Here we are...It is that time of year again. In the south this day is as big as Christmas...almost. The first weekend of college football. To kick off this weekend, Facing the Giants was on television last night. I have not watched that movie in a while and frankly, the first time I watched it, I was in a very different place than I am now. I was deep, deep down in grief the first time I watched it. Last night I was so, so tired and then Jamie found that movie. As tired as I was, I couldn't not watch it again.
One of the single most profound scenes in that movie spoke volumes to me last night. Coach Taylor is down and out. His team is down and out. His assistants are down and out. The team parents are down and out. Everyone is hopeless. They know their team stinks. They know they are not capable of winning. They know even God can not use them. They are in the valley and their spirits are broken. They know there really is just no point whatsoever in trying. Why bother? It will only end in disappointment.
Don't you ever just get tired of disappointment? I do. I've been here. I've been ready to throw in the towel.
So one day at practice, the team leader said what no one else on the team was willing to admit even though they all felt it. Brock looked at Coach Taylor and said, "What's the point? Were going to get beat anyway." Talk about turning points...This was it. Coach Taylor got Brock up and challenged him to prove his leadership skills. After a long grueling practice he challenged him to go even further and do the death crawl. Now this is basically where you are back to back with another teammate. They are on your back and you are carrying them. The hard part is that you have to carry them using your arms and legs. The majority of the weight is on your arms. Coach Taylor wanted Brock to go 50 yards doing this. Brock tried to negotiate to 30 but settled for 50. He dejectedly told the coach that he could do it without the extra weight, but did not think he could get there with his teammate. Coach Taylor tells him he thinks he can. He believes in him. Then he throws another curve at Brock. Really, another curve? How much more is he going to ask of this boy? After all he is tired from normal practice and now his coach wants more from him. Coach Taylor KNOWS he can do it. So, he blindfolds Brock, tells his teammate to get on his back and off Brock goes. Death crawling. It's hard...It hurts...It is not what he wants to be doing...He's pushing on...It burns...His arms want to give out. Coach Taylor is right there, urging him on. He is yelling and screaming at him to give him more...You can do it. Give me more...more...more. Keep going. Don't give up. You can do this...dig...push yourself...don't give up. In his ear the entire time. Lord, it hurts...I can't...yes you can...just a few more yards...I'm not going to make it...this is too hard...why am I having to do this...Keep going...don't give up...your almost there...NO, don't quit...do it for the team...do it for me...do it for yourself...you can't stop...I have to stop...it hurts...I can't take the pain...it hurts too much...I know it hurts but you have to finish...you have to go on...just a few more steps...your almost there...three more steps...two more...one...your there. You can stop. Take your blindfold off. And when Brock took off his blindfold...He had death crawled the entire football field. His teammates were in awe. They could not believe what he had just done.
It's a lot like that for us you know. When life hurts too much, when we are doing the death crawl...when God throws us a challenge and curve ball to boot. He is there the entire time. He never leaves us. He pushes us, carries us, makes us move forward and with God by our side...we go so much further than we ever could have imagined.
Coach Taylor needed a team leader. Someone to push the team forward. But he had to show Brock that he had it in him to press on when he didn't think he could. He had to make Brock prove himself to himself. He didn't need to prove it to the team. He just needed to know for himself that he could do it.
I had my eyes closed when this scene began but before it was over I was completely awake and drawn in. I wanted so badly for Brock to run the death crawl to the end. But then I realized that sometimes you have to crawl. It's slower and prolongs the pain...but you have to crawl. Had he ran, considering he was already tired, he would have at the very least stumbled and more than likely fallen. He would have failed. So he took his time, endured the pain, accepted his coach's encouragement and won the challenge. I'd bet his first instinct was to get it over as quickly as possible, like taking bad tasting medicine.
I fully believe that there are times in our lives when we have to be still and know God. He whispers in a small still voice. But, I also believe that there are times in our lives that like Coach Taylor, God is yelling, screaming, pushing, pulling, He is in our ear loud and clear. There is no doubt He has our back. In the last eighteen months I have experience both of those. When I was doing the death crawl, I could hear Him as if He were right by my side. Then when I was on His back, I had to be very still to hear him.
