Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Where faith and fear collide

I started this post last night and just could not stay up to finish it.  So, I decided I'd finish it in the morning (today), but before I could even think about getting my laptop out chaos ensued around here.  LR woke up feeling a bit yucky.  She told me her tummy hurt and I just did not pay much attention to the fact that she was not up playing but instead laying in the recliner. That is until Jay started yelling that she was throwing up.  Now, those who know me, know that I don't mind cleaning dirty diapers and such, but if you put me around someone throwing up...well I'm liable to throw up with them.  I put on my big girl panties this morning, held my breath, threw LR in the tub, and cleaned up the mess along with spraying Lysol.  Amelia was asleep for most of this, but woke up before I got Lucie out of the tub.  She was hungry.  She cries when she is hungry. Today, she screamed.  Cooper was trying to deal with her while I dealt with LR.  LR decided that she wanted to wear a specific skirt after bathing and nothing else would do.  I couldn't find said skirt. More chaos...In the midst of all that was going on, I

Then I literally said out loud, "Deep breaths, Jennifer." Which I followed with a deep breath.  Then I prayed.  I said, "Lord you have to take control of this situation because, I can't control it.  I'm losing more and more control by the second.  Please Lord!" I desperately need his firm, calming hand in that moment. 

He delivered.  In the second after I prayed, I literally put my hand on the skirt LR wanted and Amelia's cry went from a scream to just a cry.  I took another deep breath and thanked Him for his intervention then went on handling what needed to be done.  

Are my prayers always answered that fast?  Nope, they are not. God knew my sanity was a stake this time!  He knows my every need and provides according to His plans.  

He spoke to me yesterday! He spoke in Sunday school...in the song service...in the sermon.  He tailored it all for me. I'm sure not just me, but you know sometimes is seems that way.  He brought this verse to mind. 

Philippians 4:6
6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

One of my most difficult struggles is anxiety or fear.  I have learned to just bath it in prayer because no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it.  I cannot control when my face starts burning, my heart rate increases, I have those dreaded palpation's, I break out in a cold sweat and I cannot sleep. I detest anxiety and all of the awful things it does to my body.   I despise how emotions can control your entire being. 

Maybe this  is rational, maybe it is not...but I feel like when I am anxious, I need to up the faith a little or a lot.  I do have faith and trust in God.  Sometimes I just cannot control those anxious feelings and it leaves me frustrated with myself. I never had to deal with anxiety before Eli.  Sure, I had moments where I got in a tizzy about things that were going on.  I am talking about daily anxiety.  Anxiety that reaches you to the core and shakes you up. I have had my fair share of it in the last (almost) two years. When we found out that Eli had Potter's it all began.  I had just about gotten past the worst of it when we found out we were pregnant with Amelia.  Then it just started all over again. I literally was anxious complete with racing heart, palpitations, and sleeplessness until we had our level II scan with Amelia. 

So today the anxiety is not as bad and does not overcome me like it used to.  It is not a daily experience but I do still battle it on occasions. We were talking about needing to be in control of situations in Sunday school, Sunday morning and how losing control causes anxiety.  It made me stop and wonder.  First of all, I know that everyone has struggles and sometimes those struggles lend way to anxiety.  But I wonder what would happen if instead of losing control of situations, we handed control over to God first.  It is so hard to ask for help isn't it? I struggle so much with this.  I don't want to be a bother even to God.  Am I the only one who has this struggle?  Am I the only one that gets frustrated by anxiety? Am I the only one who can not control anxiety? 
This is where fear and faith collide...in my life at least.

Much love,


  1. Jen, its like you were reading my thoughts. I have extreme anxiety. some days I can pray and talk myself out of it, and some days is is just.....overwhelming. I worry about the smallest thing and even though my spiritual heart knows God is in control and can change any situation, I still get heart palpitations, break out in a sweat, can't sleep, and so on. Thanks for the scripture. I need to remind myself that He will take care of it all. Hugs to you.

  2. You are not the only one! I have always suffered from worry and anxiety. It has been multiplied times a hundred since we found out about Ella. I get so angry and frustrated with myself that I can't control it. Every doctors appt my heart is racing and my BP is up. I pray about it. But I think I just pray and hold on to it at the same time. I don't know how to let it go..., even though I want to more than anything. I am sorry you have to feel it too. (( hugs))

  3. You are not alone! I struggle with this same problem, particularly after losing Amelia.