One year ago today I held his tiny little cold body for the last time. I kissed him and told him again I loved him and handed him to Jamie so that he could be placed in that little bitty box. The lid was closed and sealed and he was placed into the ground and covered with earth. There have been many, many times since then that I have literally wanted to take my bare hands and remove that earth for one more kiss or to fill my arms with his 4 pounds 7 ounces just one more time. What stopped me? Well, because I know that he is not in that little box buried under the earth. He is in a place of perfect peace and rest...a place of serenity...of love...of no evil...Heaven. Often, when I go out there, I take my finger or hand and trace the imprints of his sweet little feet on the cold stone that covers his resting place. It reminds me of how very small and fragile he really was. I went yesterday and remembered just a year ago the last time I ever touched him. The last time that I knew the weight of him in my arms. I still have not gotten to the point that I can hold another infant because I do not want to replace the feel of him in my arms. I know that soon I will hold his sister and that is in a sense perfect for me. Not that she will or ever could replace him, just that maybe she can ease some of the ache in my arms. With each passing day I become more and more ready to hold our precious little Amelia.
It was also a year ago today that my milk came in for a baby who would never need it. I remember this being one of the most difficult things to deal with because yet again I felt my body had betrayed me. I know it was just doing what it naturally does, but why this time? Why should I have to deal with this on top of everything else. I'm not sure why this was one of the more difficult things to deal with. It just was.
We sang happy birthday to him in church this morning. That one act of remembrance means more to me than that congregations will ever in a million years know. In a way he was validated today. It is so easy for others to forget that he was ever really here. I understand that and get it. I do not even resent it. It makes me sad that he could be forgotten so easily...but I understand. But today...today, he was remembered and acknowledged and treated just like everyone else there with a birthday. It was just beautiful and was good for my soul. Thank you to the wonderful people I go to church with.
I know that this is kind of all over the place...I just needed to get it out.