Monday, May 23, 2011

Cloak and Dagger

So it happened.  I knew it would at some point but I was not prepared for it.  My heart was not ready to read what my eyes were seeing.  A comment was left on my blog that was a dagger to my soul. I erased it from my blog but have been unable to erase it from my mind.  Jamie's advise was to forget about it and not even dignify it with a response. He thinks...well we think that it was just someone trying to stir up trouble.  It still hurt.  I honestly was not sure how to take the comment.  It went something like this...

Congratulations on your new baby girl.  I hope she does not feel like a replacement for Eli. 

So does that mean that anonymous hopes she does not feel like a replacement to Jamie and I...
If that is the case, then I can put anonymous' worries at ease.  There will NEVER, EVER be a replacement for Eli.  He is our fourth child.  Amelia is our fifth.  Each of my five children have their own place in our family and in my heart.  They are all irreplaceable. Unless you have been where we are, you can not possibly understand that. They are children not a material thing that can be replaced.

But my mind also goes here...
What if anonymous meant that he/she hoped Amelia did not grow up feeling like we had her to replace her brother.  Jamie or I either one would never make her feel that way...but what if she did anyway? It is my sincerest and deepest hope that she would never feel that way.  She is NOT. Amelia is a gift...a blessing...a very special baby girl that brings us sunshine after a storm, but my other children are just as much a gift and blessing.  They also have brought us much sunshine even in the midst of our storm. 

The cloak of anonymity is such a wonderful thing isn't it? I mean...I'll never know where this comment came from...if this person regularly reads my musings or was a one time visitor.  It is almost like being unable to face you accuser.  I'd love to face him or her.  So, I guess this cloak is wonderful to the other guy but daunting to me.  I want my blog to be a place that people can come and see that God's grace and mercy see that we are getting through this day by see that although we will never get over losing Eli, we are walking with God to move see that not everyday is as easy as the last but not as dark as the see that storms have see that the sun will shine again.  I could go on and on.  I want people to be able to comment as they wish, so I will not limit access to my blog.  I do however wish that if someone wants to leave me a comment that pierces like a dagger they lose the cloak of anonymity and be straight forward with me.  Let me know who you are and why you have these concerns.  I'll answer them.  I'll be straight forward with you. 

No more cloak and dagger please!!!
Much love,


  1. I'm sorry that you got a bad comment. I know that I have had a few too and it hurts. You did very well in writing this post.

  2. I dislike anon comments. The frequent readers who truly know your heart know that Amelia will NEVER replace Eli. {HUGS}

  3. that kind of stuff breaks my heart and soul. and whoever the anonymous he or she may be... may they find their own peace and understanding, because obviously they have problems of their own... to leave such a hurtful comment, and to have done so anonymously i am not surprised. there is so much hurt and cut-throat in the world today. those kind of comments are so odd, and it would be like going into someone's home, opening their journal and searching for information until something was found that could be turned into negativity... and i am so against that. yay for you for deleting that comment and keeping your blog a positive space! anyone who knows you and/or your family know that all of your children are special to you and each have their own place in your heart.

  4. Very well said, Jennifer. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that hurt.
    It may help to know that my friend Tiffany, whom you've met - I sort produce with her, was a rainbow baby. She never felt like a replacement baby - she did, however, feel very loved and treasured. I'm sure it will be the same for Amelia.
    Eli is a very special little guy that holds such a dear place in our hearts I think of him so often. I know the girls do too.
    We also love Jay, Cooper, Lucie Rose, Amelia, and their wonderful parents :) so much and talk of you all quite often here at home.
    God is so gracious to give blessings, not as a replacement but as a sweet way of encouraging healing and giving us joy. I know He cries with us as we have to deal with heartaches this side of heaven in this fallen world. I know that our Abba Father - our Daddy - also loves to see His children blessed. This world is not heaven and we have to deal with some really sad things, but how graciously He provides us sweet kisses and blessings along the way.
    Your life is a testimony to this. Just keep walking with Him and know that God's using it to encourage those around you.
    Love you!

