Friday, August 13, 2010

Not so random at the moment...

Whew, it has been one of those days. Nine minutes until a new one. I know mama said there'd be days like this but really....
I don't know, just when it seems that things might settle...
Well, it actually started kinda sweet. To explain, I must digress just a little.
How many of you wake up with a song in your head every morning? Me neither, but Jamie does. He finally started sharing with me maybe a year or so ago about this phenomenon. It is one of my favorite parts of the day now. I get up, get the kids breakfast and then check my email to see what the SOTM is. He originally started emailing them to me at work last year and I would check it on my break. He gets to work, gets settled and searches for his song on YouTube, then emails it to me. His songs are completely random. I think the most hilarious one was a Taylor Dane song, followed by a cheesy Michael Jackson one (He is not a fan of MJ.) One morning it was a children's bible song and another morning it was Free by Zac Brown Band. That one was funny because he said he woke up singing, "No, we don't have a lot of money. No, we don't have a lot of money." That one is pretty typical of my very typical CPA hubbie. Any way the song of the morning this morning was You Deliver Me by Selah. Why is that so sweet? Well a while back we discovered that Eli's name is embedded in the word believe. Then yesterday Jamie was thinking about that and also realized that his name is embedded in deliver. Then add the song of the morning into the equation. Well, I've said before...I believe God gives us signs. This was nothing short of a sign.
So, I started out my day with that story, which was really sweet. Then, I don't know, maybe I am just overly tired from lack of sleep. It just seems I have been weepy the last couple of days.
My sweet little LR slapped the icing on the cake for me tonight. Jamie was pulling the quarter round up in the dining room and had it laying in the middle of the floor. He had already asked me to make sure she did not come near it, because it had nails sticking out of it. Well as a three year old can be sneaky from time to time, especially when you tell them to not do something. I turned my back and when I looked up she was in the room and headed for the nails. I scolded her and got her out. Then, I told her that those nails would hurt her and if she got one stuck in her she might have to go to the hospital. Without missing a beat, she headed straight back to the quarter round, grinning from ear to ear, and said, "cause I can go to the hospital and get Eli." That broke me. I cry as I type this. She really, really does think that we left him at the hospital. Her three year old mind just can not reason out why we won't go and get him. I can't help but feel utterly broken in two, knowing that is where her mind takes her. Knowing that she thinks we left him and won't go get him. I really can't figure it. She will tell you he is in heaven. So, I wonder if she thinks heaven and the hospital are the same place. The reasonable part of me tells me that she is only three and she will learn as she grows. The other parts of me scream that I can not stand for her to think we would actually walk away from him and leave him. Does she think we are going to leave her one day? Probably not..hopefully not...dear Lord, I pray she does not think that.
Lamentations 3:31-33
31For the LORD will not cast off for ever:
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

For a little lightheartedness: If you wake up with a song of the morning, what was your most recent song? Was it something you heard recently or just a random song?
Much Love,


  1. Jennifer, I can totally relate to this. Molly (Shanna's daughter) knows all about Logan and talks about him a lot to me. She still sometimes gets confused about hospital vs. heaven. She never actually got to see Logan in real life and sometimes when we look at pictures she asks me when I'm going back to heaven. She definitely thinks the pictures are of Logan in heaven. I usually explain it to her again that Logan was born and was in the hospital, where we took the pictures, but then he died and went to heaven and now we can't take pictures or hold him. I'm sure it is so much harder when it is your daughter, but I'm sure LR knows you would never leave her.

  2. That broke my heart. She will understand when she is older, but that must be hard for your family. ((Hugs))

    As for waking up with a song in my head, I do that a lot. Ususally it is a song I heard the day before. This morning it is "Let me love you" by third day. I was listenening to that on my way home from work last night. But most of this week I have woken up with "Precious Child" I have had a really hard time sleeping this week and have been thinking of Ella all night-so I am sure that is why.

  3. Bless little LR's heart. WE don't even understand and comprehend...I know that little ones just have such different perspective and life experience so I always pray for their tender little hearts.

    I ALWAYS wake up with a song. Sometimes, it's 3 am and I wake straight up and it's going through my head. Usually the chorus or the refrain, and multiple times throughout the day.

    Josh Wilson's Joy in the Morning was going through as I read about Eli being embedded in believe...the line, "Would you dare, would you dare to believe...that you still have reason to sing..." and it started BEFORE I read those words!

    Lately Casting Crowns' "If we ever needed you" has been on auto play, as well as SCC's Beauty Will Rise. I really think these words and melodies are God's ministry to me...and I am really grateful.

    Thinking of you and your aching heart.

  4. Wow..I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same way...I feel like my three year old is getting it, and then she will ask when we are bringing Baby Aubree home..I never have thought that she feels like we will leave her..she is more afraid of me leaving..Praying for you..

  5. Oh sweet friend I hope you have had an easier day! To be as innocent as LR's mind - Wow. Can we as adults even think that magically? Somedays I wish we could!

  6. I had not read this before I messaged you yesterday! That brings tears to my eyes that she thinks Eli is still there. Praying for you as well!

    I do not wake up with songs in my head but next time I do I will message you!!

  7. Hi Jennifer.
    I keep thinking about your post and that sweet little LR. I know that broke your heart. (Mine too.) I kept looking for some sunshine in there and realized that it is a sweet blessing that she's thinking of Eli and he's such a precious part of her life, even though He's in Jesus' arms. Just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts and prayers.
    By the way, that's pretty neat about Jamie and the song. The things I learn from your blog. ;) It's a true blessing to see you two together and to see how God's drawing you even closer. (One of the purposes of marriage is to reflect the relationship of Christ and His church, and you two reflect beautifully.) :)
    Love you all.

  8. My heart is breaking. How hard for Mommy to hear. So sorry Jennifer.

    I can't remember waking up with a song in my head...but I wish I would.

  9. I love that Eli's name is embedded in the words believe and deliver. I definitely bELIeve in signs and this is one of them.

    Its definitely heartbreaking watching our little ones through this. Many hugs to you.