Divine Design

Added after the fact:
Randomness Warning
My sweet hubbie called me a little while ago and said, "I read your blog." I replied, "You did? What dja think? In the sweetest way possible, he responded, "It...was.. alright." So by now I am just ready for him to spit it out. I say, "What was wrong with it." His reply, "It was alright." Now, you must know that Jamie likes to kid around and play pranks a lot, but he wouldn't hurt the feelings of a flea for anything. So, I know he is just trying to be nice. He finally spit it out and told me that it was just hard to follow. Well, I did have to tell him that I posted the darn thing at 1:40 this morning while he was drooling all over his pillow. Anyway, these are my thoughts, maybe they do not make much sense. Believe it or not they don't to me sometimes either and when I write them down they seem to make more sense. This time they are just random.

In my quest to watch only things lighthearted, I watch mostly HGTV and Food Network (lest we forget Toy Story). One show on HGTV that I watch from time to time is Divine Design with Candice Olsen. Man, she is good. Every single detail of the design of a room is planned to perfection. Even the most minute details are thought about and add to the design of the room. Just the right throw pillow to provide a little contrast...just the right everything. Then abracadabra, a beautifully designed room for all the world to see.
Divine Design...
What's in a name? Divine means proceeding directly for God. Design means intend or have as a purpose or plan. So divine design is a plan intended with a purpose proceeding directly from God.
Not really sure why, but that word divine has been floating around in my head for the last two or three days. What could be the purpose for that? Don't really know!! So when I sat down to blog, mind you the sweeties were playing ball in the house because it was just too hot to play outside, the show Divine Design was the first thing that came to my mind. Now it is a completely new day or two and I am sitting in bed next to my slumbering better half, giving this subject a little more thought.
What does it mean that we are all divinely designed? On a side note, when I think of divine, I also think of a really decadent desert. Does that mean that God planned the said desert? Could be...
I know that this earth and all of its inhabitants are part of a divine design. Genesis gives us this information. That means that you, me, and yes, even those people we can only take in small doses and sometimes no doses at all are part of a greater plan...a divine design.
I know as surely as I sit here and as surely as my hubbie slumbers (and snores occasionally) my little man that I am missing with a vengeance tonight is a part of that divine design. His kidneys were not a mistake. He was not a mistake. His little 4lb 7oz body was divinely designed. It was broken here on earth, but it no longer is. Some days I just toss up my hands and say Not my will my Yours Lord, because I do not know what else to say. Possibly, I do not know what else to say because those are the exact words He wants to hear from me.
Colossians 1:15-20
15Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:
16For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:
17And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.
18And he is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things he might have the preeminence.
19For it pleased the Father that in him should all fulness dwell;
20And, having made peace through the blood of his cross, by him to reconcile all things unto himself; by him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven.

Colossians 2:9-10
9For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily.
10And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power:

Even when we do not understand, it is part of a divine design. One we will be privy to one day.
Much love,

WhirliGig

Let me just preface the thoughts that I am going to share here tonight with one statement.
I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER!
I have seen firsthand these past several months evidence to support my belief.

We had a guest preacher at church Sunday night and my thoughts have been whirling since. This preacher gave his testimony, which was a true testament to God's awesome provisions in his life. In summary, he shared about being called to preach and the sacrifices he made all the while having faith that God would provide for him. He shared many examples of times when he and his family were in need and those needs were met unexplained by any other supernatural force than God Himself. It was impressive to say the least. While it was impressive there were some things he expounded upon concerning his beliefs that I just have a hard time with.
What I am really having a hard time with is the notion that if we name it, claim it, and tag it, we can take it home. What happens when what we name, claim, and tag is not part of God's perfect plan for our lives?
Maybe someone can give me more insight on this. I think that perhaps He answers our prayers in different ways.
Where am I coming from on this?
Well, November 30, 2009 I began praying and seeking God's face like I never have before. I believed. I had faith. I knew that God possessed(es) the power to reach in and heal Eli's kidneys. There was never a doubt in my mind about that. I prayed, I begged, I named it and claimed it. I even tagged it, but I didn't get to take it home. It was not His will. Until my child drew his last breath, I had faith that God could and would let me keep my child. All along there were signs leading me to the forgone conclusion that I would not have my prayers answered like I wanted them to be. I KNOW that prayers were and are answered. I know that God has gently carried my family through this storm and will continue to. But, it is still not what I prayed for.
Well according to the preacher Sunday night, I just was not either faithful enough, righteous enough, or both. He basically said that all of his prayers were answered because he had an unwavering faith in God and he was living for God. He was following whole-heartedly in God's will for his life. That is why God has made provisions for his family and continues to. I left church upset, thinking that maybe, I am not caring for Eli today because somehow I am out of the will of God. It has really bothered me.
Jamie and I have said all along that if God was not going to leave Eli with us, or even if He was, we wanted this situation to bring glory to God. We have been adamant about that. I fully believe that God has and will use my little guy to further His kingdom. I believe that there is something special waiting around the other bend, and that is why God called him home after his brief life here. I believe that God is allowing us to go through this tribulation for reasons unbeknown to us.
I do not believe that I did not have enough faith or was not persistent enough in seeking His face, so He left my prayers for earthly healing unanswered. I am a sinner saved by the merciful grace of God. I am not perfect, but I do not believe that is a prerequisite for answered prayers either. If that were so even those prayers of that preacher would be left unanswered, because we all sin. It just seamed to me that this man was saying that because he lives right and is a faithful child of God, his prayers get answered. That just does not sit well with me at all. Maybe I misconstrued his message. It has caused a whirligig in my already restless mind.
So, what can I do in this instance but turn to the only infallible authority I have on this issue. In my search for answers and peace about this, this is where God led me.
Ephesians 3:13-19
13Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory,
14For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
15Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
16That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
17That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
So there you have it...
And to answer that question that has been on your mind the entire time you have been reading this post...
A whirligig is an object that spins or whirls, or has whirling parts. This answer is brought to you by the very fallible authority Wikipedia.
Much love,

