Monday, June 21, 2010

Four Months in the arms of Jesus

I remember the exact moment Jamie put Eli in my arms four months ago today.The moment will forever remain a memory. The time on the clock was somewhere between 6:40 and 6:45 the evening of February 21st. Eli came into this world at 4:47 and went straight to the NICU. I can see it like it was moments ago, Jamie walking into that room holding my sweet little fella. I can feel it like it was moments ago, Jamie putting him into my arms. I absolutely have no recollection of what I said to him, in fact, I had to ask Jamie what I said to him.  At one point I was afraid that I did not tell him how very much I love him. I knew I had but just did not have a visual memory of it. Jamie was there right beside me and he assured me I did. I am not sure why my mind blocked this out. It is crazy, I remember so many things but not that. I do remember when Jamie walked in the room with him and the way he grunted. He grunted several times, never any cries, just grunts and wiggles. I should say never any cries around me. Jamie said he did whimper a little when he was first born. But those grunts...they are precious. The grunts with a few wiggles was all he had left to give. Some days remembering those grunts and wiggles is what gets me by...remembering just how my arms felt with him in them. After a few grunts and very few wiggles he got so still. I knew then...I knew he had met the angels and was on his way to meet Jesus. I had him cradled in my left arm with Jamie sitting right beside his little head. He just went...there was no struggle, no fighting for a breath...just peace...calm...quiet...stillness...
About five or ten minutes later his  nurse came in and I put him up on my shoulder.  She raised his gown and place the stethoscope on his back and listened. She then shook her head at me and whispered "He's gone."  He was gone, but I knew that already. In fact, when she came in and told me that she needed to check him I told her there was not much going on.
The grief is not as intense today as it was four months ago, but the longing to hold him is greater. The memories are not a sharp as they were and that worries me, but  I guess that goes along with healing. I can't smell him anymore, that sweet sent of a baby. I have his bonnet that still smells of him, so I take it out and smell of it from time to time. I have the blanket that he was wrapped in and it still bears his blood stains. I have our pictures that I look at daily. I am scared of forgetting. It frightens me.
He's gone...

Much love,  


  1. Happy 4th month to little Eli, our little ones are celebrating together in heaven! I have a feeling that memories will be stronger at times than others. I think it's great that you had the grunts and wiggles and remember them!

    When we came home from the hospital I broke down the next day telling Greg that I do not think I ever kissed Olivia. I still, to this day, only giving her one kiss but Greg told me that I gave her a lot of kisses. I do not know why those memories are hidden from us, especially when we just want to remember so much!

  2. Happy 4 Months sweet Eli. Thinking of you and praying for you Jennifer xxx

  3. Praying for you! My daughter , Ella, passed away 6 weeks ago today. I too struggle to remember those first few minutes I met her. I had a cesection and they were still working on me when they first handed her to me. I remmber holding her, but have felt so guilty that I didn't love on her enough those first few minutes-I just can't remember it all. My husband told me the other day that I was the first to kiss her, and I started bawling in the parking lot of Lowes. I didn't even remember it-but he assures me I was the first. I know I kissed her all day long after it, but that really bothered me. I think it must be so overwhelming for mothers that you can't even absorb it all at once or something. ((hugs))

  4. Bless your heart....I know what you mean--the raw pain is not as intense, but the longing and aching are so, so heavy.

    Thinking of you and your sweet little Eli.

  5. I still remember that precious night. Never will I forget. I was putting my winter clothes away the other night and I picked up the sweater I had on that night and just held it to me and it brought back so many memories! It took me a while before I would wash it, I didn't want to! Eli will always hold a very special place in my heart! I love him and miss him so. Love you all so very much!!

  6. Eli - you are so missed and loved by so many people!

  7. Thinking of you and your Eli. Your bravey and faith really pulls at my heart. I believe a mother can never forget.

  8. Some memories will fade but we'll never truly forget. The pain is def not intense but I don't think that longing for them ever really goes away. I still long for my girl as much as I did a year ago.