Sunday, February 27, 2011

Just remembering...

One year ago today I held his tiny little cold body for the last time.  I kissed him and told him again I loved him and handed him to Jamie so that he could be placed in that little bitty box. The lid was closed and sealed and he was placed into the ground and covered with earth. There have been many, many times since then that I have literally wanted to take my bare hands and remove that earth for one more kiss or to fill my arms with his 4 pounds 7 ounces just one more time. What stopped me?  Well, because I know that he is not in that little box buried under the earth. He is in a place of perfect peace and rest...a place of serenity...of love...of no evil...Heaven. Often, when I go out there, I take my finger or hand and trace the imprints of his sweet little feet on the cold stone that covers his resting place. It reminds me of how very small and fragile he really was. I went yesterday and remembered just a year ago the last time I ever touched him. The last time that I knew the weight of him in my arms. I still have not gotten to the point that I can hold another infant because I do not want to replace the feel of him in my arms.  I know that soon I will hold his sister and that is in a sense perfect for me.  Not that she will or ever could replace him, just that maybe she can ease some of the ache in my arms. With each passing day I become more and more ready to hold our precious little Amelia.
It was also a year ago today that my milk came in for a baby who would never need it. I remember this being one of the most difficult things to deal with because yet again I felt my body had betrayed me.  I know it was just doing what it naturally does, but why this time?  Why should I have to deal with this on top of everything else. I'm not sure why this was one of the more difficult things to deal with. It just was. 
We sang happy birthday to him in church this morning.  That one act of remembrance means more to me than that congregations will ever in a million years know.  In a way he was validated today.  It is so easy for others to forget that he was ever really here.  I understand that and get it.  I do not even resent it.  It makes me sad that he could be forgotten so easily...but I understand. But, he was remembered and acknowledged and treated just like everyone else there with a birthday.  It was just beautiful and was good for my soul.  Thank you to the wonderful people I go to church with. 
I know that this is kind of all over the place...I just needed to get it out. 
Much love,


  1. I love you, Jen......I wish I could have held B he honest, I didn't know I, John at Dillard's didn't think I should even see him b/c he looked so bad. Treasure those last moments with Eli....they are just as much a blessing as they are a curse. I love you.....a rainbow is on the horizon!

  2. Many hugs and prayers. How beautiful your congregation sang happy birthday to him!

  3. Today was the first day of our church's missions conference. Eli has been on my heart all weekend and especially all day today. Even though it's not a year to the day that he was born, he was born on the kickoff day of our missions conference last year, so he'll always be on my heart as we have our missions conference. Love you all. Missing him with and for you.

  4. Jennifer,
    During our morning worship service today the song leader chose "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" as one of our songs. As I played that song this morning my mind went back to one year ago as I sang and played this song at Eli's funeral. While playing today tears filled my eyes. Although our hearts are still broken I was reminded again of just how great God's faithfulness is. I love you guys and pray for you daily.

  5. Hugs to you, Jennifer! I love that Eli was remembered with a birthday song at church today. I smiled at your comment about the post being all over the place. It seemed perfectly in place to me. :)

  6. What a beautiful brought tears to my eyes because your feelings mirror my own so much..I always place my hands on her grave each time I go to see the best way that I can remember the feeling of her. I also believe that when my milk came in was the worst part of it all. Nursing has always been one of my favorite parts, and to not have a baby to give it to was horrible. I actually considered donating it, but after much consideration I thought it might just draw out the feeling of her loss even more..What a wonderful mom you are, and Amelia (just love that name btw) is lucky to have you as her mother. Do you ever wonder if she will bring traces of her brother with her? I was asked that once..I never really thought about it until I was asked, but maybe she will in some or another. She will never replace Eli, but she gets the honor or being his little sister!

  7. HUGS Jennifer! I understood just exactly what you wrote. I've been there too. I LOVE that your congregation sang to Eli. Such a sweet sound that was I am sure.

  8. What a blessing in a birthday song! It does feel so good to have you child remembered and celebrated. I am so with you on this entire post. Though, I have held two babies since Amelia. Not really what I wanted but it just sort of happened that way...

    Until we can hold them again in heaven we wait!
    Prayers without end for you sweet friend!

  9. I too remember my milk coming in and it was SO seemed like such a waist...I have wrote about it so many times. It made it so hard to heal and move on. It was so hard to understand that God IS bigger and HAS bigger plans for our angels...My heart can't wait until we are united with our babies in heaven one day!

  10. (((hugs))) to you. Those last moments are forever precious