Movie night

I heart Netflix!!!
Our DVD player has been on the outs for a few days, so we just turn on the Wii and stream Netflix through that! Also, they don't get mad and make ugly phone calls when you forget to turn in a movie. I know we kept three movies for three for four months at one point. They were so patient with our scatterbrains. They just did not send us more until we put those back in the mail. Back to the DVD player...I figured out why it was not working. For some odd reason, like a 2 1/2 year old, there was a baby wipe stuffed in the VCR part of it. Once I figured that out and removed it...Wa-la... it works again. Good thing too, we were going through major Toy Story withdrawals. To infinity and beyond was not constantly running through my head. Yep, I actually caught myself telling Jamie I loved him to infinity and beyond one day. He promptly informed me that Toy Story needed to be hidden for a few days. Come to think of it...maybe he stuffed the baby wipe in the VCR. Surely not...
Anyway, now that the DVD player is up and running again we planned on family movie night tonight. It is great. We spread a huge blanket out on the floor, pile pillow and blankets down there, and get all comfy. Not so comfy as to not enjoy the Ben and Jerry's though. It's ice cream instead of popcorn around here. I figure that if I am going to spend the calories anyhow, I might as well do it without having to pick kernels from my teeth. I know, I know...TMI.  Well movie night did not work out with the boys tonight. They decided that they wanted to go spend the night with my parents and go to the farm with Papa tomorrow. So, it was just Jamie, LR, and me. And....we were out of Ben and Jerry's. So, we opted to settle for a blizzard from Dairy Queen instead. Reese's peanut butter cup, of course. Once all of the business at hand was taken care of, it was movie time. We decided to see a movie that I have been putting off for months, The Blind Side. Before you wrinkle your brow at me, let me just say, I have not been able to bring myself to watch it. I was afraid I would cry through the entire movie. I just have not been able to watch anything too heavy. Toy Story is about as heavy as it gets besides Food Network around here...and well House Hunters. So, I told myself that tonight would be as good a night as any to test the waters with a not so light hearted movie... and the other choices were Chipmunks and 2012. I am glad we finally watched it. It is an amazing and uplifting story. Yes, there were a few tears, but no sobs. I did not even need a tissue. I am proud of me. I just loved Sandra Bullock's character in that movie. She was really funny.
Tonight was a good night. I missed my boys, but I am sure they did not miss me.
I must leave you with another little funny tonight. Lucie Rose can be so darn funny sometimes.  She is bossy for sure! She was in a sassy mood a couple of days ago and she decided she did not like what I was doing at the moment. So, she told me about it or corrected me. Not the funny part. I looked at her with those mama eyes. You all know the ones. We've all seen them. Anyway, in a stern voice I said, "Just who do you think you are little girl?" She replied, "I fink I Elvis." (queue laughter now). Yep, I laughed too!
I mean really, she is 2 1/2. What does she know about Elvis?
Much love,

