One Sweet Day

...the Lord will call me home and when he does, I will find perfect love.  Until that day, I will continue on the journey He has set me on.  As much as I love my husband and children and as much as I would like to think of that love as perfect... It is not.  There is only one capable of delivering that type of love...Our Heavenly Father. 

I began blogging when my sweet baby Eli was alive and well in my belly.  When we found out he had Potter's Syndrome our world changed.  I blogged to keep those that were praying for us informed.  Somewhere along the way this became my journal...a place for me to come and spill my heart.  I prayed if my words or experience could help anyone else walking this difficult path, that God would allow that.  I prayed that in journaling what was on my heart, God would help those words flow in a manner that would uplift Him.  Then after Eli died, this became my healing place.  I met some wonderful, amazing women who also laid their hearts out in the form of a blog.  I put my thoughts down and analyzed them.  This has been a very cathardic place for me. 

This journey that I am on is ever changing.  As much as I fought healing from the death of my child...it has crept in.  I didn't want it too.  I was afraid that if I healed, I would forget Eli.  That is not the case.  I will never forget Eli and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that everyday brings more healing.  I'll be honest with you.  This morning was pretty tough for me but not all mornings are like that anymore.  I love my son with the same intensity today that I did eighteen months ago. That will not ever change.  I miss my son more and more everyday.  That will not ever change.  But, God has brought happiness into my heart again and the total numbness that I once experienced has lessened.  While Amelia will never replace Eli, God knew I needed her to bring some of the feeling back into my broken heart.  So despite my best efforts, I am healing. 

I have been thinking for a few months now about updating my blog and giving it a new look. I want to put the focus of my blog on the journey...on daily life now that our path has changed.  I even surfed around and tried to figure out what I wanted it to look like and became completely overwhelmed.  Then a few weeks back my friend Mattie held an online auction.  One of the items in the auction up for bid was a custom blog redesign.  I bid on it not thinking that I would ever get it but I did.  I was excited about having the winning bid but still did not know what I wanted.  Becky From Adopt African Digital Designs contacted me and we emailed back and forth about things that I liked and wanted.  My main wish really was that she have fun with my custom blog and I also told her that I wanted something cheerful. Tonight Becky finished putting my blog together.  I LOVE IT! It is so much more than I ever imagined and she got it done way faster than I expected. She did an amazing job.  Thank you so much Becky! You Rock!

 

So now my sweet friends...The journey continues...

Much love, 

Sometimes...Always

Sometimes it is a song...

Sometimes it is a smell...

Sometimes it is a place...

Sometimes it is just random...

It takes me right back to where I was 18 months ago.  I get a lump in my throat, a tightening in my chest, and I feel like I did then.

This morning it was the song on my blog and it just snowballed from there.  I usually have the volume turned off or down really low on my computer but today it was turned up.  When the song came on, I wanted to turn it off because I knew what would happen, but I was drawn in like a moth to a flame.  Then, while getting dressed this morning I put on my deodorant, of all things, and that scent is the one I used when he was born.  This is the first time that I have bought that particular scent since.  That was all it took and I was in those moments again.  The tears came and I willed them away...they came again and I told myself I didn't have time right then for a flood of tears.  After all, I had just finished my make-up. I had somewhere to be... the tears subsided...the lump didn't go away. 

Sometimes it is just so intense...
Always he is on my mind and in my heart!

Much love, 

Where's the Well?

I'm gonna brag a little bit.  I have four very incredible nieces. LeAnn, Katie, Rachel, and Joy are their names.  They belong to my wonderful Sister-in-law, Tina and Brother-in-law, Ryan.  They truly are amazing young ladies.  This past Saturday night we went to a performance that all four of them and Tina were in.  The title of the play was Found at the Well.  It was just simply fantastic. It basically chronicled three women in the bible that found their mates at the well and married, then the woman that met Jesus at the well.  The entire cast did a terrific job but I have to say my nieces rocked the show, and Tina too.

Katie

LeAnn and Rachel

Joy

Tina

I am here to tell you, the well used to be "the" hangout, didn't it? Were it not for the modern convenience of running water, which I am SO thankful for, I'd say it might be kinda cool to have a town well. I can just imagine the married women gathering around the well to have some adult conversation while the smaller children were running around playing.  Then, I can imagine the younger, unmarried ladies chatting about who the cutest fella around town might have been. Maybe a little harmless flirting occurred from time to time between the young ladies and young men.  All of this in the name of drawing water for the family or animals.

This all made me think about how cool it would have been if I'd have met Jamie at "the well".  Then again, I'd miss the modern convenience of running water. How cool would it be to gather every morning to chit chat with peers?  I can see myself drawing water for my family, my hair blowing in the wind, and chivalrous Jamie coming to drawing the water for me...sweeping me off my feet (while the water vessel falls to the ground spilling the family water.)

