Occasionally, I like to look back through my blog to see what I was feeling at a particular moment. In looking back, I found a common idea in several, if not the majority, of my blog posts.
Prayer.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER.
I want to share with you one of the most sacred moments of prayer I have ever experienced. On December 18, 2009 an amazing group of people came together to pray for my son. This was the last day of school before Christmas. This is one of those days that I will never forget. We had only known about my sweet Eli for a couple of weeks during this time. The wounds were still raw and open. We were trying to figure out how we would live without this little life I was growing in my belly. We had no idea what we were in for. We had no idea the bittersweet blessing that carrying to term would be. We determined to make the most out of every second with Eli. We were praying and hoping for a miracle healing. All the while, others determined to pray for us as well. There were so many praying. It is almost overwhelming to think about. There were a group of women that I worked with that decided to hold a weekly prayer time for Eli. They posted verses and updates on the prayer board in the copy room. They are more of a blessing to me than they will ever know. On December 18, we had the first of these special times of prayer. That time was almost indescribable. When I walked into that classroom, there were so many people there. Fellow teachers, my principals, office staff, lunchroom staff, support staff...they were all there. We gathered in a circle, with me in the center and they placed there hands on me. Those that could not placed their hands on someone else and we prayed. I lost my composure and sobbed. A public school was completely united in prayer. God was present in that classroom. So many took their turn to pray and each and everyone of those prayers means so much to me...as much to me now as they did then. There was nothing in that room during those moments but God and ernest pleas from a wonderful group of people. God's promise is, 20For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. That verse can be found in Matthew chapter 18. That day is just one of those days in a persons life that will be forever etched in my mind and heart. God was present that day because we gathered in His name.
You know, He did not answer our prayers exactly like we asked them, but He did answer them.
Oh what a sweet hour of prayer can do...
Much love,
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Listen, listen
My sister, Rachel and her husband Josh came over Saturday night to watch a little college football with us. We were kind of reminiscing about being at home with my dad when we were younger. It is so funny to think about those times. I remember when he would be watching television, his favorite phrase was "Listen, listen." He would say this, oh I don't know, maybe every five minutes. In fact he said listen so much, that I am not sure he heard any of what he was watching because of his own talking. We were sort of a loud family. Well, maybe we still are...this reminiscence was brought on by Jamie getting frustrated over our talking. Anyhow...
Do you ever feel like God is telling you to listen? Are there ever times in your life where He is trying to speak to you and you miss it the first time and even the second time. I have had that experience today. I am going to tell you a story and it may take a bit, but just hang on. I promise there is a point in here somewhere.
In our six o'clock, Sunday night bible study at church we are going through Isaiah. My dad is actually leading the study. He is doing a great job, but I will tell you that is a tough book of the bible. Well last night we were studying chapter 60 and for some reason, Isaiah 60:19 really stood out to me. I did not think much of it at the time. Here is what that verse says.
19The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory.
This verse is prophecy of what will be in the millennial kingdom.
Like I said, I did not think much about why this stood out to me. We came home, ate dinner, got everyone settle for the night and went to bed. Then today we were working in our science book during our last lesson of the day and well, there it was again. We are studying the sun and the brightness of the sun. Our lesson went on to display this verse and another one I will share in a little bit. It explained that as bright as the sun is, the Son is even brighter and that there would be a day that we would rely on the Son for our light.
Now, this is where it gets really interesting. Our lesson also referenced Exodus 33-34. Here are portions of that passage.
Chapter 33
18And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.
19And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before thee; and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy.
20And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.
21And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:
22And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and I'll cover thee with my hand while I pass by:
23And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
Chapter 34
29And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.
30And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.
31And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.
32And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.
33And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.
34But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.
35And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.
This passage takes place when Moses went up into the mount for God to give him the commandments. Can you imagine what Moses and other thought when his face was glowing from having seen God from behind? I asked my boys this question during our lesson today and they really could not imagine it.
Imagine my surprise when I was staring at these verses again after having heard them last night. I thought alright Lord, "What are you telling me?"
Then if that is not loud enough, I logged on to Cynthia's blog today and she was talking about when she found out her sweet Olivia had a fatal diagnosis and how several people commented to her and others that she still was able to be a bright light and shine. I immediately came back to what God had been showing me today.
