Saturday, May 1, 2010

Hodge Podge

The last few days have been a mix of everything. Just a hodge podge of emotions. I will return to teaching Monday and I am really sweating it for a lot of reasons. I will have to leave my security blanket (home) and face my giants. Home has been a place of solace and rest for me these weeks since Eli died. When the moments are too tough to share, I have been able to retreat. I know that by being in a classroom full of students I will not be able to retreat. I love my job, the children I teach, and the people I work with. I have always looked forward to being able to reach children. Even after Eli's diagnosis, the classroom was a place to keep my mind busy. Now, I don't is hard to explain. I have been told that it will be good for me to get back. I guess the hardest part is that if Eli were here, I wouldn't be going back But then again, I would be doing lots of things differently. The last couple of days sleep and rest have eluded me and my tummy has been in knots. I have prayed that God would just take this fear and offer peace in its place.

These days have not been all bad.  Yesterday, I got in some much needed girl time with some of my friends. It was a good time of working, resting and talking. These are all friends that I have made because of Eli, but I feel like I have known them forever. One of these friends I have spent the better part of these last couple of months with. Christi is walking this journey as well.  Her sweet baby boy died just three days before Eli and we have been able to share so much. I know that God's hand was in bringing us to the same place in order to walk this journey together. Today Lucie Rose and I went for some "us" time and did a little shopping before having lunch with my wonderful husband. Every moment has not been consumed with stress and worry.

As much as this season in our lives is wearing on Jamie and me, I also fear it is wearing on my children as well. Jay is my oldest and bless his heart, he wears his feelings so transparently on his sleeve. He has been acting, lets just say, not himself the last week or two. He has been in trouble at school twice in the last week. I guess that is another reason going back to work seems so hard, because I want to be there for these moments when I am needed. Then my sweet Lucie Rose, she just took my breath today. She talks about Eli a lot for a two and half year old. She loves to look at his pictures and associates songs she hears with him as well.  We were riding in the car today and passed an office building that she was convinced was the hospital.  When she saw the building she began talking about Eli and how he was all better now. She then said that she wanted me to go to that hospital and get Eli so he could come home.  What do you say to a two year old when they say that?  All I could get out at the moment was I sure wished that I could.  We have told her that Eli is in heaven with Jesus now.  She will tell us that he is in heaven, so for her to say that just knocked the wind out of me.  I do not want her thinking that we just left him at the hospital. So all we can do is just reenforce that he is in heaven with Jesus.  I also can pray that God would give her two year old mind peace and understanding. Cooper, well he is a closed book.  I rarely know what he is feeling or thinking. I have told him over and over that if he wants to talk, I am here to listen.
Please pray with me tonight.
Much love,


  1. Oh Jennifer... i am so sorry for you. That sounds so inadequate... but I will be praying for you.
    Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog. It was very encouraging ;-). I love comments...
    Because He lives,

  2. P.S. Thank you for following my blog! I pray that it will encourage you.

  3. I know it sounds so strange, but going back to work after Kailee died really helped me. I'm not sure why. I hate it that there are some people who just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything at all. That was the most hurtful thing about going back to work for me.

    I'll be thinking about you today and praying for you to have a good first day back.


  4. Jenn,
    I have you in my thoughts and prayers everyday.... all the time and it makes me especially treasure my time with Kendall. I wish with all that is within me that you didn't have to go through this and I would do anything to take this neverending pain away....even if it meant give my own bring Eli to you for you to have Eli in your arms and healthy as all your others precious children. It is strange how a 2yr and 3yr old cdhild comprehends death. We have the picture that you gave me in the living room and when Kendall see it she brings it to me and says "look Mama that's baby Eli and he is in heaven with Jesus....she completes her thought by saying....I want to go and see baby Eli in heaven". So it seems as if Kendall and Lucy Rose are on the same page as far as understanding where Eli is and that we all will see him soon.
    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and lift you up.

  5. I can so, so, SO relate to the going back to school knots in your stomach!!! I was scheduled to go back next Monday (2nd grade...been out on maternity leave since October) and have nearly had panic attacks for the last week thinking about it.

    Yesterday, John and I decided the cost emotionally was just too high. So, I decided, yesterday, that I would not go back. To go back is to go back to a world that was--Matthew was alive and the world was right.

    I am a different person now...and going back, with those sweet little boys and girls expecting "me" (And why wouldn't they? That's totally who they deserve!)...knowing that I'm not sure of who I am's just too overwhelming.

    Lifting you in prayer as you miss your precious boy!