I guess it could have worked out that my father went to the well to find a husband for me.  That is one scary thought.  Let's not go there.

What if while at the well, I met Jesus!  Now that is a humbling thought. Then again shouldn't we meet Jesus everyday?

I wish that everyone could have seen my sweet nieces and sister-in-law in the play.  It was really terrific!

Much love,

Where faith and fear collide

I started this post last night and just could not stay up to finish it.  So, I decided I'd finish it in the morning (today), but before I could even think about getting my laptop out chaos ensued around here.  LR woke up feeling a bit yucky.  She told me her tummy hurt and I just did not pay much attention to the fact that she was not up playing but instead laying in the recliner. That is until Jay started yelling that she was throwing up.  Now, those who know me, know that I don't mind cleaning dirty diapers and such, but if you put me around someone throwing up...well I'm liable to throw up with them.  I put on my big girl panties this morning, held my breath, threw LR in the tub, and cleaned up the mess along with spraying Lysol.  Amelia was asleep for most of this, but woke up before I got Lucie out of the tub.  She was hungry.  She cries when she is hungry. Today, she screamed.  Cooper was trying to deal with her while I dealt with LR.  LR decided that she wanted to wear a specific skirt after bathing and nothing else would do.  I couldn't find said skirt. More chaos...In the midst of all that was going on, I

STOPPED.

Then I literally said out loud, "Deep breaths, Jennifer." Which I followed with a deep breath.  Then I prayed.  I said, "Lord you have to take control of this situation because, I can't control it.  I'm losing more and more control by the second.  Please Lord!" I desperately need his firm, calming hand in that moment. 

He delivered.  In the second after I prayed, I literally put my hand on the skirt LR wanted and Amelia's cry went from a scream to just a cry.  I took another deep breath and thanked Him for his intervention then went on handling what needed to be done.  

Are my prayers always answered that fast?  Nope, they are not. God knew my sanity was a stake this time!  He knows my every need and provides according to His plans.  

He spoke to me yesterday! He spoke in Sunday school...in the song service...in the sermon.  He tailored it all for me. I'm sure not just me, but you know sometimes is seems that way.  He brought this verse to mind. 

Philippians 4:6
6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

One of my most difficult struggles is anxiety or fear.  I have learned to just bath it in prayer because no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it.  I cannot control when my face starts burning, my heart rate increases, I have those dreaded palpation's, I break out in a cold sweat and I cannot sleep. I detest anxiety and all of the awful things it does to my body.   I despise how emotions can control your entire being. 

Maybe this  is rational, maybe it is not...but I feel like when I am anxious, I need to up the faith a little or a lot.  I do have faith and trust in God.  Sometimes I just cannot control those anxious feelings and it leaves me frustrated with myself. I never had to deal with anxiety before Eli.  Sure, I had moments where I got in a tizzy about things that were going on.  I am talking about daily anxiety.  Anxiety that reaches you to the core and shakes you up. I have had my fair share of it in the last (almost) two years. When we found out that Eli had Potter's it all began.  I had just about gotten past the worst of it when we found out we were pregnant with Amelia.  Then it just started all over again. I literally was anxious complete with racing heart, palpitations, and sleeplessness until we had our level II scan with Amelia. 

So today the anxiety is not as bad and does not overcome me like it used to.  It is not a daily experience but I do still battle it on occasions. We were talking about needing to be in control of situations in Sunday school, Sunday morning and how losing control causes anxiety.  It made me stop and wonder.  First of all, I know that everyone has struggles and sometimes those struggles lend way to anxiety.  But I wonder what would happen if instead of losing control of situations, we handed control over to God first.  It is so hard to ask for help isn't it? I struggle so much with this.  I don't want to be a bother even to God.  Am I the only one who has this struggle?  Am I the only one that gets frustrated by anxiety? Am I the only one who can not control anxiety? 
This is where fear and faith collide...in my life at least.

Much love,

A Nutshell

I am just feeling reflective tonight.  In a month or so Lucie Rose will be 4 and Jay will be 10.  Ten...my how the years have flown. How do I have a ten year old?

Jay
He loves to talk.  He is an old soul.  He'd often times rather talk with adults than children.  He is super smart and never forgets anything. Jamie was reading to them the other night and a "big" word came up.  Jamie asked them if they knew what it meant and Jay popped out with a literal dictionary definition of the word.  It was evidently one of his Wordly Wise words during the school year.  He remembered it and quoted it verbatim. The boy can talk.  He talks all of the time to anyone who will listen or act like they are listening.  I love him to pieces. He is so loving and sweet. He can not stand to hurt any one's feelings. If he gets hurt, he just deals with it and goes on with his business.  Everything rolls off of his back so to speak.  He lets very little bother him.  I wish I was more like that. Did I mention that the boy loves to talk? He does.  I think he would talk to the wall if he remotely thought it would listen.  He has preacher potential...or politician potential (Although, I hope he stays away from politics.)...or salesman potential. He is a good kid. I love him so!

