Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A muddled mess

A muddled mess...that about sums up my thoughts right now.  I hate having big decisions to make and not being at peace with either choice. I am not a wishy washy person by nature.  I normally am able to make a decision and defend it.  November 30th that all changed.  There have been so many decisions since then...I have prayed more for God's discernment these last few months than I think I have in my life. He has provided answers and peace for those answers in mighty ways.  In this situation, I can not get peace. I have prayed over and over for it. I decide one way and beat myself up for one set of reasons.  Then I change my mind and ultimately beat myself up for the flip side of those reasons. I wished that I could share this "big decision" right now and get your sound advice, but I can't. I just need someone to tell me what to do, like my parents used to.

It is not bad enough that my world stopped and life went I have to chase that life that didn't stop for me. I do not know if it is normal to feel physically worn out when you have not accomplished anything, but I do.  The "chase" is wearing me down...or maybe it is just life in general that is wearing me down.  I don't know anymore.  I have a few days where I think the fog is lifting.  Then it creeps right back in, thicker than ever. This is where I stop and think that if I could just pack my broken family up and get away it would make it all better. But then we would carry the brokeness to our get away and eventually would have to come back to reality anyway. So I have no choice but to face it, whatever it is.

I warned ya...a muddled mess.

I love this song! Make sure to turn off the playlist at the bottom of the blog.


  1. So sorry, Jennifer. Praying for you---He knows what you nedd. xxx

  2. I read your blog at every update. I am so sorry, I so wish I could take away your sorrow. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  3. "Broken" is a good way to describe what we've been through. I will begin to pray that God will give you the answers you need.


  4. It's not a muddled mess.......just normal feelings. Jen, you will get through this, your family will get through this. Time will make things easier. You will never loose that void or sense of grief, or at least I haven't yet, but I promise it will get better. I still have days where Brandon is on my mind a lot, and then I have days where he doesn't consume my thoughts. I think about him everyday. And I crave him when I do think about him. I miss him so much. I have a picture of Brax and Dent in my office standing on the beach holding hands. I often look at it and can see Brandon standing there, too. What makes it so ironic is that a friend walked in the other day and said, "Everytime I see that picture, it seems like your other baby is missing in it." We have to hold on to the fact that our babies are at perfect peace, and they will NEVER know the sorrows or trials we experience here. We can also hold on to the fact that we will see them again someday.......we are just separated for a little bit. Right now time is not your friend, and some days it is not mine either. Your mom, and Cricket and even Mrs. Sheila can verify this....I suppose it all comes down to one question.......WHY??????? We won't know the answer here, and I don't think it will even matter when we get "there". I love you lots.....and we will get together soon......


  5. All of your feelings are COMPLETELY normal. If not, I'm not normal either so at least you're not alone! "The chase" is definitely something I can relate to and I still feel that way some days. Life will get ahead of you for awhile still. I haven't found a way to make it better. It's one of those sucky things we just have to "live" through. You're missing a piece of yourself, and you always will be missing that piece, so don't beat yourself up over not feeling the way you think you should feel. It's hard to learn to live when one of your legs has been knocked out from under you. You're in my thoughts and prayers always.