A peek into the past

I have found myself unable to lay down and close my eyes so many nights these last few weeks. I am sitting here now thinking about birthdays. I have given birth to four babies and each time I have found that I miss having them in my belly. I miss feeling them next to my heart 24/7. I was thinking back to when Jay was born (Almost nine years ago. Where does time go?). There were so many unknowns... I was ready to have him when he came. I was done being pregnant. My rear hurt ALL of the time. It was hot. I had awful carpal tunnel in both hands. Then when I had him, I missed being pregnant like crazy. I missed feeling him kick box my ribs. I missed the hiccups. I missed everything about being pregnant. However, I had this amazing little bald headed baby to love and care for. Ten months later, I found out Cooper was on the way. Once again, I loved being pregnant. This time it was not as hot, my rear didn't hurt, and the carpal tunnel was very mild. I just enjoyed carrying him. He was very lazy and did not wiggle around too much. Wouldn't you know it, he decided to come early. I started going into labor with him at 34 weeks. I took meds to stop labor for two weeks and he finally made his appearance at 36 weeks. He has always been stubborn like that, still is. Once again I really missed being pregnant. Maybe this seems strange to some, I do not know. I can tell you having two children under 18 months is a lot easier when one is in your belly. Those were crazy days around my house. Jamie and I both worked an hour or so from home and Jamie was in school full time, at night. I still am not really sure how we maintained our sanity, except for my mom who kept the boys during the day for us and my sister who camped out with me when ever I needed her (which was often). Cooper was such a beautiful baby with a head full of dark hair and had the best temperament. He was so easy. He was sleeping all night by five weeks. Then I got pregnant with my Lucie Rose about three years later. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant again. I loved feeling her wiggle around in my belly. She was another easy pregnancy. It was beyond hot that summer. In fact the day she was born the temperature outside was a whopping 107 and we will not even talk about what the heat index was. But, I still enjoyed carrying her. Then she was born and turned out to be my easiest baby yet. She required little. She ate and slept and ate and slept. When I took her for her two week check up she wound up being put in ICU because she has Salmonella. Not really sure how or why, but she was severely dehydrated. I was nursing and she ate well but she had severe diarrhea. I called the doctor and they assured me that was normal for nursing babies. My instincts told me differently, but I assumed they knew more than me. That is really when I learned to follow my instincts more closely. I took 9 months for that ugly virus to finally leave her body. Despite all of that she was still so stinkin easy. As long as you swaddled her like a burrito she was content. Then we got pregnant with Eli. From the start this pregnancy was different. At first, I did not really know if I was pregnant or not. I spotted quite a bit and just did not feel pregnant. I was though and it was confirmed September 9, 2009. We had an ultrasound that day and I got a picture of my little butter bean. Each visit to the doctor was uneventful. I started feeling him move around 15 weeks or so. I never once realized anything was wrong until our 20 week ultrasound. Once we found out that Eli had Potter's Syndrome, we determined to make the most out of all of the time we would get with this baby. I was determined not to complain one bit because I was just thankful to have him in my belly. Jamie got to feel him move for the first time around 21 or 22 weeks. Without fluid his movements were way more pronounced. I loved everything about being pregnant with him. I will tell you that when you do not have fluid to cushion the baby, things can be quite a bit more painful. But I knew that it was worth it and even those moments of aches and pains are as precious to me now as they were then. I would have taken that and anything else just to know he was alive and close to my heart. I miss being pregnant with him more than any of my others because aside from a few minutes in my arms that is all I have from him. Lord knows I would love to be sitting here writing about colic or sleepless nights or sleeping in a hospital waiting room while my baby is in the NICU instead of missing him like crazy. I still have those phantom movements that stop me in my tracks sometimes.
As I type, I think about the two sweet mother's that gave birth today. I know they like me wished that they could have carried those little ones forever. My heart aches for them and what they have to face now. Being pregnant was so much easier than what is to come. I have prayed for them over and over today and then some more. Someone told me when I was still pregnant with Eli, that when he was born I would hold a piece of heaven in my arms and it was so true. I pray that these mamas and daddies are still holding heaven and memorizing every detail of their little ones. I also learned very quickly that when you have to stop holding heaven, heaven will hold you. My prayer for these families in the days to come is that heaven holds them close.
Much love,

Urgent prayer request

My heart is heavy tonight for two sweet blogger mamas who will give birth to babies tomorrow.
Angelle will be giving birth to baby Alexander tomorrow. Alexander has Potter's syndrome (the same as Eli). Angelle went in for induction this afternoon. She will more than likely welcome Alexander in a few short hours and sometime thereafter hand him over to Jesus.
Melissa will give birth via planned c-section to baby Amelia tomorrow as well. Amelia has Anencephaly, which is also a fatal diagnosis.
Please lift these sweet mamas and their families up to our Lord and Savior. They are being asked to do something that no parent ever wants to face. Both of these women chose life for their babies despite receiving a fatal diagnosis. They chose to let God be the one to decide when they would be welcomed into heaven. If you get a chance and feel led, visit their sites by clicking on their highlighted names and let them know you are praying. These families need constant prayer to face the days to come.
My heart just breaks that other mamas and daddies should be faced with this.
Much love and many prayers tonight,

Home is where...

...your heart is. Wow, if that is so, then mine is torn. It is in two places. It is here where my husband and three living children are along with the rest of my family. My heart is also in heaven where my Lord and my baby are. I know that I will be there in a moment...

