Saturday, March 20, 2010

I won't break, I promise!

I have to say that for the most part, through this journey, people have been amazing and supportive...just wonderful in general.  We have tried so hard to glorify God through everything we do.  I will be honest, I have not gone out in public very much because I just am not emotionally stable enough to handle it.  It is hard to have a conversation with anyone with out crying.  I think about Eli ALL of the time.  He just consumes my thoughts right now, and I do not know how long that will be the case...maybe forever...who knows.  I do have some normal moments. I even laugh from time to time. That is not to say that I don't feel a certain level of guilt about laughing when I do.  I do not want to feel guilty, I just do.
When I have had the chance to go out and talk to people, they have been so kind.  I realize it is hard for people to know what to say to us right now.  I want people to know that if I talk to you and I cry, it is not because of anything that you did, did not do, or said.  It is just where I am right now.  Although, I strongly feel Gods presence in my life right now, I am still sad and grieving.  I still hurt, all the time, not just when people ask me how I am.  I just wanted to share with anyone who might be feeling uncomfortable around us some things you might want to say or not to say. Before I do that I wanted to share a poem I ran across that addresses this very topic.

The Elephant in the Room
 by Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "I'm fine," and a thousand other
forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it's there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very large elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we don't talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please say Eli's name.
Oh, please say his name again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about Eli's death, perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say his name to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me....
in a room....
with an elephant.

Please do not avoid us right now.  I know that it is easier just to turn around and walk the other way...but we see you when you do that.  And that hurts as bad as saying the wrong thing. 

  • Instead, hug me or shake my hand.  Even if you do not say anything, I know you care.
  • Tell me you are praying for me.  This means more than anything. 
  • Tell me you are sure I loved Eli well.
  • Tell me you have been thinking about us.
  • Talk about Eli.  I love to share him!
  • Share a bible verse you came across.
  • Share an uplifting thought or quote.
  • Share a poem
  • Share the name of a book, blog, or such that might help.
  • Call to check on us.  We might need to talk at that very moment.
  • Send us a message on facebook.  We read and appreciate everyone.

Please do not ask us if we are relieved that it is "over".
Please do not suggested that another child might take Eli's place. A hundred more children would never take Eli's place.
Please do not suggest that we can move on with life as usual now that our horrible situation is "over".
Please do not tell us that we will get over it in time. 
Please do not tell us to let the pain go, it is not that simple.

I have not suggested these things to be hurtful.  I have suggested them with the hopes of helping people know what would be a blessing to us at this time.  I need you my friends. I won't break, I promise!

Much love,

1 comment:

  1. You all are always in our thoughts and prayers. Eli is also with us. I wake up each morning and pray for God to give Eli a kiss and hug and tell him Oma loves him. Eli is a part of our family and will always be our grandson and our 8th grandchild. I'm looking forward to the time we see him once again, but oh what a joy it was to have him with us for the time he was here.
    We love you all.
    Mom and Dad H