Monday, April 12, 2010


I teach eleven and twelve year olds and have done this for almost eleven years now.  Through the years I have learned a great deal about children of this age group.  One thing I have observed is that there seems to be a phrase or word of the moment. I can think of a few that stand out in my mind...The "word on the moment" now seems to be random.(or maybe I am behind the times already???)  People love to use the word random.  Thoughts, actions, words...everything is random.  I looked up the definition for random and it means having no purpose, direction, method or aim.
I can think of a few things that are random.  Cravings when you are pregnant are random.  Before Eli, I never really had cravings.  With Eli I craved baby carrots, the smell of Fantastic all purpose cleaner, the smell of Gain laundry detergent, and other random things. I have noticed that even though I have not been pregnant now for seven weeks, I still have these random cravings. This is stange, I have never experienced it before. What is even more random is that the smell of these cleaners is so good to me that if I did not know any better I might try them to see how they taste.  It is that little warning that is printed on the back that says harmful if swallowed that really deters me.
Another random thing here lately... My thoughts.  They are very random.  Sometimes it is hard to focus on one specific thing.  My mind is constantly on things other than where it seems it needs to be.  I have caught myself having to have things repeated. Jamie has had to tell me that the kids were talking to me or that he was saying something.  I completely understand how it would feel to have an attention deficit. This is frusterating to me as well as others, I am sure.
My emotions are pretty random.  It is really beyond me how I can be up one minute and bawling the next.  I never know when it will hit right now.  I just have to be prepared with tissue and an exit stategy wherever I am. Sometimes there are triggers, sometimes not.  I passed an amubulance the other day on the road and it just brought his birthday flooding back. All I could think at that moment was "I was not ready, I did not want it to be over. I want him back safe and sound in my tummy, so I can feel him move. He was not supposed to be here yet." Why, why, why...why did I have to give him up?
Stop for a minute and think about that word...random. Life is filled with randomness, but one thing that is not random is the plans that God has for our lives. Our lives are planned down to the second by the master planner.  It was not a random act of cruelty that gave Eli to us and took him from us. God purposed Eli just for us. He planned for me to carry him to 32 weeks and give him back to him.  There is nothing random about it.  It was His plan all along.  I cannot say that I understand now or ever will.  I cannot say that I will ever stop trying to understand.  I am human after all.  I have no doubts that God blessed us with Eli.  I have no doubts that Eli is in Heaven with Jesus.  I have no doubts that I will see him again.  I also have no doubts that getting pregnant with a beautiful baby boy, learning that he had a condition that made him incompatible with life, carrying him for 32 weeks, giving birth to him, holding and loving him, then giving him back to Jesus was as far from random as you could possible get.  The way God works through us and in us is amazing and so completely purposed. He has a plan and has from the beginning.  Sometimes it is just a little difficult to understand how I fit into that Eli fit into that plan. 

Ephesians 3:12-21
12In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him.

13Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.
14For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
15Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
16That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
17That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
20Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen

Anyway, enough of my randomness for one night. Except on a completely random note...I would like to start a name gallery for Eli.  I did borrow this idea from another blog.  It is not original, but I loved it.  So basically what you do is look for his name in random places. Street signs, store signs,  are just a couple...or you could write his name in the sand at the beach or in the snow.  Any creative way will do.  Then you take a picture of it and email me the picture.  I will then add that picture with your name to his gallery.  My email is on the sidebar of my blog.  Please, please, please help me with this.  It is really a neat idea.  I look forward to what you guys come up with.  

Much love,


  1. I was thinking the other day about some of the kids we've taught. I bet many of them have not been loved as much in all their life as Eli was and still is.
    I found this passage in The Message and just wanted to share it:
    John 12:27-28
    Right now I am storm tossed. And what am I going to say? "Father, get me out of this?" No, this is why I came in the first place. I'll say, "Father, put your glory on display!"
    Love you,

  2. When I saw your post on my blog this morning, it made me sad. Your "bad day anniversary" is my birthday. :-)


  3. I am looking foward to the picture gallery! I will be always be looking for a glimpse of Eli.
    I know today is a day full of emotion because this is the day that Eli was going to grace us with his presence--now Eli is waiting for us to grace him with our presence. I know he is looking forward to seeing his mama and daddy and his wild brothers and sisters:) I am looking so forward to seeing him one day! So glad I have that assurance that I will see him again!

    Love you sis-