Alrighty Lord, Whatcha got for me??? What are you trying to show me. Honestly, I still am not sure why in less than 24 hours God has shown me this same thing three times, but I know I have to listen. I know He will make Himself known. I know without any doubt that He will fill in the blanks. I am not particularly good at being patient, but I know I need to be still and listen this time.
Tomorrow is the seven month mark for my sweet Eli. Maybe somehow this message is timely in that manner. I just do not know. I do know that seven months has both taken me further from my baby boy and brought me closer yet still. With each day that passes, I am one day closer to holding him again. I also know the the last few weeks here have been some very difficult weeks for us. God is working, of that I am sure. So, with that said, I will just rely on faith and allow God to show me His wonders in His time.
Much love,
Do you ever feel like God is telling you to listen? Are there ever times in your life where He is trying to speak to you and you miss it the first time and even the second time. I have had that experience today. I am going to tell you a story and it may take a bit, but just hang on. I promise there is a point in here somewhere.
In our six o'clock, Sunday night bible study at church we are going through Isaiah. My dad is actually leading the study. He is doing a great job, but I will tell you that is a tough book of the bible. Well last night we were studying chapter 60 and for some reason, Isaiah 60:19 really stood out to me. I did not think much of it at the time. Here is what that verse says.
19The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory.
This verse is prophecy of what will be in the millennial kingdom.
Like I said, I did not think much about why this stood out to me. We came home, ate dinner, got everyone settle for the night and went to bed. Then today we were working in our science book during our last lesson of the day and well, there it was again. We are studying the sun and the brightness of the sun. Our lesson went on to display this verse and another one I will share in a little bit. It explained that as bright as the sun is, the Son is even brighter and that there would be a day that we would rely on the Son for our light.
Now, this is where it gets really interesting. Our lesson also referenced Exodus 33-34. Here are portions of that passage.
Chapter 33
18And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.
19And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before thee; and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy.
20And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.
21And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:
22And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and I'll cover thee with my hand while I pass by:
23And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
Chapter 34
29And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him.
30And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him.
31And Moses called unto them; and Aaron and all the rulers of the congregation returned unto him: and Moses talked with them.
32And afterward all the children of Israel came nigh: and he gave them in commandment all that the LORD had spoken with him in mount Sinai.
33And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.
34But when Moses went in before the LORD to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.
35And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.
This passage takes place when Moses went up into the mount for God to give him the commandments. Can you imagine what Moses and other thought when his face was glowing from having seen God from behind? I asked my boys this question during our lesson today and they really could not imagine it.
Imagine my surprise when I was staring at these verses again after having heard them last night. I thought alright Lord, "What are you telling me?"
Then if that is not loud enough, I logged on to Cynthia's blog today and she was talking about when she found out her sweet Olivia had a fatal diagnosis and how several people commented to her and others that she still was able to be a bright light and shine. I immediately came back to what God had been showing me today.
Alrighty Lord, Whatcha got for me??? What are you trying to show me. Honestly, I still am not sure why in less than 24 hours God has shown me this same thing three times, but I know I have to listen. I know He will make Himself known. I know without any doubt that He will fill in the blanks. I am not particularly good at being patient, but I know I need to be still and listen this time.
Tomorrow is the seven month mark for my sweet Eli. Maybe somehow this message is timely in that manner. I just do not know. I do know that seven months has both taken me further from my baby boy and brought me closer yet still. With each day that passes, I am one day closer to holding him again. I also know the the last few weeks here have been some very difficult weeks for us. God is working, of that I am sure. So, with that said, I will just rely on faith and allow God to show me His wonders in His time.
Much love,
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Where were you?
It is a day that I am not likely to ever forget as long as I live. September 11, 2001, Jay was just three weeks old then and not sleeping much at night, so we slept in that morning. I even turned the phone ringer off so he would not be woken up. Jamie had quietly gotten ready for work that morning and allowed us to remain asleep. I kept thinking I heard the phone in the kitchen ringing but was not sure. Finally, I decided to turn the ringer on the phone in the bedroom. It occurred to me that something might be wrong with someone. Maybe a few seconds after turning the ringer on, Jamie, called to tell me that I had to get up and turn the television on. Of course, I asked why, and he just said, "Turn the TV on." I was not prepared for what I was about to see. I turned the television on just in time to see the first tower collapse. I held my three week old baby close the rest of that day and stared at the horrifying pictures of utter devastation.
