Monday, May 23, 2011

Cloak and Dagger

So it happened.  I knew it would at some point but I was not prepared for it.  My heart was not ready to read what my eyes were seeing.  A comment was left on my blog that was a dagger to my soul. I erased it from my blog but have been unable to erase it from my mind.  Jamie's advise was to forget about it and not even dignify it with a response. He thinks...well we think that it was just someone trying to stir up trouble.  It still hurt.  I honestly was not sure how to take the comment.  It went something like this...

Congratulations on your new baby girl.  I hope she does not feel like a replacement for Eli. 

So does that mean that anonymous hopes she does not feel like a replacement to Jamie and I...
If that is the case, then I can put anonymous' worries at ease.  There will NEVER, EVER be a replacement for Eli.  He is our fourth child.  Amelia is our fifth.  Each of my five children have their own place in our family and in my heart.  They are all irreplaceable. Unless you have been where we are, you can not possibly understand that. They are children not a material thing that can be replaced.

But my mind also goes here...
What if anonymous meant that he/she hoped Amelia did not grow up feeling like we had her to replace her brother.  Jamie or I either one would never make her feel that way...but what if she did anyway? It is my sincerest and deepest hope that she would never feel that way.  She is NOT. Amelia is a gift...a blessing...a very special baby girl that brings us sunshine after a storm, but my other children are just as much a gift and blessing.  They also have brought us much sunshine even in the midst of our storm. 

The cloak of anonymity is such a wonderful thing isn't it? I mean...I'll never know where this comment came from...if this person regularly reads my musings or was a one time visitor.  It is almost like being unable to face you accuser.  I'd love to face him or her.  So, I guess this cloak is wonderful to the other guy but daunting to me.  I want my blog to be a place that people can come and see that God's grace and mercy see that we are getting through this day by see that although we will never get over losing Eli, we are walking with God to move see that not everyday is as easy as the last but not as dark as the see that storms have see that the sun will shine again.  I could go on and on.  I want people to be able to comment as they wish, so I will not limit access to my blog.  I do however wish that if someone wants to leave me a comment that pierces like a dagger they lose the cloak of anonymity and be straight forward with me.  Let me know who you are and why you have these concerns.  I'll answer them.  I'll be straight forward with you. 

No more cloak and dagger please!!!
Much love,

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Far, far away

I have had lots on my mind in the last few days.  I went to a funeral Friday...

My granddaddy's brother, Uncle Clayton passed away last week.  My granddaddy has been gone now for almost 18 years.  He was an extraordinarily special person...the kindest most humble person you have ever known.  His brother, Uncle Clayton was also that kind of person...just humble. His funeral service was sweet, if that makes any sense.  He joined his sweet wife, Aunt Helen, in Heaven.  He also joined several brothers and sisters.  There are only two left here now, Uncle Parker and Aunt Gwendolyn.

As I sat in that service, I began watching those family members closest to Uncle Clayton, particularly Aunt Gwendolyn. Her face was not the face of one that was distraught, having no hope.  It was a face of one who remembered.  There were times looking at her that it was evident she was climbing a tree behind her big brother or watching as a beloved brother left for school while she was left with mama....maybe she was longing to follow along on that first date.  She was far away, back in time Friday.  There were tears...there was sadness.  The tears and sadness were not for Uncle Clayton but for times long gone. The tears were not constant but present with fond memories. I have seen her attend three funerals of brothers and a sister in the last year.  My heart hurts for her.  Grief is lonesome, but I imagine for her it is even more so.

You know, I thought about the difference in Aunt Gwendolyn and myself.  As I sat in a chapel a little over a year ago, I had no fond memories of days long ago.  My tears and sadness were different.  They were for shattered hopes and dreams of a son I'd only know briefly this side of Heaven.  My tears were because I would never see Lucie Rose or Amelia chase him up a tree. I would never console a little sister as Eli left her behind as he grew up. Her tears were the tears of a sister burying her brother of 88 years.  Mine were of a mother burying her son of 32 weeks, three days, and two hours. I sat in that chapel Friday and thought of these things.  The tears, once again gathered and fell...tears for Aunt Gwendolyn, Uncle Clayton's children and grandchildren...selfish tears for me because I still miss my baby boy every second of every day. Going to a funeral takes my mind back there, back to Eli's service...