Where are you right now? Can you hear him?
I'll leave you with my favorite quote from Facing the Giants.
Lord, when we win, we will praise you. When we lose, we will praise you.
Roll Tide and much love today,
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Where in the World is Carmen San Diago
Updated: My sweet, adorable, puppy-like (when he is sick), wonderful, incredible, fearless, hungry, dimpley, long fingery, longer toey, always patient, kind, thoughtful husband just informed me that my post title made no sense. Well it made perfect sense when I posted it. Still does.....sorta. "My point," I informed him, "was to tell where we had been and what we had been up to." I can see why HE might have gotten confused though. I don't always make sense. In fact, I told someone last night that my new baby was a boy. What the Whaaaattt?
Or the Hill's if you don't mind, thank you...
This past weekend Jamie, Amelia, and I had the amazing pleasure of seeing Selah in concert and Angie Smith speak. Jamie and I have loved Selah from the beginning. They are so dynamic. I was heart broken when Nicole decided to leave to stike out on her own. She, her brother (Todd Smith) and Allan Hall all complimented each other so well. I actually told Jamie that I was not going to listen to them anymore...sigh. Then I heard the "girl" that took Nicole's place sing. I was wrong in thinking that it couldn't get any better. Amy Perry wowed me from the beginning. Each of the members of Selah have their own unique sound and those sounds combine to make one amazingly talented group. I love to hear them and could listen to their music all day.
Most people know that Angie and Todd lost a baby girl just after she was born. If you have not read Audrey's story you can read it here. Angie is a just as dynamic a writer and speaker as Selah is a musical group. I have heard her story and read it several times, but hearing it in person was...it was...just wow. She made me laugh. She made me cry. She made me stop and think. She took me back to similar moments that we have experienced.
We had the even more wonderful pleasure of meeting Angie and the members of Selah after the benefit was over. They are just everyday ordinary real people who have chosen to allow themselves be used of God. And my oh my, how God is using them. He has given them talents and stories. He has given them all the necessary tools to work for His kingdom. I enjoyed taking a few minutes to talk with each of them. It was a tremendous blessing and neat experience for Jamie and I both.
If you love great music like I do, then you should at the very least check out Selah's website. Take a listen. I promise you will like what you hear.
Or the Hill's if you don't mind, thank you...
This past weekend Jamie, Amelia, and I had the amazing pleasure of seeing Selah in concert and Angie Smith speak. Jamie and I have loved Selah from the beginning. They are so dynamic. I was heart broken when Nicole decided to leave to stike out on her own. She, her brother (Todd Smith) and Allan Hall all complimented each other so well. I actually told Jamie that I was not going to listen to them anymore...sigh. Then I heard the "girl" that took Nicole's place sing. I was wrong in thinking that it couldn't get any better. Amy Perry wowed me from the beginning. Each of the members of Selah have their own unique sound and those sounds combine to make one amazingly talented group. I love to hear them and could listen to their music all day.
Most people know that Angie and Todd lost a baby girl just after she was born. If you have not read Audrey's story you can read it here. Angie is a just as dynamic a writer and speaker as Selah is a musical group. I have heard her story and read it several times, but hearing it in person was...it was...just wow. She made me laugh. She made me cry. She made me stop and think. She took me back to similar moments that we have experienced.
We had the even more wonderful pleasure of meeting Angie and the members of Selah after the benefit was over. They are just everyday ordinary real people who have chosen to allow themselves be used of God. And my oh my, how God is using them. He has given them talents and stories. He has given them all the necessary tools to work for His kingdom. I enjoyed taking a few minutes to talk with each of them. It was a tremendous blessing and neat experience for Jamie and I both.
If you love great music like I do, then you should at the very least check out Selah's website. Take a listen. I promise you will like what you hear.
Much love,
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
She Danced
As a baby she loved music. It made her smile...it made her laugh...it made her fling her tiny little hands and feet. She loved the "Dell song", Colbie Caillat, Fergie, and Louis Armstrong. She amazed me with her love of music and pure joy in moving to the rhythm.
