Where faith and fear collide

I started this post last night and just could not stay up to finish it.  So, I decided I'd finish it in the morning (today), but before I could even think about getting my laptop out chaos ensued around here.  LR woke up feeling a bit yucky.  She told me her tummy hurt and I just did not pay much attention to the fact that she was not up playing but instead laying in the recliner. That is until Jay started yelling that she was throwing up.  Now, those who know me, know that I don't mind cleaning dirty diapers and such, but if you put me around someone throwing up...well I'm liable to throw up with them.  I put on my big girl panties this morning, held my breath, threw LR in the tub, and cleaned up the mess along with spraying Lysol.  Amelia was asleep for most of this, but woke up before I got Lucie out of the tub.  She was hungry.  She cries when she is hungry. Today, she screamed.  Cooper was trying to deal with her while I dealt with LR.  LR decided that she wanted to wear a specific skirt after bathing and nothing else would do.  I couldn't find said skirt. More chaos...In the midst of all that was going on, I

STOPPED.

Then I literally said out loud, "Deep breaths, Jennifer." Which I followed with a deep breath.  Then I prayed.  I said, "Lord you have to take control of this situation because, I can't control it.  I'm losing more and more control by the second.  Please Lord!" I desperately need his firm, calming hand in that moment. 

He delivered.  In the second after I prayed, I literally put my hand on the skirt LR wanted and Amelia's cry went from a scream to just a cry.  I took another deep breath and thanked Him for his intervention then went on handling what needed to be done.  

Are my prayers always answered that fast?  Nope, they are not. God knew my sanity was a stake this time!  He knows my every need and provides according to His plans.  

He spoke to me yesterday! He spoke in Sunday school...in the song service...in the sermon.  He tailored it all for me. I'm sure not just me, but you know sometimes is seems that way.  He brought this verse to mind. 

Philippians 4:6
6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

One of my most difficult struggles is anxiety or fear.  I have learned to just bath it in prayer because no matter how hard I try, I cannot control it.  I cannot control when my face starts burning, my heart rate increases, I have those dreaded palpation's, I break out in a cold sweat and I cannot sleep. I detest anxiety and all of the awful things it does to my body.   I despise how emotions can control your entire being. 

Maybe this  is rational, maybe it is not...but I feel like when I am anxious, I need to up the faith a little or a lot.  I do have faith and trust in God.  Sometimes I just cannot control those anxious feelings and it leaves me frustrated with myself. I never had to deal with anxiety before Eli.  Sure, I had moments where I got in a tizzy about things that were going on.  I am talking about daily anxiety.  Anxiety that reaches you to the core and shakes you up. I have had my fair share of it in the last (almost) two years. When we found out that Eli had Potter's it all began.  I had just about gotten past the worst of it when we found out we were pregnant with Amelia.  Then it just started all over again. I literally was anxious complete with racing heart, palpitations, and sleeplessness until we had our level II scan with Amelia. 

So today the anxiety is not as bad and does not overcome me like it used to.  It is not a daily experience but I do still battle it on occasions. We were talking about needing to be in control of situations in Sunday school, Sunday morning and how losing control causes anxiety.  It made me stop and wonder.  First of all, I know that everyone has struggles and sometimes those struggles lend way to anxiety.  But I wonder what would happen if instead of losing control of situations, we handed control over to God first.  It is so hard to ask for help isn't it? I struggle so much with this.  I don't want to be a bother even to God.  Am I the only one who has this struggle?  Am I the only one that gets frustrated by anxiety? Am I the only one who can not control anxiety? 
This is where fear and faith collide...in my life at least.

Much love,

A Nutshell

I am just feeling reflective tonight.  In a month or so Lucie Rose will be 4 and Jay will be 10.  Ten...my how the years have flown. How do I have a ten year old?