Uncle Clayton was buried with military honors.  As we made our way from the chapel to his burial site, his body was placed in a horse drawn hearse.  It was a site to behold with his flag draped coffin being carried by a glass encased carriage, driven by a man in a coat with tales and top hat. As the hearse made its way to the burial site, two men in full dress uniforms saluted Uncle Clayton's body. Gives me chills just remembering...
Once verses had been read and prayers said for the family, his body was saluted again while taps was played.  It was a humbling experience.  It made me pause for a second and think of all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers...whom have given up a loved one for this great nation we live in. I thought of all the memories these loved ones were made to forfeit for our freedom. To think that these men and women made the choice to put themselves in death's path is the most humbling of all. 

Friday's events stirred many thoughts and emotions.  I just needed to write it out and share.

Much love,

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Be All End All

Okay, so this is the proverbial Mother's Day post...there is not even a twist to make it any different.  I just is what it is.  What can I say?

Growing up there were three things I wanted to be:
1. A teacher
2. A wife
3. A mother

(not particularly in that order)

I wanted these things so badly that I begged God to give them to me. When I played as a child, I played one of three things.  I played like I was the bride in a wedding, a mother with my baby dolls, or a teacher to all my dolls and animals. I even had a chalkboard in my classroom, I mean bedroom. Well, when I was fourteen, my sixteen year old brother was killed in a drowning accident. At that time in my life, I would even pray that if God was going to take me like he did my brother to please let me do those three things first.  Not very rational, I know.  I was fourteen after all.
Well, I became a wife first.  I married the most wonderful man.  God was good and He certainly blessed me in that area.  Then that same year I started my first year of teaching.  My first year, a year straight from the pits, turned into twelve years in a public school classroom and now one year in my homeschool classroom. I almost quit that first year but I didn't.  I hung on and went to a different school the next year and fell in love with a childhood dream. If that first year teaching was not hard enough, Jamie and I decided to start trying to have a baby.  I got pregnant the first month we started trying and soon after finding out had a miscarriage. That was in April, just one month before our one year anniversary.  I got pregnant again a few months later and Thanksgiving day of that year I had another miscarriage. Then in June of the following year I had my third miscarriage. I was beginning to think that God just did not want me to hold a baby here on earth.  Mother's days became very painful as well as baby dedication days at church.  I remember the last baby dedication day I went to before having Jay.  I bawled through the entire service.  I wanted to be a mother...a mother of a baby here that is. It is so sad that the world does not recognize mothers whom have suffered miscarriage and have nothing tangible to hold on to.
In November 2000, I learned that Jay was on the way. I began having problems with that pregnancy but my little guy held on and was born in August of the following year.  Then came Cooper, Lucie Rose, Eli and now Amelia.  I am truly blessed.
I love being a mama.  It is the most rewarding and humbling job I could possibly have.  There is nothing better than hugging and kissing my sweetlings.  I love teaching them in our little homeschool classroom.  I love waking up and knowing that I get to spend my days with them.  I am not saying that everyday is smooth sailing.  I.IS.NOT!! Friday was for certain a calgon day at my house.  I am by no means a perfect mother.  I don't have perfect children.  We live in an imperfect world after all. We have constant struggles that sometimes get the best of me.  That is just part of it though. I learn from those times when I need a break just like my kiddos learn from those times when life just does not go their way.  Sounds like life to me! Although I try to be patient all of the time in every situation, I fail more often than I would like. Through all of those trials and errors, I still LOVE being a mother. It is a childhood adulthood prayer answered. My dear hubbie jokes around and says that he prayed for God to give him patience and He gave him boys. This is such a true statement. I am thankful that is the way in which God has chosen to teach us patience. I am so thankful that God has answered my prayers. Even though my family here on earth is incomplete, I praise Him and thank Him. I miss Eli like crazy and carry him in my heart, but I know God is good all the time.
My prayers are different these days. How you ask? I ask God to bless this family in a different way now. First of all, I pray that God would keep us all safe and healthy. I also pray for God to use me to raise them in a way that would honor Him. I want nothing more or nothing less than for my children to love the Lord and live their lives for Him.
One day the Lord is going to call me home and when He does, I am going to thank Him in person for answered prayers.  I am going to thank Him most of all for making me a mother who gets to teach her babies with a wonderful fella to lead us along. It is the be all end all of my life!

Much love,

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Urgent Prayer Request

To all my prayer warrior friends out there...
Please join me in praying for a BLM friend tonight.  I can not give specifics right now.  My friend is currently pregnant with her second rainbow baby.  There are some possible (not for sure) problems. She is going in for further testing and is so very scared.  I will update this request when the testing is complete. My friend knows she is having a baby girl.  Please pray that this baby girl is healthy and whole and also pray for peace for my sweet friend and her family. 

Much love tonight,