As time has passed her love of music has only intensified and grown into a love of performing. Her performances are private and impromptu. She will slip into her tutu and proclaim she has a play. A sponge could not soak up more than she does when someone else is dancing. She watches with utter joy and longing. She imitates and mimics the movements that she sees. When she is sure no one is watching she twirls and swirls with abandon. She reminds me of a delicate butterfly dancing on the wind. She is so sure that she is a ballerina like none other. Her beauty in these moments is pure. Her joy overflows as her audience scream out of control...her audience of thousands...an audience only she can imagine.
It is my prayer that she continues to dance, but that
O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!
Five seconds later, she is laughing wildly at herself as she realizes she has mastered the art of arm pit pooting. I am left to wonder as she runs off to show "her boys" that they have taught her well!
Much love,
As time has passed her love of music has only intensified and grown into a love of performing. Her performances are private and impromptu. She will slip into her tutu and proclaim she has a play. A sponge could not soak up more than she does when someone else is dancing. She watches with utter joy and longing. She imitates and mimics the movements that she sees. When she is sure no one is watching she twirls and swirls with abandon. She reminds me of a delicate butterfly dancing on the wind. She is so sure that she is a ballerina like none other. Her beauty in these moments is pure. Her joy overflows as her audience scream out of control...her audience of thousands...an audience only she can imagine.
It is my prayer that she continues to dance, but that
O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!
Much love,
Monday, August 22, 2011
Journey to the outer edges...
I have been out of commission this past week. We have been on vacation in beautiful Fort Morgan, Alabama. There was no internet service and very little cell phone service. We were living life like in the good ole days...no interruptions, no distractions. It actually was really great. We left Sunday morning headed out. Whew, I never realized how much it takes to travel with four children. Our vehicle was loaded to the max and even more. We were psyched about getting away for a few days for sure!
Of all of the places on earth, the beach is my favorite and it is hard to compete with the beaches on the Gulf Coast. I know that there has to be beaches in Heaven. It is such a serene and peaceful place. The waves crashing, the sea breeze, the smell, the bright sunshine...it is all a lull. I love to read on the beach. I love to think on the beach. I love to play with my kiddos on the beach. I love to wander around in the ocean and find various kinds sea life. I don't love sea weed, which was in abundance this year. It taints the smell of the beach and tangles in your feet and legs. It however did not stop us too much. Once you got past it, the water was crystal clear and so refreshing. We chased fish and fish chased us. There were even sting rays and jelly fish...Those we did not chase. Jamie and Jay both got stung by a sting ray. Those little boogers hide in the sand and unless you are really looking, can't be seen.
We had a very relaxing and uneventful week until Friday morning, when Cooper decided to slip and fall thus busting his eyebrow open. It required six stitches. He slipped out of a chair and hit his head on a glass top table. I knew when I heard the hit that we were in trouble. I didn't want to go look but knew I had to. Sure wish I had just let Jamie look. I got a little woozy there for a minute. Jamie scooped him up and we jumped in the car immediately. Thank God Rachel, Josh, and my mom were there. The stayed with the other kiddos. Fort Morgan is an awesome place. That being said, It is 20-25 miles outside of everywhere. The closest doctor is about a 25-30 minute drive. We made it in less than 15 minutes. Coop gave us quite a scare. He started throwing up and trying to go to sleep on the way to the doctor. It was just his body's way of dealing with his injury and nothing more though. We took him to an urgent care facility and they got him back immediately. His stubbornness kicked into overdrive when they tried to stitch him up. There were three nurses and Jamie and myself holding him down and all of this after he broke free from the papoose. The PA that stitched him was wonderful and so patient. She trained with a plastic surgeon and pretty much assured us that Cooper would have little to no scar. That is pretty incredible considering the gaping wound I had to turn away from several times. We were in and out of the doctor's office really quick and then took Cooper to get a toy to play with since he could no longer submerge his head in the ocean or pool.