Jay
He loves to talk.  He is an old soul.  He'd often times rather talk with adults than children.  He is super smart and never forgets anything. Jamie was reading to them the other night and a "big" word came up.  Jamie asked them if they knew what it meant and Jay popped out with a literal dictionary definition of the word.  It was evidently one of his Wordly Wise words during the school year.  He remembered it and quoted it verbatim. The boy can talk.  He talks all of the time to anyone who will listen or act like they are listening.  I love him to pieces. He is so loving and sweet. He can not stand to hurt any one's feelings. If he gets hurt, he just deals with it and goes on with his business.  Everything rolls off of his back so to speak.  He lets very little bother him.  I wish I was more like that. Did I mention that the boy loves to talk? He does.  I think he would talk to the wall if he remotely thought it would listen.  He has preacher potential...or politician potential (Although, I hope he stays away from politics.)...or salesman potential. He is a good kid. I love him so!

Cooper
Stubborn, stubborn, and more stubborn. When Coop digs his heals in, you'd better brace yourself for a battle of wills. He is a huge Mama's boy. It melts my heart!  He would never in this lifetime admit it, but he tries to be like his daddy quite often. He is in that in between stage of boy and tween. He still likes to play dress up and pretend.  Just today he was a cowboy.  He still plays with his toy tractors and trucks in the yard. He would never admit it to other boys his age though.  He is a very smart boy.  He is an excellent and easy student unless he decides he does not want to complete an assignment. Then he digs his heals in.  I dig mine in further. I am quick to tell him that you can not out stubborn Mama! Man, I love him! If I had a shy child, it would be Cooper, at least until he gets to know you. He loves to draw and is pretty good at it too.  He loves to draw heavy equipment like tractors, eighteen wheelers, bulldozers and such. He makes my heart smile big!

Lucie Rose
Where to begin with this little drama queen.  Just last night when Jamie was dressing her for bed, she decided she did not want to wear what he had picked out.  She and Jamie went back and forth a little while and then Jamie said, " Lucie, this is what you are wearing and that is final, so no more arguing." About a minute later she started again and before Jamie could scold her, she stopped Jamie with a smile upon her face and said, "Daddy, I'm just acting." That story personifies sweet Lucie Rose. She loves to act and pretend.  She puts on her tutu or play dress to perform for us daily.  I love her "plays" as she calls them.  She is all girl with a little fight in her.  How could she not have fight?  She has two very rough and tumble brothers. She loves shoes and purses and is very opinionated about what she wears in one breath and then she is putting her brothers in their place in the next breath.  She is a total and complete daddy's girl. She thinks her daddy can walk on water. She can say some of the darnedest things sometimes.  I just do not know where she gets it? She is my prissy little thing and I love her so very much.

Eli
He was a true gift from God.  I miss him with every fiber of my being.  My arms still ache for him. I wanted to know him and to show him how much I love him. He was so beautiful. I am sure he would be running around and talking by now. I wish that I could picture what life would be like if he were still here. I can't...it hurts not to be able to imagine his place as a toddler. All of my children have been so different and I'm sure he would have been his own little unique person.  His timeline would have been his, so I cannot even gauge "where he would be" right now.  I love him, love him, love him nonetheless.

Amelia
She is laid back and even tempered.  She is both a mama and daddy's girl. She is so precious.  She eats good and sleeps good.  She is very quick to smile and what a smile it is! It melts me to see those huge hazel eyes light up and that sweet grin to form on her lips. She is in every way a great baby! When I was pregnant with her, my grandmother told me that while she would never replace Eli, Amelia would be a balm to soothe our souls.  That has proven true in many ways. I love having a baby in the house again. I love watching her learn new things and show us her tricks. She is reaching now and trying to figure out how to hold things.  She just cannot quite figure out how to make those hands cooperate like she wants to.  It is so neat to see her trying to figure it all out.  I love being a part of that. We are all just smitten with her. I love her from the top of her tiny little bald head to the tip of her itsy bitsy little toes.