Cooper
Stubborn, stubborn, and more stubborn. When Coop digs his heals in, you'd better brace yourself for a battle of wills. He is a huge Mama's boy. It melts my heart!  He would never in this lifetime admit it, but he tries to be like his daddy quite often. He is in that in between stage of boy and tween. He still likes to play dress up and pretend.  Just today he was a cowboy.  He still plays with his toy tractors and trucks in the yard. He would never admit it to other boys his age though.  He is a very smart boy.  He is an excellent and easy student unless he decides he does not want to complete an assignment. Then he digs his heals in.  I dig mine in further. I am quick to tell him that you can not out stubborn Mama! Man, I love him! If I had a shy child, it would be Cooper, at least until he gets to know you. He loves to draw and is pretty good at it too.  He loves to draw heavy equipment like tractors, eighteen wheelers, bulldozers and such. He makes my heart smile big!

Lucie Rose
Where to begin with this little drama queen.  Just last night when Jamie was dressing her for bed, she decided she did not want to wear what he had picked out.  She and Jamie went back and forth a little while and then Jamie said, " Lucie, this is what you are wearing and that is final, so no more arguing." About a minute later she started again and before Jamie could scold her, she stopped Jamie with a smile upon her face and said, "Daddy, I'm just acting." That story personifies sweet Lucie Rose. She loves to act and pretend.  She puts on her tutu or play dress to perform for us daily.  I love her "plays" as she calls them.  She is all girl with a little fight in her.  How could she not have fight?  She has two very rough and tumble brothers. She loves shoes and purses and is very opinionated about what she wears in one breath and then she is putting her brothers in their place in the next breath.  She is a total and complete daddy's girl. She thinks her daddy can walk on water. She can say some of the darnedest things sometimes.  I just do not know where she gets it? She is my prissy little thing and I love her so very much.

Eli
He was a true gift from God.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  My arms still ache for him. I wanted to know him and to show him how much I love him. He was so beautiful. I am sure he would be running around and talking by now. I wish that I could picture what life would be like if he were still here. I can't...it hurts not to be able to imagine his place as a toddler. All of my children have been so different and I'm sure he would have been his own little unique person.  His timeline would have been his, so I cannot even gauge "where he would be" right now.  I love him, love him, love him nonetheless.

Amelia
She is laid back and even tempered.  She is both a mama and daddy's girl. She is so precious.  She eats good and sleeps good.  She is very quick to smile and what a smile it is! It melts me to see those huge hazel eyes light up and that sweet grin to form on her lips. She is in every way a great baby! When I was pregnant with her, my grandmother told me that while she would never replace Eli, Amelia would be a balm to soothe our souls.  That has proven true in many ways. I love having a baby in the house again. I love watching her learn new things and show us her tricks. She is reaching now and trying to figure out how to hold things.  She just cannot quite figure out how to make those hands cooperate like she wants to.  It is so neat to see her trying to figure it all out.  I love being a part of that. We are all just smitten with her. I love her from the top of her tiny little bald head to the tip of her itsy bitsy little toes.

That in a nutshell is our family.  Jamie and I have learned so much from these children God has blessed us with.  I never knew the extent of a parents love before.  I would sacrifice every single thing just for them. I can't even remember what life was like before them.  It is as if they have always been and always will be.

Much love,

The Fourth in Photos

I have not done very many photo blogs but this time the pictures just speak for themselves. We made a weekend out of the fourth and had a great time with wonderful family and friends. So, I thought I'd share our weekend in a Photo blog. I hope you enjoy!

  

Jamie and Jay about to take the "wave runner" for a spin. Folks this is not a jet ski, right Opa?

Cooper after a ride. He's toting around the wind blown look!

Faceless person here to be left unnamed for fear everyone will want her autograph.  I will tell you she is one of four beautiful girls I call niece!

Jamie and Amelia.  She is not diggin' the water.

Still not diggin' it AT.ALL!

Jay tubing!

Lucie Rose is my little water bug! Much unlike her mama who does not dig water in which she can not see the bottom. Therefore, I will take photos of everyone else enjoying it! I had fun too!

Not too much cuter than a naked baby! She was hot.

Now this is my kinda water.  I know what is at the bottom. Amelia is likin' it pretty well also.

My super duper Cooper!

I LOVE those goggles.  They crack me up.

Splish, splash I was taking a bath in my itsy bitsy yellow polka dot (not) bikini.

Running man in reverse off the diving board.

I LOVE this picture of "D Baby" about to belly flop! He is so darn cute!

