Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Trichotomy of Time

Where have two years gone? As I look back into the past, I remember that two years ago tonight, I was spending my last night with my baby boy tucked safely away in my belly. I had a picture in my mind then of how his birth and brief life would be.  I had a picture of how our time would be spent loving on him.  For twelve weeks we tried our best to figure out how we would meet Eli and hand him back into the Lords arms. That is something no parent should ever have to contemplate, but it was what we were left doing. We spent the better part of twelve weeks with a starving hunger to get to know Eli. I had a picture in my mind of what he looked like, what color his eyes were, what his tiny little cry would sound like. I would day dream about how beautiful and perfect he was going to be. We had no idea what to expect but I had my pictures...my dreams.

Today, I wonder what it would be like to have a two year old in the mix.  I have a picture in my mind of what he would look like as a toddler...dark curly hair, dimpled face, his daddy's eyes...I have a picture in my mind of what he would be getting in to. A picture of him walking or running around...a picture of him throwing his arms around his mama or daddy in a bear hug...a picture of him playing with his brothers and sisters...a picture of him terrorizing his brothers and sisters...a picture of him sitting around the table with his family for dinner...a picture of his adorable first words...a picture is worth a thousand words. A picture in my mind...

I have a picture in my mind of a dark curly haired, dimpled face little boy running around on streets of gold...sitting at the feet of Jesus...I often wonder what he is doing. I can not even fathom how amazing Heaven is and just how perfect his life is now. My mind can only conjure pictures of earthy beauty and I know that can not even compare to the beauty my baby boy beholds daily.  I'm pretty sure he is not going to be having a party in Heaven tomorrow to celebrate his second birthday because time is not measured by days, weeks, months, or years there.  Perhaps every moment is a celebration in heaven. I just do not know...but I do have a picture in my mind.  It gives me comfort and peace to dream.

I have a picture in my mind of a day when I will meet my Lord and Savior...of a day that I fall at His feet and praise Him in person.  I have a picture in my mind of the day that I will get to hold Eli again...of the day that I kiss his sweet face again. Maybe he will show me the streets of gold that day. Maybe he will take my hand and say, "Come on Mama.  Let's go meet Jesus."  Until that day, I'll hold on to the pictures in my mind.

I am so thankful that I serve a God who will one day redeem my past, holds my present, and promises my future.

Happy Second Birthday, my sweet Eli.  Mama misses you more than words.  I love you baby boy!

Much love,  

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Xs and Os

Ooh la la, it is the month of love!  The month that we think of hearts...hugs...kisses...and all things sweet.

How often have you found yourself just needing a hug?

I can remember times in my life when I craved a hug.  My parents were not particularly "huggy" people, either of them.  Don't get me wrong, I knew they loved us.  They just didn't show it by way of hugs and such.  I can vividly remember the feeling, when I was young and growing up, that I just needed someone to hug me.  I needed to feel the cocoon of arms around me and the safety that that cocoon offered.  I hope my kiddos never know a shortage of good old fashioned hugs...the warmth of being encompassed about with loving arms.
Children need to know physical love.  They need to be hugged and patted on the back.  They need to be held and rocked.  What better way is there to soothe a hurt than to pick your child up in your lap and rock them or just hold them.  Even Jay who is ten still gets held sometimes.  His legs will get crampy from time to time as was the case just the other night.  Bless his heart, he got up out of bed in tears because his legs hurt so bad.  We had given him Motrin already but it just was not working.  So what else could a mama do but pick her baby up and hold him.  Sure enough, he crawled up in my lap, I put my arms around him and just held him.  He needed that.  He felt better in a few minutes and went on back to bed. 

I truly love for Jamie to sneak up behind me and wrap his arms around my shoulders.  It just feels good to be hugged. I love to lay my head back on his chest, close my eyes, and relish in the love that one little act spreads.  Those hugs are especially sweet on tough days, when I'm just not feeling the love. 

I think back specifically to the time that Eli was born as I lay in a cold, lonely hospital bed.... I felt so bereft...I needed a cocoon...I needed physical contact for my raw emotional state. I needed the warmth of a hug...his hug.  I will  never forget Jamie asking would it be alright if he lay with me on that tiny little bed. Never had I heard a better question in all my life.  I remember as he lay down and put his arms around me, I snuggled in and was able to relax some. 
There have been times during the night that the only place I could get a good cry out was in Jamie's arms.  His arms always offer a safe place to let go of all of those tears and raw emotions.  

I do not know about you but when I see someone crying or upset, be it child or adult, I just want to give them a hug. Why? Well because a hug offers comfort.  Why do we hug people when a loved one dies?  Comfort.  What do we do when a baby is crying and we pick them up?  We swaddle them in our arms.  Offer comfort.
Hugs are good people...

Best of ALL

Much love,