Friday was also Jay's 10th birthday. We took him to the Hangout Friday night for his birthday. What a cool place that was. Jay really enjoyed his birthday after our rough start.
Saturday was leaving day and while I was glad to be going home, I was sad to leave. We made it home between 1:30 and 2:00 am Sunday morning. Yesterday was all about resting and getting ready for our first day of school today.
So as the journey of vacation and summer comes to a close, the journey of our second year of homeschooling begins.
Of all of the places on earth, the beach is my favorite and it is hard to compete with the beaches on the Gulf Coast. I know that there has to be beaches in Heaven. It is such a serene and peaceful place. The waves crashing, the sea breeze, the smell, the bright sunshine...it is all a lull. I love to read on the beach. I love to think on the beach. I love to play with my kiddos on the beach. I love to wander around in the ocean and find various kinds sea life. I don't love sea weed, which was in abundance this year. It taints the smell of the beach and tangles in your feet and legs. It however did not stop us too much. Once you got past it, the water was crystal clear and so refreshing. We chased fish and fish chased us. There were even sting rays and jelly fish...Those we did not chase. Jamie and Jay both got stung by a sting ray. Those little boogers hide in the sand and unless you are really looking, can't be seen.
We had a very relaxing and uneventful week until Friday morning, when Cooper decided to slip and fall thus busting his eyebrow open. It required six stitches. He slipped out of a chair and hit his head on a glass top table. I knew when I heard the hit that we were in trouble. I didn't want to go look but knew I had to. Sure wish I had just let Jamie look. I got a little woozy there for a minute. Jamie scooped him up and we jumped in the car immediately. Thank God Rachel, Josh, and my mom were there. The stayed with the other kiddos. Fort Morgan is an awesome place. That being said, It is 20-25 miles outside of everywhere. The closest doctor is about a 25-30 minute drive. We made it in less than 15 minutes. Coop gave us quite a scare. He started throwing up and trying to go to sleep on the way to the doctor. It was just his body's way of dealing with his injury and nothing more though. We took him to an urgent care facility and they got him back immediately. His stubbornness kicked into overdrive when they tried to stitch him up. There were three nurses and Jamie and myself holding him down and all of this after he broke free from the papoose. The PA that stitched him was wonderful and so patient. She trained with a plastic surgeon and pretty much assured us that Cooper would have little to no scar. That is pretty incredible considering the gaping wound I had to turn away from several times. We were in and out of the doctor's office really quick and then took Cooper to get a toy to play with since he could no longer submerge his head in the ocean or pool.
Friday was also Jay's 10th birthday. We took him to the Hangout Friday night for his birthday. What a cool place that was. Jay really enjoyed his birthday after our rough start.
Saturday was leaving day and while I was glad to be going home, I was sad to leave. We made it home between 1:30 and 2:00 am Sunday morning. Yesterday was all about resting and getting ready for our first day of school today.
So as the journey of vacation and summer comes to a close, the journey of our second year of homeschooling begins.
Much love,
Thursday, August 11, 2011
One Sweet Day
...the Lord will call me home and when he does, I will find perfect love. Until that day, I will continue on the journey He has set me on. As much as I love my husband and children and as much as I would like to think of that love as perfect... It is not. There is only one capable of delivering that type of love...Our Heavenly Father.
I began blogging when my sweet baby Eli was alive and well in my belly. When we found out he had Potter's Syndrome our world changed. I blogged to keep those that were praying for us informed. Somewhere along the way this became my journal...a place for me to come and spill my heart. I prayed if my words or experience could help anyone else walking this difficult path, that God would allow that. I prayed that in journaling what was on my heart, God would help those words flow in a manner that would uplift Him. Then after Eli died, this became my healing place. I met some wonderful, amazing women who also laid their hearts out in the form of a blog. I put my thoughts down and analyzed them. This has been a very cathardic place for me.
