I used to love to go to Six Flags in the summers. My favorite ride is a classic, the Scream Machine. It is probably the first roller coaster I ever rode on. I can remember getting on that ride for the first time. I remember thinking that it would be nothing. Then we hit the first valley. Needless to say I understood why it was called the Scream Machine. Well, I have not been to Six Flags in a few years, but I have certainly been on a roller coaster. The roller coaster I am on right now is not the fun kind, but I can relate the two. These last six months have been full of ups and downs, and like a roller coaster the downs come much more quickly than the ups. It just takes longer to come to the top of the coaster...then you just plumet to the bottom. Once at the bottom you oh so slowly creep back to the top the whole while anticipating...Well you get my drift. Tonight I feel myself in that valley. I miss my boy so very much right now. Tomorrow will be three months since he came and went. I just am at one of those points that I do not know what to do with myself. He would be smiling and laughing right now. He would be getting used to a routine. I wonder if he would love to be swaddled like his sister did...maybe sang to and patted on his little rump like Cooper. Or would he be belly laughing like Jay at this point. I had a talk with God today and all I could say was " I want my baby" over and over. But God told me I couldn't have him and it hurts...He told me he had a greater purpose than to fill my arms but that he would always fill my heart.
So tomorrow will be three months of remembering, loving, longing...
Also tomorrow is twenty-two years that my brother went home to Jesus. Ray Wilkes was two years older than me. He was sixteen when he died. He drowned on a church youth trip while canoeing on a river. Several of us teens had gotten ahead of the adults in our group and decided to stop and wait for them to catch up. While waiting we were horse playing in the water and Ray Wilkes drowned. Those were dark days at my house and those memories are still pretty fresh in my mind. Ray Wilkes was your typical older brother who gave me a hard time but I sure loved him. I often wonder what he would be today were he still here. He loved the outdoors and farming. He was a hard worker. I miss him. I think about how he had twenty-two years in heaven before welcoming Eli. I am comforted to know that they are there together.
It seemeth such a little way to me,
Across to that strange country, the Beyond;
And yet, not strange, for it has grown to be
The home of those of whom I am so fond;
They make it seem familiar and most dear,
As journeying friends bring distant countries near.
And so for me there is no sting to death,
And so the grave has lost its victory;
It is but crossing with abated breath
And white, set face, a little strip of sea,
To find the loved ones waiting on the shore,
More beautiful, more precious than before.
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Much love with a heavy heart tonight,