That in a nutshell is our family.  Jamie and I have learned so much from these children God has blessed us with.  I never knew the extent of a parents love before.  I would sacrifice every single thing just for them. I can't even remember what life was like before them.  It is as if they have always been and always will be.

Much love,

The Fourth in Photos

I have not done very many photo blogs but this time the pictures just speak for themselves. We made a weekend out of the fourth and had a great time with wonderful family and friends. So, I thought I'd share our weekend in a Photo blog. I hope you enjoy!

  

Jamie and Jay about to take the "wave runner" for a spin. Folks this is not a jet ski, right Opa?

Cooper after a ride. He's toting around the wind blown look!

Faceless person here to be left unnamed for fear everyone will want her autograph.  I will tell you she is one of four beautiful girls I call niece!

Jamie and Amelia.  She is not diggin' the water.

Still not diggin' it AT.ALL!

Jay tubing!

Lucie Rose is my little water bug! Much unlike her mama who does not dig water in which she can not see the bottom. Therefore, I will take photos of everyone else enjoying it! I had fun too!

Not too much cuter than a naked baby! She was hot.

Now this is my kinda water.  I know what is at the bottom. Amelia is likin' it pretty well also.

My super duper Cooper!

I LOVE those goggles.  They crack me up.

Splish, splash I was taking a bath in my itsy bitsy yellow polka dot (not) bikini.

Running man in reverse off the diving board.

I LOVE this picture of "D Baby" about to belly flop! He is so darn cute!

She loves cake (which is just icing).

Will it make the mouth????? You Bet!

Is she not just delicious!

The goggles again just because I needed to laugh again!

I love the sun reflecting off of the water here...

and here...

LR and "D Baby" having a snack before the fireworks.

This is what my camera flash does to her. Could those eyes get any bigger? Could she get any more adorable? You bet not!

...and they begin...

...and he loved them

...and so did I!

Them...not so much!

Me...I think they are great!

She does too! She was glued to them.

I hope everyone had a very blessed 4th.

Much love,

A God Send!

I have a story to tell you tonight.  A story about how God puts you where you belong for certain times in your life and allows you to be where you are needed...

A couple of weeks before Eli was born my mama told me about a "girl" (my mama's word) in our small town who was pregnant with a baby who also was having kidney issues.  How could that be? We live in small town USA and that was just unfathomable.  This sweet mama lived on the same street as a friend of mine.  I asked my friend and sure enough...it was true.  The situation for our babies was completely different.  Her son had a blockage that would not allow the fluid to flow through like it should. There were procedures that could be done to correct this though and there was hope that they would bring their son home.  I asked my friend to set up a meeting between us and she did.  We were supposed to get together February 15th but could not because we had snow the week before and she had to make up a missed appointment with her doctor.  We decided to meet on a later date...
Thursday of that week this precious mama went into labor and gave birth to her son, William.  William went to heaven that day...
Sunday, I went into labor and gave birth to my son, Eli.  Eli went to heaven that day...
I had no idea that William had been born and died until the following week.  The day before Eli's funeral, I finally got to talk to William's mommy on the phone.  We talked about our sons and decided to meet sometime the next week. 