This journey that I am on is ever changing. As much as I fought healing from the death of my child...it has crept in. I didn't want it too. I was afraid that if I healed, I would forget Eli. That is not the case. I will never forget Eli and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that everyday brings more healing. I'll be honest with you. This morning was pretty tough for me but not all mornings are like that anymore. I love my son with the same intensity today that I did eighteen months ago. That will not ever change. I miss my son more and more everyday. That will not ever change. But, God has brought happiness into my heart again and the total numbness that I once experienced has lessened. While Amelia will never replace Eli, God knew I needed her to bring some of the feeling back into my broken heart. So despite my best efforts, I am healing.
I have been thinking for a few months now about updating my blog and giving it a new look. I want to put the focus of my blog on the journey...on daily life now that our path has changed. I even surfed around and tried to figure out what I wanted it to look like and became completely overwhelmed. Then a few weeks back my friend Mattie held an online auction. One of the items in the auction up for bid was a custom blog redesign. I bid on it not thinking that I would ever get it but I did. I was excited about having the winning bid but still did not know what I wanted. Becky From Adopt African Digital Designs contacted me and we emailed back and forth about things that I liked and wanted. My main wish really was that she have fun with my custom blog and I also told her that I wanted something cheerful. Tonight Becky finished putting my blog together. I LOVE IT! It is so much more than I ever imagined and she got it done way faster than I expected. She did an amazing job. Thank you so much Becky! You Rock!
I began blogging when my sweet baby Eli was alive and well in my belly. When we found out he had Potter's Syndrome our world changed. I blogged to keep those that were praying for us informed. Somewhere along the way this became my journal...a place for me to come and spill my heart. I prayed if my words or experience could help anyone else walking this difficult path, that God would allow that. I prayed that in journaling what was on my heart, God would help those words flow in a manner that would uplift Him. Then after Eli died, this became my healing place. I met some wonderful, amazing women who also laid their hearts out in the form of a blog. I put my thoughts down and analyzed them. This has been a very cathardic place for me.
This journey that I am on is ever changing. As much as I fought healing from the death of my child...it has crept in. I didn't want it too. I was afraid that if I healed, I would forget Eli. That is not the case. I will never forget Eli and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that everyday brings more healing. I'll be honest with you. This morning was pretty tough for me but not all mornings are like that anymore. I love my son with the same intensity today that I did eighteen months ago. That will not ever change. I miss my son more and more everyday. That will not ever change. But, God has brought happiness into my heart again and the total numbness that I once experienced has lessened. While Amelia will never replace Eli, God knew I needed her to bring some of the feeling back into my broken heart. So despite my best efforts, I am healing.
I have been thinking for a few months now about updating my blog and giving it a new look. I want to put the focus of my blog on the journey...on daily life now that our path has changed. I even surfed around and tried to figure out what I wanted it to look like and became completely overwhelmed. Then a few weeks back my friend Mattie held an online auction. One of the items in the auction up for bid was a custom blog redesign. I bid on it not thinking that I would ever get it but I did. I was excited about having the winning bid but still did not know what I wanted. Becky From Adopt African Digital Designs contacted me and we emailed back and forth about things that I liked and wanted. My main wish really was that she have fun with my custom blog and I also told her that I wanted something cheerful. Tonight Becky finished putting my blog together. I LOVE IT! It is so much more than I ever imagined and she got it done way faster than I expected. She did an amazing job. Thank you so much Becky! You Rock!
So now my sweet friends...The journey continues...
Much love,
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sometimes...Always
Sometimes it is a song...
Sometimes it is a smell...
Sometimes it is a place...
Sometimes it is just random...
It takes me right back to where I was 18 months ago. I get a lump in my throat, a tightening in my chest, and I feel like I did then.
This morning it was the song on my blog and it just snowballed from there. I usually have the volume turned off or down really low on my computer but today it was turned up. When the song came on, I wanted to turn it off because I knew what would happen, but I was drawn in like a moth to a flame. Then, while getting dressed this morning I put on my deodorant, of all things, and that scent is the one I used when he was born. This is the first time that I have bought that particular scent since. That was all it took and I was in those moments again. The tears came and I willed them away...they came again and I told myself I didn't have time right then for a flood of tears. After all, I had just finished my make-up. I had somewhere to be... the tears subsided...the lump didn't go away.