The days following were days filled with disbelief, numbness of a country, prayer like I have rarely seen, and patriotism displayed like never before. I love this country that we live in. I was proud to be an American in those days and weeks following that day. I am always proud to be an American, just more proud those days.
History Channel has been running all day coverage of that horrific event. I have had it on most of the day and Jamie finally asked me, "Why are you watching this?" My answer was simple. I think we need to remember. As a country we have become complacent in our everyday lives. We need to be reminded of the tragedy of that day. The loved ones of those lost have daily reminders of that event. They will never "get over it". They live without every second of every day because hate exists.
This year, I realize as much as I miss my baby boy, there were parents nine years ago today that received the most devastating news of their lives. There were spouses, children, siblings, friends...all that had their hearts ripped out. There were firemen and policemen that will forever be haunted by those events. There were onlookers that saw others take their own lives to avoid being burned alive.
I will always remember that day.
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Much love,
The days following were days filled with disbelief, numbness of a country, prayer like I have rarely seen, and patriotism displayed like never before. I love this country that we live in. I was proud to be an American in those days and weeks following that day. I am always proud to be an American, just more proud those days.
History Channel has been running all day coverage of that horrific event. I have had it on most of the day and Jamie finally asked me, "Why are you watching this?" My answer was simple. I think we need to remember. As a country we have become complacent in our everyday lives. We need to be reminded of the tragedy of that day. The loved ones of those lost have daily reminders of that event. They will never "get over it". They live without every second of every day because hate exists.
This year, I realize as much as I miss my baby boy, there were parents nine years ago today that received the most devastating news of their lives. There were spouses, children, siblings, friends...all that had their hearts ripped out. There were firemen and policemen that will forever be haunted by those events. There were onlookers that saw others take their own lives to avoid being burned alive.
I will always remember that day.
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Much love,
Thursday, September 9, 2010
If I were a writer...
I'd say I had writers block, but I'm not, so I guess I don't. I'm just a girl (don't say it) who loves to come here and pour her feelings, mind, and heart out on paperless paper. It has been good for me to get it out this way. I do not want to be "that" person who every time you ask how they are, they go into a long spiel about whatever. So, when people ask, I say fine. Then, I come here and pour it all out.
There has been so much going on around here and we are just trying to adjust to the new schedule. We are also trying to do some much needed work around the house. I say we, really Jamie is doing the work and I am running interference with the kiddos while he works. He is doing a great job with all of these projects and I am trying really hard to be patient with the upheaval in the house. Just ask him, I have not complained one bit...well hardly any...alright maybe a little, but not much. I promise!
Homeschooling is still going great. We did a couple of end of chapter activities last week. In science, we made and an edible solar system. That was tons of fun. We used rice crispy treats to make the planets and sun, along with mini M&Ms and Twizzlers. Poor Cooper gave himself a stomach ache. We most definitely satisfied our sweet tooth last Thursday. Never have my kiddos has a more nutritious lunch! Then we had a Monk's meal for dinner last Thursday night. We were studying about when the monks first came to Britain and Saint Augustine. For dinner, we had split pea and ham soup with cheese, bread and pears. The boys helped me make the soup and we ate from wooden bowls. It was fun and quite tasty! Jamie even got to participate in this project. He enjoyed some of our edible solar system as well.
All the while, with everything going on, I constantly wonder where Eli would have fit in to this picture. What other adjustments would we be making if he were here. I can't seem to keep those nagging thoughts at bay. I know there is no point in thinking them, but they are there. I have also been battling some very intense fatigue the last week or so. So much so that it concerns me a bit.
That all being said, it has just been difficult to sit and wrap my mind around putting a blog post together. I love blogging and it has been wonderfully healing for me to have this outlet. I plan to continue blogging as long as I have a story to tell. I have just had a type of writer's block this last week or so that goes along with the insane tiredness I have been feeling. I am not kidding y'all. It has been kicking my hiney! I will leave you with a couple of pictures of our crazy fun school days and go to bed now.
Much love,
There has been so much going on around here and we are just trying to adjust to the new schedule. We are also trying to do some much needed work around the house. I say we, really Jamie is doing the work and I am running interference with the kiddos while he works. He is doing a great job with all of these projects and I am trying really hard to be patient with the upheaval in the house. Just ask him, I have not complained one bit...well hardly any...alright maybe a little, but not much. I promise!
