Sunday, May 16, 2010

Running on Empty

I John 4:18-19
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
We love him, because he first loved us.

How can we be broken and spilled out if we are not filled up?
What are we going to be filled up with?
What do we want to spill out?

If there is one thing that I do not want from this journey, it is to be bitter. God gives and he takes away. Bitterness is ugly and it can destroy. If we accept God's perfect love and allow it to fill our lives, no matter what circumstances befall us, we will spill out love. I know that God gave us Eli, I know that God's love is perfect, and I know that is what He wants people to see from us. That does not mean that we will not grieve, ask why, or have bad days. I do all three of those, but I also know that He has promised me eternity in heaven, where I will hold my baby again. I long for the day when my Lord calls me home.  I long for the day when I will understand without fear, His perfect love. I love the God that gave us a baby and then took him home before I was ready to give him up. I do not always understand Him, but I still love him without reservation. I trust him when he says "I know the thoughts I think toward you". There is a plan in place for my life...Eli's life. I am diligently searching for that plan. Whatever that plan is, I want it to be filled with God's perfect love. I am sure He wants to use that love to cast out fear and make me a vessel to spill out His light. If I allow bitterness to enter it will ultimately snuff out the light He so lovingly wants to share through me. I have seen what bitterness can do if left to fester. It would be so easy to play the blame game.  It would be so easy to say there is no glory in the death of my son. It would be easy to allow bitterness to take root in my life and overcome. But then Satan would have become the victor here. Eli's life on earth would have no purpose if I allowed that to happen. And guess what? I am not willing to allow that.  I will fight the bitterness...Satan. God will not make me fight it alone, He will fight with me. One of the hardest things in life is to have patience and wait on God to reveal himself...His will for us.
I remember when Jamie and I were ready to begin our family.  We were so excited about becoming pregnant and having a little one.  I got pregnant a month after we started trying. I miscarried that baby shortly after that. Eight months later we were pregnant again.  I lost that baby also.  Seven months later we were pregnant again and once again, I miscarried that little one. This was a difficult time in my life.  A time where I wondered if God was trying to tell me that he just did not want us to have children. It was during my second miscarriage that I started using Dr. Kouri, the doctor that has delivered all of my children. Turns out, I had a septated uterus that would not allow my body to sustain a pregnancy.  Dr. K corrected the problem in my uterus with a simple outpatient surgery. It was hard to be patient during this time and wait on God. Waiting on His timing has turned into a great blessing. His love is perfect and it casteth out fear. I am again waiting on God to reveal his plans in my life. Waiting to see how He plans to use this journey for His purpose. I feel like he is working on something here, I just do not know what. I do know that I have to stay focused on Him and not let fear and bitterness overcome.
He has broken me for a purpose...I pray that I allow His perfect love to continuously spill and not allow fear and bitterness to empty His vessel.

Much love,


  1. BEAUTIFUL! I am praying for you. I know God will allow you to see so much beauty from the ashes...through the tears that He is so lovingly holding for you. I am weeping with you over Eli...but praising God with you for His perfect plan. Praying that He is revealing it to you daily and that you continue to trust in Him. You are so brave are glorifying your Father with each step. I know that is what you want to do. Thanks for sharing. We all need to battle bitterness...Satan will have no part in a story a story of a baby that God perfectly made. We will someday be singing praises with our boys. ...xoxo

  2. I love that he loves us with a perfect love. It is hard to trust that he knows best despite the losses we have had. I remember asking God after losing Alyssa-Joy, " why bless me with the ability to have kids if you are going to take them away before I am ready?". I have learned that I will never understand the mind of God, I just have to trust him, give it to him wholeheartedly, and rise when he calls my name. If anything comes out of our losses, its that we love him even more and know that our babies are with him and experiencing perfect love. Thinking of you and praying for you.

  3. Many prayers and hugs! xoxo

  4. Thank you for this post. :) Sometimes we get so distracted by our own desires, our wishes, that we forget God has a plan designed just for each of us. I know God's love is perfect in every way. I may not always understand his plan, but I do know his plan is filled with love and joy for my life. Being patient.....waiting.....for God to reveal his plan is the hardest part. As I read your blog I know that our journeys are different but the same. I love you and continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.


  5. Beautiful post! I completely feel the same way. I am so sorry that you have endured what you have. I agree that God is working through us, whatever for we may never fully understand. He has definitely worked through you tonight in affecting me with your words. Amazing! Thank you!

    love and prayers