Eli was born and died right in the middle of tax season, which is Jamie's super busy time at work since he is a CPA.  Jamie was able to take off one week and one day to be home.  He felt so torn during that time.  He knew he was needed at work, but he also knew he was need more at home and you know...he needed to be able to grieve his son.  His work was just wonderful about this.  They told him to do whatever he needed to do and not worry about work.  He still felt torn...that's just Jamie. So, the Tuesday after Eli's service Jamie decided to return to work for partial days. 
I'll never forget that morning as long as I live...
When Jamie left to take the kiddos to school and go to work, I melted into a puddle in our laundry room.  I felt more lonely than I ever in my life had felt. I felt weak, vulnerable, and just downright awful. I cried like it was the first time I had ever cried.  It was ugly. Jamie called to check on me and I tried with all of my might to be brave and not let him know how terrible I was doing.  I didn't hide much from him.  He called my mama. She called me. I couldn't hold it together anymore. She told me to get a bath and get dressed.  She was coming to get me and take me to work with her.  She owns a tearoom here in town and I could sit in the kitchen or help out or whatever I needed to do.  I told her I was not up to going anywhere.  She told me I didn't have a choice because she was on her way and I'd better be ready.  She totally pulled the "I am you mother and you will do what I say even if your are 36" card on me. I am thankful that she did!
In the midst of all this, my new friend Christi called me.  We decided to get together for lunch that day.  She was going to come up to my mama's place and we would finally meet.  I knew her when she walked in and we embraced like old friends reuniting. We were both in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. My mama set up one of the dining rooms for us and we sat for hours talking about our boys...our pregnancy... their memorial services.  We talked, we cried, we shared and thus a beautiful friendship...sisterhood was born. 
Our situations were so much alike.  We both had unexpectedly gone into labor and had to be rushed to Montgomery.  We both had emergency c-sections and were put to sleep. We both had beautiful baby boys that I know are playing together in Heaven as I type. I love my friend!
This past year and four months has been more like years.  My sweet friend is moving this week. I am sad...
She gets it...When it was fresh for me...it was fresh for her. We took turns drawing strength from each other.
She is now pregnant with her rainbow baby.  I am beyond happy for her. I am so sad that she will be so far away and I will miss so much with this sweet baby! I so wish that Amelia and her little guy could grow up together.
I'm not good with change.  I'm worse with goodbye.  Christi's hubbie is military so I knew this was coming.  I have just put it out of my mind.  I didn't want to think about it.  It's here now and I am sad!
I know without a doubt that God put them in small town USA for a reason.  He knew what they would face while living here.  He knew that we would need each other.  Not to mention the fact that she has a precious little girl that Lucie Rose adores.
I have not blogged about my friend before because William's story is hers to tell and I did not want to infringe on that.  However, I do feel that William's and Eli's stories are intertwined in a way.  I guess that is how I want to say it...I feel like our boys are at the root of our friendship.
We had a going away party/baby shower this past week for my precious friend and her family. It rained...Then this happened...

Yep, that's a double rainbow. Total God wink!

I am going to miss you like crazy my sweet friend! Good luck and Godspeed!

Much love,

Confessions of a Coffee Snob

Yes, me...a coffee snob.  When you are sleep deprived you drink A LOT of coffee to hang on.  I used to never like coffee especially in the summer months.  Now, well it is a staple. Not just any coffee though...It must be Dunkin Donuts medium roast original of the Whole bean variety.  Let's be specific here...no other will do.  It must be freshly ground on most occasions.  I will drink the Turbo variety if I really need a pick me up and (gasp) it does not come in whole bean.  I mean really...No whole bean??? It is a daily ritual around here for me to eat the beans while the coffee is brewing. We all have our dirty little secrets...This is mine! Shhh, don't tell anyone though. This all started when I was pregnant with Eli.  Yes, I mentioned this to my doctor and dentist.  They were not overly concerned. Therefore, I am not overly concerned. 

I just  never thought I...me...I would be a coffee snob.  Folks,  all coffee is not created equally.  You must try the Dunkin Donuts before you drink one more cup of the other stuff!

There, I got it off my chest.  I feel much better now.

I also wanted to say that I really am missing being able to comment on blogs.  Blogger is acting crazy and will not let me comment.  Does anyone know how I can fix this?

Going to refill my giant coffee mug and feed Amelia her midnight bottle now.

Much love,

The month of May(hem) and an apple!