Homeschooling is still going great. We did a couple of end of chapter activities last week. In science, we made and an edible solar system. That was tons of fun. We used rice crispy treats to make the planets and sun, along with mini M&Ms and Twizzlers. Poor Cooper gave himself a stomach ache. We most definitely satisfied our sweet tooth last Thursday. Never have my kiddos has a more nutritious lunch! Then we had a Monk's meal for dinner last Thursday night. We were studying about when the monks first came to Britain and Saint Augustine. For dinner, we had split pea and ham soup with cheese, bread and pears. The boys helped me make the soup and we ate from wooden bowls. It was fun and quite tasty! Jamie even got to participate in this project. He enjoyed some of our edible solar system as well.
All the while, with everything going on, I constantly wonder where Eli would have fit in to this picture. What other adjustments would we be making if he were here. I can't seem to keep those nagging thoughts at bay. I know there is no point in thinking them, but they are there. I have also been battling some very intense fatigue the last week or so. So much so that it concerns me a bit.
That all being said, it has just been difficult to sit and wrap my mind around putting a blog post together. I love blogging and it has been wonderfully healing for me to have this outlet. I plan to continue blogging as long as I have a story to tell. I have just had a type of writer's block this last week or so that goes along with the insane tiredness I have been feeling. I am not kidding y'all. It has been kicking my hiney! I will leave you with a couple of pictures of our crazy fun school days and go to bed now.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
The promise of release
The last few days here have been filled with promise.
Isn't everyday, really? Each and everyday is new. A new day brings with it the promise of a fresh start, the promise of one more moment to love, the promise of seeing that smile...hearing that laugh...a kiss...a hug...missing someone with more intensity that you could ever imagine...wishing you could kiss him...hug him...
So tomorrow when I wake up, will I have a fresh start...love one more moment...see that smile and hear that laugh...get or give a kiss or hug? Will I miss him to pieces? Will I wish I could kiss and hug him?
The promise of all of those things is there. Nothing is guaranteed, but there is a reason to hope for or expect these things, which in turn means that tomorrow has promise.
I live in the heart of the south. That means we enjoy HOT summer days and steamy summer nights. 105 in the shade with stifling humidity is the standard by which we have come to live. Most days it is just unbearable. I do not make the boys or even allow the boys to spend too much time outside without a rest and water break frequently. For those who work outside, summer here can be downright deadly if you do not heed a little common sense. Spring gives way to summer all too quick and those beautiful blooms that signify spring wilt and die under the intense heat. I truly love spring with its newness of life. The beautiful colors and crisp skies renew our spirits after a long, dreary winter. But Fall...Fall is my very favorite time of year. The promise of Fall is in the air and has been the last few days. The skies are not quite as hazy, there is a slight breeze, the temperatures have not been quite as oppressive, and the humidity has been down ever so slightly. The high temperature today was 90 and it was a relief. Fall offers the delightful promise of release from the oppression of summer. Just when I think I can not take it for one more day, the heat subsides ever so gently and in there lies the promise. The promise of release that I so long for by this time every year is a gradual process. Each day from here on out will bring something new...a gradual ease into cooler temperatures and lower humidity. There will be days that will seem to take us back to summer, when the humidity will be up and the temperature will creep back into the uncomfortable zone. Those days however, will be surrounded by that promise that seem to make them more bearable.
God does not promise us that life will be like spring and fall. He does not promise us that we will never have dreary winters and unbearable summer heat. He knows our threshhold and just when we cannot take it one more day, He ushers in fall and it's promise of release...
And college football.
Much love,
Isn't everyday, really? Each and everyday is new. A new day brings with it the promise of a fresh start, the promise of one more moment to love, the promise of seeing that smile...hearing that laugh...a kiss...a hug...missing someone with more intensity that you could ever imagine...wishing you could kiss him...hug him...
So tomorrow when I wake up, will I have a fresh start...love one more moment...see that smile and hear that laugh...get or give a kiss or hug? Will I miss him to pieces? Will I wish I could kiss and hug him?
The promise of all of those things is there. Nothing is guaranteed, but there is a reason to hope for or expect these things, which in turn means that tomorrow has promise.