We are home from vacation! Normally coming home is nice but sad also. Sometimes I think that I could just live at the beach and be a beach bum for...ever. Who does not love the ocean, with it's waves crashing and rolling, and the beautiful sunrise and sunsets?  The beach is God's artwork at its best. Nighttime at the beach is breathtaking... the moon reflecting off of the ocean...watching the waves roll in and wash back out, but not really seeing them.
This trip was different...it was bittersweet. We are different now. There is a constant air of sadness that surrounds us. We do have fun and enjoy ourselves...we did this vacation. The clouds that followed us around this time had nothing to do with the weather. They are ever looming clouds. The "Sonlight" penetrates them and because of His light (love) we are able to move forward and find enjoyment, peace, relaxation.
It was a pleasure to be able to go and take our family away for a week, but it was so nice to pull into the garage in the wee hours of the morning Saturday morning.  Coming home was a relief if that makes any sense.
I think about how good it felt for me to get home Saturday morning then I try to compare it with how it must have felt for Eli when he left us and went to his heavenly home. I imagine there is not much comparison. For me coming home was nice because it meant I got to sleep in my own bed, get back to routines, be in a familiar place, sit on my couch and watch my TV, and just do mundane things like that. I do not think there was much mundane about Eli going home. What could possibly be mundane about looking at the face of Jesus...meeting Paul, Peter, John the Baptist, Abraham, Elijah...being welcomed into heaven by those gone on before...being in a place of perfect peace and rest? Makes me homesick on a whole other level just thinking about it.
These are some pictures that we took our last night at the beach. We tried to make Eli a part of it as much as possible. The teddy bear in the pictures was given to him by my Aunt Beth. We used it along with a monogrammed blanket and flowers on top of his casket at the funeral. It is Eli's bear and is special to us.

This was made with Jay's feet.

I also wanted to update everyone on baby Wyatt. Prayers were answered!! He is now home. He can not be around people and go out in public for a while, but he is home!
Also, I would like to ask for special prayers this week for the Lorang family. Melissa will give birth to Amelia this week and they are not sure how much time they will be given with sweet little Amelia. Please pray that God would give them a safe delivery and provide unending peace.

Psalm 93 1-5
1 The LORD reigns, He is clothed with majesty;
The LORD is clothed,
He has girded Himself with strength.
Surely the world is established, so that it cannot be moved.
2 Your throne is established from of old;
You are from everlasting.
3 The floods have lifted up, O LORD,
The floods have lifted up their voice;
The floods lift up their waves.
4 The LORD on high is mightier
Than the noise of many waters,
Than the mighty waves of the sea.
5 Your testimonies are very sure;
Holiness adorns Your house,
O LORD, forever.

Much love,

Good days...Bad days

I am still at the point in this new life that I have really good days and really bad days and yesterday was one of those really bad days. I have not had a out and out good cry in a while until last night. I always feel better after a good cry and last night was no exception. I looked back at my blog post from yesterday after that cry and think I really wished that I would not have posted it until after my cry. Perspective is one of those things that changes from time to time, sometimes with the wind. My perspective on life was much better today. Jamie was determined that today would be a good day and it was. We had a really nice time today. We went out on the beach, which was covered with tarballs, but still enjoyed the REALLY hot sand. The heat index was 106 at 10:00 this morning. We played in the pool, ate lunch, took a nap, played in the pool some more and then got in the hot tub (LR's favorite, she calls it a hot bath tub). Then we came in got all spiffied up and went down to the beach for photo time. We got some great pictures. I can not wait to get home and edit them to see how they turned out. The boys got to crab hunt, which they loved. We watched the sun set on the beach (well technically, from the beach) and it was beautiful. Then we went to the local Mexican restaurant for some great fish tacos.
I know that there will be days like yesterday for quite a while to come. There are a lot more firsts to deal with. I know and realize that I can not expect anyone to share those firsts with me. In a way that is special. Eli is mine and because of him I have become a new person. So much has changed because of a tiny 4 pound 7 ounce little miracle. But, because of that tiny little miracle I also have to deal with so many crazy emotions. If God gave me a choice between not having had Eli and doing it again...I would do it again, because that little boy taught me more in his short time than 36 years have taught me. That does not at all mean that I do not wish every moment of every day that he was here with me. I DO and that is a very emphatic I DO. So, I suppose that is why days like yesterday creep up on me.
So, I basically just felt like I needed to apologize for my whining yesterday and let anyone who might be reading my ramblings know that today indeed was a much better day. If you prayed for that, I need to say thank you and let you know that God heard and delivered.
Tomorrow is our last day and we plan to make the most of it, complete with a little retail therapy at the huge outlet mall in Foley. So for now I will say good night and thank you for letting me release a little sadness and frustration.
Much love,