Wednesday, November 23, 2011

What's your pleasure?


Sweet Potato





Me, I'm sweet potato and dressing ALL the way!
I also like sweet tea, water with lemon, and grits.  I want gravy on my biscuits and baby...I love butter.  The real stuff that is, no fake butter for me! I have the southern flare (on my hips) to prove it!

I hope you all enjoy your delicious meals but also take time to be thankful for all of our many blessings!

Count your many blessings
Name them one by one
Count your many blessings
See what God hath done!
(from one of my favorite songs)

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL!

Much love,

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Sometimes is just seems that when I pray, my prayers are bouncing off of a brick wall.  I feel like I beg God for something and beg some more and when I feel like I can not beg anymore, I find it in me to beg a little more.  Then, that prayer does not seem to be heard.  This is where I have been the last two days. 

As I sit here and talk to God, I ask him, "Why haven't you heard my prayers?"  Why are you not answering me, God? It is like when we prayed for Eli to be healed.  I begged God for healing.  I pleaded with him...

He answered me then with the sure knowledge that my prayers were not part of  His plan.  I did not want to hear it though.  That meant I would have to give up my son.  How could God ask that of me?  How could I do that?  But that was taken out of my hands and now...well you know the now...

Tonight, as I talk to God this verse keeps coming to mind.
1 Kings 19:11-13
11And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake:
12And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
13And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?

Actually not this entire passage until I went and looked it up.  Just the small still voice part.  The small still voice is whispering to me that He has a plan and now is just not the time for my request.  That is not what I want to hear.  I guess my humanness and impatience is showing here.  I want God to say is the time and your prayers are being answered just as you asked for them.  I know that is selfish...I know it is.  But God, I do not have the privilege of seeing the BIG picture and I do not know Your plans.  Only You have that knowledge.  In this instance, it hurts to have to sit back and wait.  I do not even bear the brunt of the hurt here...others do and I just hurt for them.  Hurt badly for them. 
I need peace...peace that only can come from God...
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid
I'm not the only one that needs this peace.  Please pray that God would just shower this down! 

Much love,

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Chasing Time

Or perhaps time is chasing me.  After Eli died, so many who have walked this road told me the only thing that would take away the sting of death of a child was time.  Time dulls the pain.  Time...

When I was fourteen, my sixteen year old brother drowned.  Our church youth group had gone canoeing.  My brother, two other friends, and I all got ahead of the adults and stopped to wait on them to catch up.  While waiting we played in the water.  It was deep and my brother got in trouble and was not able to swim to safety.  Despite the best efforts of a passerby to save him, he died.  He drowned right there in front of my very eyes.  It all happened so quickly.  It has been twenty-three years since that day and some parts of that day are so vivid in my mind that I feel like I could reach out and touch them.  After the immediate panic of what was happening, I turned to grab a life jacket and throw it to him.  I turned back just in time to see him slip under the water for the last time.  I stood there in utter shock holding that stupid life jacket that I never got to throw.  Why didn't I think to grab it earlier?  That thought has haunted me for twenty-three years.  It does not haunt me as bad today as it did then.  That moment...that moment is as clear as if it just occurred.  I remember so distinctly what happened when I got home and fell into my daddy's arms, apologizing profusely.  My daddy got my attention and looked me in the eye.  He told me to stop right then and not to ever say that again.  He told me that there was nothing I could have done.  I didn't feel that way for a very long time. 
Time has certainly dulled the pain of that day.  It has not erased my memory of it, just dulled it. 

While time has dulled the pain of that day, it has also tarnished my memories of Ray Wilkes.  I hate that about time.  I had fourteen years of memories and the ones I remember the most are of that awful day twenty-three years ago. 

The only memories I have of my baby boy are of while he was in my belly, the few minutes I had before he slipped from this earth, and the time we spent with his sweet little body after.  Not much time at all...Not near enough time at all.  I never heard his cry or saw his eyes.  I never got to have a conversation with him.  And time seems to be robbing me of what memories I do have.  I can not feel him in my arms anymore.  Unless I take out his blanket and smell it, I have a hard time remembering his scent.  Those things elude me for some reason.  They are just under the surface, I think.  At least I feel like they are, but I can not reach them.  I have dreamt of him a couple of times but as soon as I wake up, those dreams are gone.  Like my memories, they are just beyond my reach.  It frustrates me.  Just as surely as snow melts on a sunny day, memories fade.  Maybe that is why time dulls pain.  Whatever the reason, I certainly wish that time would just take the pain and leave the memories.  I mean the vivid ones...the ones that you can smell and touch.  I try...I try so very hard to hold on to those things.

Chasing time is much like chasing the wind...

Much love,