I live in the heart of the south. That means we enjoy HOT summer days and steamy summer nights. 105 in the shade with stifling humidity is the standard by which we have come to live. Most days it is just unbearable. I do not make the boys or even allow the boys to spend too much time outside without a rest and water break frequently. For those who work outside, summer here can be downright deadly if you do not heed a little common sense. Spring gives way to summer all too quick and those beautiful blooms that signify spring wilt and die under the intense heat. I truly love spring with its newness of life. The beautiful colors and crisp skies renew our spirits after a long, dreary winter. But Fall...Fall is my very favorite time of year. The promise of Fall is in the air and has been the last few days. The skies are not quite as hazy, there is a slight breeze, the temperatures have not been quite as oppressive, and the humidity has been down ever so slightly. The high temperature today was 90 and it was a relief. Fall offers the delightful promise of release from the oppression of summer. Just when I think I can not take it for one more day, the heat subsides ever so gently and in there lies the promise. The promise of release that I so long for by this time every year is a gradual process. Each day from here on out will bring something new...a gradual ease into cooler temperatures and lower humidity. There will be days that will seem to take us back to summer, when the humidity will be up and the temperature will creep back into the uncomfortable zone. Those days however, will be surrounded by that promise that seem to make them more bearable.
God does not promise us that life will be like spring and fall. He does not promise us that we will never have dreary winters and unbearable summer heat. He knows our threshhold and just when we cannot take it one more day, He ushers in fall and it's promise of release...
And college football.
Much love,
Saturday, August 21, 2010
He Cried
I remember the day that we met with the funeral home director to plan Eli's funeral. He asked us that day if we wanted an audio recording of the service. We both thought that was an odd request and declined the offer. Why would we want to go back and listen to one of the most gut wrenching services of our lives? Now, I totally regret not allowing them to audio record the service. His service was one of the sweetest worship services I have ever been a part of. Jamie and I wanted it to be as close to a regular worship service as possible. We wanted congregational singing, special music and preaching. My cousin Beverly coordinated the music, played the piano, and sang the specials for us. Our pastor lead the congregational music and my uncle David spoke. We sang Amazing Grace and What a Friend We Have in Jesus as an entire congregation and it was amazing. Be Still My Soul, Great is Thy Faithfulness, and I Will Carry You were the special songs that were either sang by Beverly or played. The music was wonderful and it ministered to my family so tremendously.
The one thing that I regret not being able to go back and listen to is the message that David presented at Eli's service. God gave David the words to speak that day. He knew the words that we would need to comfort us for some time to come. I am just so sorry that I can not go back and listen to these words from time to time, as I need a reminder. It seems that I remember bits and pieces of the message from time to time.
One part of the message that has been heavily on my mind of late is when David shared from John 11 about Jesus, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus.
When John 11 begins Jesus' friend, whom he loved dearly, was sick. He was deathly sick. Martha and Mary, whom Jesus also loved dearly, sent word to him that Lazarus was sick. They knew that Jesus could heal Lazarus. They knew that if Jesus made it in time, before Lazarus died, that they would not lose their brother. That is why they sent word to Jesus. But the bible tells us that even two days after Jesus received word of Lazerus' illness, he tarried where he was. After two days, he gathered his disciples and went to Bethany, where Lazarus, Martha, and Mary were. By the time that Jesus got to them, Lazarus was dead. Jesus knew he was not living. He knew he would be dead when he arrived. Martha was the first to meet Jesus when he arrived and she told Jesus that had he been there Lazarus would not have died. I do not feel that was a sign of weakness from Martha, but a sign of faith. She knew that Jesus could have spared Lazerus' life. I can not help but feel that she and Mary both were hurt that Jesus did not come right away to spare them from this heartache. In fact Martha is the only one to meet Jesus when he does come. Mary stayed home. She was too distraught to leave her home at first. I know these women never lost their faith in Jesus, but I wonder if they questioned Jesus' reasoning for not coming to Lazarus quickly. I feel like they did. Once Jesus met Martha and told her that Lazarus would live (now remember he is already dead), Martha went in secret to go get Mary. Mary went immediately to where Jesus was and the first thing she did was fall at his feet crying. She also told Jesus that had he been there Lazarus would still be living. She was broken at Jesus' feet. The bible tells us that when Jesus saw this, he groaned in the spirit for his grieving friends. It says in John 11:35 "Jesus wept". Jesus was not weeping for Lazarus. He was weeping for his friends who were hurting. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that Lazarus would live again. Yet, he still wept. He wept for the people that he loved. The chapter goes on to tell about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead and how this caused those around to believe on Him, that he is the Son of God. It also goes on to tell how this caused the chief priests and the Pharisees to take council against Jesus.