She loves cake (which is just icing).

Will it make the mouth????? You Bet!

Is she not just delicious!

The goggles again just because I needed to laugh again!

I love the sun reflecting off of the water here...

and here...

LR and "D Baby" having a snack before the fireworks.

This is what my camera flash does to her. Could those eyes get any bigger? Could she get any more adorable? You bet not!

...and they begin...

...and he loved them

...and so did I!

Them...not so much!

Me...I think they are great!

She does too! She was glued to them.

I hope everyone had a very blessed 4th.

Much love,

A God Send!

I have a story to tell you tonight.  A story about how God puts you where you belong for certain times in your life and allows you to be where you are needed...

A couple of weeks before Eli was born my mama told me about a "girl" (my mama's word) in our small town who was pregnant with a baby who also was having kidney issues.  How could that be? We live in small town USA and that was just unfathomable.  This sweet mama lived on the same street as a friend of mine.  I asked my friend and sure enough...it was true.  The situation for our babies was completely different.  Her son had a blockage that would not allow the fluid to flow through like it should. There were procedures that could be done to correct this though and there was hope that they would bring their son home.  I asked my friend to set up a meeting between us and she did.  We were supposed to get together February 15th but could not because we had snow the week before and she had to make up a missed appointment with her doctor.  We decided to meet on a later date...
Thursday of that week this precious mama went into labor and gave birth to her son, William.  William went to heaven that day...
Sunday, I went into labor and gave birth to my son, Eli.  Eli went to heaven that day...
I had no idea that William had been born and died until the following week.  The day before Eli's funeral, I finally got to talk to William's mommy on the phone.  We talked about our sons and decided to meet sometime the next week. 

Eli was born and died right in the middle of tax season, which is Jamie's super busy time at work since he is a CPA.  Jamie was able to take off one week and one day to be home.  He felt so torn during that time.  He knew he was needed at work, but he also knew he was need more at home and you know...he needed to be able to grieve his son.  His work was just wonderful about this.  They told him to do whatever he needed to do and not worry about work.  He still felt torn...that's just Jamie. So, the Tuesday after Eli's service Jamie decided to return to work for partial days. 
I'll never forget that morning as long as I live...
When Jamie left to take the kiddos to school and go to work, I melted into a puddle in our laundry room.  I felt more lonely than I ever in my life had felt. I felt weak, vulnerable, and just downright awful. I cried like it was the first time I had ever cried.  It was ugly. Jamie called to check on me and I tried with all of my might to be brave and not let him know how terrible I was doing.  I didn't hide much from him.  He called my mama. She called me. I couldn't hold it together anymore. She told me to get a bath and get dressed.  She was coming to get me and take me to work with her.  She owns a tearoom here in town and I could sit in the kitchen or help out or whatever I needed to do.  I told her I was not up to going anywhere.  She told me I didn't have a choice because she was on her way and I'd better be ready.  She totally pulled the "I am you mother and you will do what I say even if your are 36" card on me. I am thankful that she did!
In the midst of all this, my new friend Christi called me.  We decided to get together for lunch that day.  She was going to come up to my mama's place and we would finally meet.  I knew her when she walked in and we embraced like old friends reuniting. We were both in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. My mama set up one of the dining rooms for us and we sat for hours talking about our boys...our pregnancy... their memorial services.  We talked, we cried, we shared and thus a beautiful friendship...sisterhood was born. 
Our situations were so much alike.  We both had unexpectedly gone into labor and had to be rushed to Montgomery.  We both had emergency c-sections and were put to sleep. We both had beautiful baby boys that I know are playing together in Heaven as I type. I love my friend!
This past year and four months has been more like years.  My sweet friend is moving this week. I am sad...
She gets it...When it was fresh for me...it was fresh for her. We took turns drawing strength from each other.
She is now pregnant with her rainbow baby.  I am beyond happy for her. I am so sad that she will be so far away and I will miss so much with this sweet baby! I so wish that Amelia and her little guy could grow up together.
I'm not good with change.  I'm worse with goodbye.  Christi's hubbie is military so I knew this was coming.  I have just put it out of my mind.  I didn't want to think about it.  It's here now and I am sad!
I know without a doubt that God put them in small town USA for a reason.  He knew what they would face while living here.  He knew that we would need each other.  Not to mention the fact that she has a precious little girl that Lucie Rose adores.
I have not blogged about my friend before because William's story is hers to tell and I did not want to infringe on that.  However, I do feel that William's and Eli's stories are intertwined in a way.  I guess that is how I want to say it...I feel like our boys are at the root of our friendship.
We had a going away party/baby shower this past week for my precious friend and her family. It rained...Then this happened...

Yep, that's a double rainbow. Total God wink!

I am going to miss you like crazy my sweet friend! Good luck and Godspeed!

Much love,