Through the Storm

God keeps bringing me back to this verse:
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

We had a guest preacher at church last Sunday and this was one of his reference verses for his message and this verse keeps going through my head.  I know that God has given me peace about Eli. Not the peace of the world, but His peace. I know Eli is with Him and his little body is healed.  I know he knows no pain. I just miss him terribly!  I am not troubled and guess what, I am not afraid.  I looked back at a blog I posted the Friday before Eli was born.  In this blog was an entire list of fears I had and looking back...well, all of those fears came to be just two short days after that post.

I get so anxious when Eli does not move for a while. There is a 30 - 40 percent chance that Eli will have a cord incedent due to the absence of fluid and also just cherish his activity so very much.

• Eli had a cord incedent.  As you read in my last blog, God protected him from that cord. He didn't move much at all that day, but he did move enough for me to know he was alive. 

I get scared and sometimes downright panicky when I think about how fast time is going by. It has been 12 weeks since we found out about Eli and it seems like yesterday. I only have about six weeks left to carry him.

• Who knew that less than two days after I wrote this that I would give birth to Eli?  Only God! He took the panic and fear of six more weeks from me.  I have had a certain amount of anxiety since, but it is different and I know God will provide there as well. 

I am so scared of how my children will react to Eli's birthday.

• My children were beside themselves with excitement the day Eli was born.  I am told stories of them standing at the nursery window watching the medical staff work on him and wanting to see him up close and hold him.  The moment they got to see him, he had already gone home to Jesus, but they still could not get enough of him.  Jay, my tender heart, had quite a few moments where he just cried and it broke my heart. Cooper just wanted to be near him and Lucie Rose just wanted to kiss him.  She still kisses my belly and that just stops me cold.  She is too young to understand.  God is working with them just like me.  He gives them the comfort their young minds need!  

I am scared of having a c-section. Eli is transverse breech with his feet presenting first and is not expected to move due to the absence of amniotic fluid.

• Well probably one of by biggest fears here... I was so afraid that if I had a c-section I would not get to spend any time with Eli.  I was afraid that he would go home before I could hold him.  I had an emergency c-section and even had to be put to sleep.  My sweet baby waited on me... He went home from my arms.  I know that God provided me this.  Eli's doctor and nurses worked with him diligently to keep him here.  I have such gratitude for everything, everyone of them did in that nursery. 

I am scared of not being able to be a mommy to Eli. Eli's kidneys have no function and I never really realized how important fluid is for babies en utero. Eli is my fourth child and I have learned so much this time due to Eli's condition. Not only does the fluid act as a cushion for babies and make room for them. It also is ingested by babies to facilitate lung development. The fluid passes through the baby's body and the kidneys act as a sponge. The fluid is then passed back into the sack to make room for growth and development. It is a continuous cycle unless the baby's kidneys do not work. Which is the case with Eli.

• This was another really big deal for me.  I still struggle with this one, but God has shown me that no matter whether Eli is here in my arms or in Heaven with him, I will always, always, always be his mommy.  He will always be my little boy and I will hold him again.  My heart breaks and my arms ache, but I am blessed beyond measure to have given birth to such a miracle. Despite his condition, he was a beautiful little fighter.  

I am scared of possibly having only a short time to say everything it should take a lifetime to say to Eli. Really a lifetime is not long enough sometimes is it?

• I only had a few short minutes with him but, I believe he knows what I want to tell him. I talk to him.  Even if he does not hear me, I know God tells him.  I so look forward to an eternity to talk to him face to face.  A lifetime is not long enough, but eternity surely is!

I am scared of empty arms...

• My arms ache from the emptiness of not having Eli to hold.  This is something that I will always feel.  It is not a fear anymore,  it is just reality.

I faced the reality of all these fears swaddled in the arms of God.  I continue to face reality swaddled in His arms and love.  Without Him in my life, I would not make it day to day.  I would surely give up, because this is too difficult to face alone.  Not only does God carry me daily, He has provided a tremendous amount of support through family, friends, and even complete strangers.  I have such gratitude and give such thanks!

Last night was the first storm we have had since the night Eli was born.  While my children were afraid and Jamie and I had to comfort and calm them, I was comforted and thought of Eli the entire time.  So did Jamie.  He commented that we would never see a storm the same again, and he is right.

 Because of the storm last night and the fear Lucie Rose and Cooper had, I am reminded of my fear as a child and how God has turned that fear into comfort.  This reminds me of when Jesus walked on water in the bible.  If you read in Matthew 14:22-33, it tells of Jesus' disciples being on a ship during a storm.  Jesus had gone up to the mountain to pray.  There was such a storm out on the sea and Jesus went to his disciples walking on that stormy sea.  The disciples were afraid until Jesus spoke and told them not to be afraid. At this point Peter spoke and said if it really is you Lord make me walk on water, and as long as Peter had faith he did.  When his fear over came his faith, he began to sink.  Even when he had little faith, God stretched forth his hand and caught Peter.  He took him back to the ship and calmed the wind.

Even when my fear over comes my faith, Jesus extends his hand to me.  He has been so good...
 
Much love,
Jennifer