Well today it has been six months since we said goodbye to our Eli and these are the thoughts I woke up with in my head this morning. I thought about Martha and Mary, and how they must have been so hopeful when they sent that message to Jesus, that he would come immediately and heal Lazarus. I once had hopes of a healing. I once pleaded with God to heal my Eli. Just like He did not heal Lazarus, He did not heal Eli. Like Martha and Mary, I fall at His feet and say, "where were you Lord?" Like with Martha and Mary, I believe that Jesus weeps with me. I believe He does not want us to hurt, to be broken. He loves us and groans in the spirit when we weep. There will be a day when He will wipe my tears from my eyes. There will be a day when I will put my arms around my son and and redemption will take place. No one knows when that day will be, just that IT WILL BE. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Much Love,
The one thing that I regret not being able to go back and listen to is the message that David presented at Eli's service. God gave David the words to speak that day. He knew the words that we would need to comfort us for some time to come. I am just so sorry that I can not go back and listen to these words from time to time, as I need a reminder. It seems that I remember bits and pieces of the message from time to time.
One part of the message that has been heavily on my mind of late is when David shared from John 11 about Jesus, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus.
When John 11 begins Jesus' friend, whom he loved dearly, was sick. He was deathly sick. Martha and Mary, whom Jesus also loved dearly, sent word to him that Lazarus was sick. They knew that Jesus could heal Lazarus. They knew that if Jesus made it in time, before Lazarus died, that they would not lose their brother. That is why they sent word to Jesus. But the bible tells us that even two days after Jesus received word of Lazerus' illness, he tarried where he was. After two days, he gathered his disciples and went to Bethany, where Lazarus, Martha, and Mary were. By the time that Jesus got to them, Lazarus was dead. Jesus knew he was not living. He knew he would be dead when he arrived. Martha was the first to meet Jesus when he arrived and she told Jesus that had he been there Lazarus would not have died. I do not feel that was a sign of weakness from Martha, but a sign of faith. She knew that Jesus could have spared Lazerus' life. I can not help but feel that she and Mary both were hurt that Jesus did not come right away to spare them from this heartache. In fact Martha is the only one to meet Jesus when he does come. Mary stayed home. She was too distraught to leave her home at first. I know these women never lost their faith in Jesus, but I wonder if they questioned Jesus' reasoning for not coming to Lazarus quickly. I feel like they did. Once Jesus met Martha and told her that Lazarus would live (now remember he is already dead), Martha went in secret to go get Mary. Mary went immediately to where Jesus was and the first thing she did was fall at his feet crying. She also told Jesus that had he been there Lazarus would still be living. She was broken at Jesus' feet. The bible tells us that when Jesus saw this, he groaned in the spirit for his grieving friends. It says in John 11:35 "Jesus wept". Jesus was not weeping for Lazarus. He was weeping for his friends who were hurting. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that Lazarus would live again. Yet, he still wept. He wept for the people that he loved. The chapter goes on to tell about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead and how this caused those around to believe on Him, that he is the Son of God. It also goes on to tell how this caused the chief priests and the Pharisees to take council against Jesus.
