Repeat.
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a wall. Pete fell off and who was left?
Repeat.
It has been one of those days. I hate to go on and on about things that trigger bad days or having bad days because frankly, sometimes it sounds like a broken record even to me...kinda like Pete and Repeat...a never ending saga. Then I think well this is my place. It is where I pour it out and it has been so long since I have felt compelled to pour it out. I guess that is a good thing...right?
I have been stung four different times while working in the garden this summer. Twice by bumble bees, once by a wasp, and once by a yellow jacket. Each sting hurt but I got over it pretty quickly except for the last one. A stinking bumble bee got me on my rear end. I think it hitched a ride on my fanny and when I sat in the car it got ticked and did a number on me. It swelled, burned, developed a fever on that side and turned red and angry. After Benadryl and consultation with my hubbs and mom, I decided the next day to let a doctor look at it. Her response was confirmation that I had done the right thing by coming in. So, after steriods and antibiotics, my rear is on the mend.
Funny how sometimes a sting has minimal pain and other times it can really throw you for a loop. It's a lot like grief. It has almost been two and a half years. Everyday does not sting but sometimes it just randomly happens and it is beyond my control. Sometimes it can be just as raw as it was in the very beginning.
I started this post on Friday and today as I sit here and write, the rawness has gotten better. I think of him everyday. I long for him everyday. Some days are just really bad. They are fewer and farther between than they used to be, but when it hits, I can count on a rough few days. I really hate that about grief, the fact that you never know when it will get you. As I was really struggling those few days, I can recall at least five times that God put these verses in front of me.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
I love that about God, how He walks with us and He talks with us. Even when we do not listen the first time...or second...or third, He does not give up on us. He is patient and kind.
Even when I question Him, he loves. When I begged and begged him to just let us keep Eli, He answered and told us that, while we would see a miracle, Eli was His and He was going to take him Home. I'm left questioning... If I had just had a little more faith would it have been different? Did I just not ask in the right way? Did I step wrong in the valley?
Those things really haunt me sometimes. But He answers...
He says,"Lean not into thine own understanding. Trust me and I will show you the way. "
What an amazingly loving Abba Father we serve!
Much love,