  5. Hey Jennifer.
    Don't know if my comment came out quite the way I meant it. (2 am may not be my best thinking time)
    Anyway, please know that what I was trying to say was that it is obvious to everyone who knows you that you love all five of your children and that they are all special to you you're a great Mama to them all. There's no question about that. Your children all know that they're treasured.
    You're a blessing to all 5 of your children, to Jamie, and to those around you.
    Love you!

  6. I wish I could say that comment surprises me but it doesn't, I just do not understand people intentionally trying to leave insensitive comments and stir up more hurt.....I really hope "Anonymous" never has to experience losing a child

  7. How could you ever replace a child? Each and every child is so very different, and I know that Eli was very different from Amelia (even in his movements in utero I'm sure). :) I have had people say things to me like, "You can always have another one." I don't think people do get it unless they have been there..I get so angry when people refer to the baby I am carrying as my third child..How can you just forget about my real third child? She was very real just like Eli was very real to you..I think that people just need to be brief and say "congratulations." There is no replacement, and you will not treat Amelia that way because she is your fifth child and a very wonderful blessing from God..

  8. YIKES! So sorry that this anonymous commenter pierced your healing heart.

    It goes without saying (at least I would think!) that Amelia could never replace Eli, just as Eli could never take the place of any of your other children.
    Your love for EACH of your children models our Lords love for us. Our Heavenly Father knows each of us SO intimately that even the very number of hairs of our heads are known to Him...

    "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7

    Blessings to you sweet Momma! Big HUGS

  9. "Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

    You know that I know.
    Love you dearly,

  10. I am so sorry that someone left that hurtful comment. Don't you worry about them! We all know that you could never ever replace Eli and that you would never try to. And Amelia will know that too. Children are not replaceble...PERIOD.

    Love and lots of hugs!

  11. Oh friend...I'm so sorry.

    I got to the point, where much as I didn't want to, I HAD to disable comments from anon.

    (Like when anon told me that I obviously want more attention and that's why I boo-hoo so much about missing Matthew and being depressed. Really?!!)

    Those who read can see glimpses of your beautiful heart. Those honored to call you mother will KNOW your beautiful heart...and when we are reunited with ALL of our sweet family members, they too will.

    Sending you love!

  12. I've said it 100 times.....people are unintentionally cruel. Does that apply to this? Maybe - maybe not. I don't know. But, this comment will stick with you forever! People got me, and I have watched my friends get doesn't make it any easier, but you are not alone!

  13. My eyes popped open when I saw what that coward wrote. Too many ppl think they can say whatever they want behind thier computer screen like the person reading it doesn't have feelings. I have seen this too many times. Maybe they were saying I hope Amelia doesn't feel like a replacement child, but I feel if that is how they meant it they would have explained further. "outsiders" often think we are trying to replace our child that died or hoping if we have another our baby will be forgotten. It's something I find hard explaining to others who haven't lost a child, even though I don't have a rainbow. Nice how they congratulated you and shot a knife through your heart all at once huh? Ugh this is why I tend to put walls up but also try not to let other's bother me! I am so sorry for their insensitivity and cowardness to keep their idenity a secret and I hope ~Anonymous~
    is reading these comments!!!

  14. I'm so sorry to hear that someone dare say that to you. I'm not sure if that "someone" has ever lost a baby, but if they haven't they could never understand why mothers have another child. It is NEVER a replacement!

    Just know sweety, that even if "anonymous" does know the aching feeling of loosing a child {Which I hope for their sake, they don't} they are only living life bitter and angry because they don't have the same faith that you have. God knows that you would never forget sweet Eli. He knows that that sweet boy will always live on with every beat of your heart. And GOD has blessed you with another. By His choice, and His divine purpose.

    One day this person, who dare say something so hurtful, will have to account for all of the "mistakes" they have made in life.

    Just love that precious baby girl. In the same, yet completely different way that you LOVE Eli. :')

    CONGRATULATIONS! If anything, I hope this baby girl brings healing to a heart with a wound that will never completely heal.

  15. PUH-LEASE! Anonymous can just shove it b/c they don't know what they're talking about. She won't grow up feeling like a replacement. EVER.