Well today it has been six months since we said goodbye to our Eli and these are the thoughts I woke up with in my head this morning. I thought about Martha and Mary, and how they must have been so hopeful when they sent that message to Jesus, that he would come immediately and heal Lazarus. I once had hopes of a healing. I once pleaded with God to heal my Eli. Just like He did not heal Lazarus, He did not heal Eli. Like Martha and Mary, I fall at His feet and say, "where were you Lord?" Like with Martha and Mary, I believe that Jesus weeps with me. I believe He does not want us to hurt, to be broken. He loves us and groans in the spirit when we weep. There will be a day when He will wipe my tears from my eyes. There will be a day when I will put my arms around my son and and redemption will take place. No one knows when that day will be, just that IT WILL BE. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Much Love,
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Part of the "new normal"
I remember the day I left Jay to go back to work for the first time. I cried if you looked at me wrong, heck I cried if you didn't. I just cried and he went to my mama's. I have been very blessed to have my mom fill in for me, while I spent my days at work, with all of my children. Then I remember the day I left my Cooper and went back to work. Yet again, I was a basket case. I worked in Montgomery at that time and was driving an hour both ways. The hardest thing to do is leave a child to go to work. In many ways, I felt like I was neglecting them or being a bad mother somehow. I am not saying I was just that I felt that way. I longed for my summers home with them and then pined for them when summer was over. When Lucie Rose came, I took the standard six weeks off from work and returned to a classroom where a long term substitute had begun the year. So it literally was the first day of school that year for me. Now, I must say the substitute was the same one I had when I was out after having Eli and she is GREAT! It was just a new year for me and of course if someone looked at me wrong, I cried. Heck, I cried even if they didn't look at me wrong. And I cried, and cried, and cried, and even cried some more. I was depressed because I had to leave my baby girl (Mind you she was with my mother.) to go back to work. I told Jamie after I left her that if we were ever going to have more children, I would not leave them and go back to work. If we wanted more we had to make a way for me to quit and be a stay at home mom.
Then we got pregnant with Eli. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we started preparing financially for me to stay at home. My Jamie was making it work. We put the wheels in motion and I was looking forward to staying home with my new baby and I would even get to home school my other children. Life was good. I had a bun in the oven and three steaks on the grill. What more could a girl want?
Tossed salad...Yeah, my salad got tossed in a big way. Once we found out that my sweet little Eli would not live long after he was born, we started reevaluating our plans. Would I quit work? Would I still stay home and home school our other children? We were just unsure about everything. If Eli was to make his less than 10 % chance of survival, he would be in the hospital for up to eight or nine months we were told. We learned very quick like that no matter how much you plan, you cannot plan for everything.
Well Eli was born and did not beat the odds. So yet again we were faced with decisions to be made about future plans. Ultimately, we decided to stay the original course and home school.
Well, yesterday was the first day of home school around our house. Wow, is all I can say. It is wonderful to be able to teach my own children. I just love it! We do have a set schedule. School begins at 8:00 am. So far so good on tardies. I was able to hand pick our curriculum and could not be more pleased. I am able to sit down and provide the one on one instruction that teachers long to be able to do with all of their students. The boys seem to be really enjoying everything. This is my dream come true. Well, except for the fact that a part of the puzzle is missing.
Here are a few pictures of our first day of home school.
Then we got pregnant with Eli. As soon as we found out we were pregnant we started preparing financially for me to stay at home. My Jamie was making it work. We put the wheels in motion and I was looking forward to staying home with my new baby and I would even get to home school my other children. Life was good. I had a bun in the oven and three steaks on the grill. What more could a girl want?
Tossed salad...Yeah, my salad got tossed in a big way. Once we found out that my sweet little Eli would not live long after he was born, we started reevaluating our plans. Would I quit work? Would I still stay home and home school our other children? We were just unsure about everything. If Eli was to make his less than 10 % chance of survival, he would be in the hospital for up to eight or nine months we were told. We learned very quick like that no matter how much you plan, you cannot plan for everything.
Well Eli was born and did not beat the odds. So yet again we were faced with decisions to be made about future plans. Ultimately, we decided to stay the original course and home school.
Well, yesterday was the first day of home school around our house. Wow, is all I can say. It is wonderful to be able to teach my own children. I just love it! We do have a set schedule. School begins at 8:00 am. So far so good on tardies. I was able to hand pick our curriculum and could not be more pleased. I am able to sit down and provide the one on one instruction that teachers long to be able to do with all of their students. The boys seem to be really enjoying everything. This is my dream come true. Well, except for the fact that a part of the puzzle is missing.
Here are a few pictures of our first day of home school.
This is a before picture of our classroom aka my dining room.
Doing Singapore Math and really loving it!
This is Cooper looking quite dazed and confused. I promise we combed our hair before school. It is just really long and needs to be cut!
Jay is looking through his Apologia science book. Love it!
Cooper doing Wordly Wise using dictionary.com!
Word power!!!
This is Abigail Angel. She was given to me by Mrs. Rice, the school Librarian where I worked the the last four years. She gave me Abigail when we found out about Eli.
Abigail in now a part of our new classroom.
This is all part of our "new normal". Learning to adjust one day at a time to the plans that God has made for us.
Much Love,
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