This year...Wow, it is just hours from being over. Where, oh where does time go. Sometimes I think we spend half of our lives wishing it away. Waiting for tomorrow...hoping it brings better things. Longing for this day or that day to be over. Waiting for the weekend or vacation or holidays. So much so that we sometimes miss time as it swoops in and flies right on by.
Well, I for one wish that this time machine we are traveling in at warp speed had a brake on it so that it would just slow down. I do not know that I am ready for 2011 and all that it will hold. It shatters my soul to think that I have not held my son in over ten months. It really does encourage me to think that as each day passes, I am one day closer to holding him again.
It is mind boggling to think that in five days I will be 37 years old...in less than two months we will celebrate Eli's one year in Heaven...in a little over three months I will be holding a new baby...different baby...in six months my hubbie and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage and 15 years of knowing and loving (it was pretty much love at first sight!)...in just over eight months my oldest baby will be 10 years old.
As utterly crazy as it might sound, 2010 brought with it many, many blessings to couple with the heartaches. I got to be a part of and hold a miracle. I will always look on Eli's birthday and home going with a particular fondness that is beyond comprehension. I have been given a new and completely different outlook on life and others. I got to know the generosity and kind spirit of people and made many new friends. My second child made a personal decision to accept Christ into his heart. I learned a great many lessons this past year that I will carry with me in my life to come.
But most and greatest of all I leaned more about mercy, grace, and love from a very patient God in this last year than in all of my 36 others combined. I developed a comfortable enough relationship with God that I was able to go to him in my darkest of hours and brightest of hours. I might not have been able to verbalize to him every time, but He knew my silence for what it was...a shattered heart. I rejoice in the Lord and praise him for giving and taking away and folks...I have no idea how that is possible except through Him.
2011, who knows what it will hold...We just have to trust that God will give us our just portions...whatever that may be. I pray with all of my heart that He will allow me to deliver my fifth child health and keep my others healthy as well. He hears our prayers you know? I do not make resolutions for the new year. I think that is kind of pointless, truth be told. I do reflect on the previous year and try to change things that are within my control, things that I know I can do better. I know I will be carrying a heaviness into 2011 with me that I think I will never be rid of. You know what though, I think we all will to a certain degree. We all have our crosses to bear in a sense.
Let me just be candid with you for a moment. I do have one wish for 2011 that I wish for beyond any other. I wish with all of my heart and soul for anyone who reads this blog that does not have a personal relationship with God to come to know Him. When I get to Heaven, whether it be before the Lord comes to take us home or when He comes, I want to one day see ALL of your faces and embrace each and everyone of you as brothers and sisters in Christ. Salvation or acceptance of God is a gift He offers us. It does not cost anything. If our lives meant so much to God that He could allow His Son to suffer and die on a cross for us, then how could we deny Him our life and love? It is as simple as earnestly saying to God, "Lord, I want to be saved by Your grace and mercy and be a new person in you. I want you to live in my heart and make me more like you. I open my heart and life for you to do as you please." That's it. That's all it requires. There is nothing else we can do to get to Heaven. We just have to accept Him and when we do, He will do the rest.
I can promise you this...If God had not been available to me this last year, I would be in despair. I am not in despair. I have hope...My family has hope. We do not grieve as those without hope. My hope is in Jesus Christ. Where is yours?
Make 2011 the best year yet and allow God to have His way in all that we do. Pray without ceasing and please know that I love each and every one of you and wish you the best.
Happy New Year!