Sometimes it is just so intense...
Always he is on my mind and in my heart!
Much love,
Sometimes it is a smell...
Sometimes it is a place...
Sometimes it is just random...
It takes me right back to where I was 18 months ago. I get a lump in my throat, a tightening in my chest, and I feel like I did then.
This morning it was the song on my blog and it just snowballed from there. I usually have the volume turned off or down really low on my computer but today it was turned up. When the song came on, I wanted to turn it off because I knew what would happen, but I was drawn in like a moth to a flame. Then, while getting dressed this morning I put on my deodorant, of all things, and that scent is the one I used when he was born. This is the first time that I have bought that particular scent since. That was all it took and I was in those moments again. The tears came and I willed them away...they came again and I told myself I didn't have time right then for a flood of tears. After all, I had just finished my make-up. I had somewhere to be... the tears subsided...the lump didn't go away.
Sometimes it is just so intense...
Always he is on my mind and in my heart!
Much love,
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Where's the Well?
I'm gonna brag a little bit. I have four very incredible nieces. LeAnn, Katie, Rachel, and Joy are their names. They belong to my wonderful Sister-in-law, Tina and Brother-in-law, Ryan. They truly are amazing young ladies. This past Saturday night we went to a performance that all four of them and Tina were in. The title of the play was Found at the Well. It was just simply fantastic. It basically chronicled three women in the bible that found their mates at the well and married, then the woman that met Jesus at the well. The entire cast did a terrific job but I have to say my nieces rocked the show, and Tina too.
I am here to tell you, the well used to be "the" hangout, didn't it? Were it not for the modern convenience of running water, which I am SO thankful for, I'd say it might be kinda cool to have a town well. I can just imagine the married women gathering around the well to have some adult conversation while the smaller children were running around playing. Then, I can imagine the younger, unmarried ladies chatting about who the cutest fella around town might have been. Maybe a little harmless flirting occurred from time to time between the young ladies and young men. All of this in the name of drawing water for the family or animals.
This all made me think about how cool it would have been if I'd have met Jamie at "the well". Then again, I'd miss the modern convenience of running water. How cool would it be to gather every morning to chit chat with peers? I can see myself drawing water for my family, my hair blowing in the wind, and chivalrous Jamie coming to drawing the water for me...sweeping me off my feet (while the water vessel falls to the ground spilling the family water.)
I guess it could have worked out that my father went to the well to find a husband for me. That is one scary thought. Let's not go there.
What if while at the well, I met Jesus! Now that is a humbling thought. Then again shouldn't we meet Jesus everyday?
I wish that everyone could have seen my sweet nieces and sister-in-law in the play. It was really terrific!
Much love,
 |
| Katie |
 |
| LeAnn and Rachel |
 |
| Joy |
 |
| Tina |
I am here to tell you, the well used to be "the" hangout, didn't it? Were it not for the modern convenience of running water, which I am SO thankful for, I'd say it might be kinda cool to have a town well. I can just imagine the married women gathering around the well to have some adult conversation while the smaller children were running around playing. Then, I can imagine the younger, unmarried ladies chatting about who the cutest fella around town might have been. Maybe a little harmless flirting occurred from time to time between the young ladies and young men. All of this in the name of drawing water for the family or animals.
This all made me think about how cool it would have been if I'd have met Jamie at "the well". Then again, I'd miss the modern convenience of running water. How cool would it be to gather every morning to chit chat with peers? I can see myself drawing water for my family, my hair blowing in the wind, and chivalrous Jamie coming to drawing the water for me...sweeping me off my feet (while the water vessel falls to the ground spilling the family water.)
I guess it could have worked out that my father went to the well to find a husband for me. That is one scary thought. Let's not go there.
What if while at the well, I met Jesus! Now that is a humbling thought. Then again shouldn't we meet Jesus everyday?
I wish that everyone could have seen my sweet nieces and sister-in-law in the play. It was really terrific!
Much love,
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