Okay, not really that bad...just crazy. There were many nights in this last month that we did not eat dinner until 10:00 or 10:30.  Don't judge...I wish it were different, especially considering bedtime for the kiddos is...yes...8:30. I'm not complaining...too much anyway.  Baseball, Whewwwww (sigh), I'm glad the season is over.  At least now we can hopefully get back to some sort of schedule, even if it is a modified summer schedule. The boys both played baseball this season and on different teams. All but two of the games were on weeknights.  One might wonder why not on weekends instead.  Well, I'm right there with you...wondered it out loud several times. Seriously though, the boys had a ball (pun intended).  They were both on great teams and had terrific coaches. Jay's team finished 4th in his league and Coop's team finished 2nd. Although the hours were long and late, I enjoyed being at their games.  Poor Miss Amelia got started right. Two weeks old and at the ball park for her. That was out of necessity with tax season and all. Once tax season was over, I figured, if she can tough it out at two weeks old...we might as well hang on for the rest of ball season.  She really did well.  I'd put that little nugget in the sling and go with it. Now, LR, she really had a blast.  There are little play sets for little kids to play on, complete with red sand and all. LR figured that if she could not make snow angels in the snow then she was gonna improvise and do it in the sand.  Many a night we cleaned red sand out of the bottom of the tub at 10:30 or so...still complaining :)
While baseball has been at the forefront of our existence this past couple of months there have been many other things going on also. Little things you know, like adjusting to a precious nugget of a girl in the house and her sleep schedule...laundry...laundry...laundry...birthdays...more laundry...Mother's day...our 14th anniversary...finishing our first year of homeschooling...and did I mention laundry.  Folks, the laundry, it neeevvveeerrrr ends. And let's not forget the ever present pop tart trails. LR has a serious pop tart addiction. I have a serious pop tart aversion. I'm gonna miss those pop tart trails one day. So, I just clean them up without a cross word (most of the time) and try to remind LR to stay at the table with food. She never does! She eats on the run.
My honey turned 35 this year and three days later we celebrated 14 years of wedded bliss.  I.LOVE.MY HONEY! He is a good fella! We celebrated our anniversary by splitting duties and taking the boys to baseball.  They both had a game at the same time, on opposite sides of town.  Jamie ran in from work, kissed me, told me Happy Anniversary again, grabbed Cooper and LR and ran out the door again.  I ran out the door with Amelia and Jay.  We had chili dogs for our anniversary dinner, at 10:00.  You know what?  That's what it is all about...Family! We did go on a day date this past Saturday.  We both had a really good time, not doing much of anything.  We just were able to relax and talk.  It was great.

The apple of our eyes

This little mama has stolen all of our hearts!  Even LR is warming up quite nicely to her. She is the sweetest, happiest baby girl.  She is extremely laid back and just a golden nugget! She has been sleeping all night now for about three weeks.  Yeee Hawww or as LR says Meeee Hawww!

In this picture she was a fussy little girl and Jay was so proud of himself that he settled her down and got her to sleep.  I overheard him singing a little made up lullaby to her.  It went something like this. 

I'm a little fuss pot

short and stout

here are my lips

and here is my pout!

I had to laugh a little about that one.  All of my kiddos are a hot mess for sure! I love it that way...most days!

In the midst of all of this chaos, I still miss Eli terribly.  I wonder what it would be like with him thrown in the mix.  It is so hard to imagine a toddler running around here to compliment my other sweetlings.  (sigh)

Well that is all I've got for right now, so I'd better sign off and go and prop up the dryer door that is too tired to stay closed on its own! Yes, I am serious about that! The broom handle works quite nicely as a propping tool, I say!

Much love, 

Join Me in Praying for Baby Tate

I know I come to my blog a lot and ask for prayer and I feel totally comfortable doing that.  I feel like those who read my blog are some of the wonderful prayer warriors who prayed for my sweet Eli and my family...are still praying for my family.  Those prayers have meant more to me that I could ever begin to express in words. They have sustained us through some of the darkest days of our lives. I feel like because we asked Him, God gave us a miracle with Eli.  The miracle we saw unfold before our very eyes was not the exact one we asked for but that does not negate the fact that we experienced a true miracle...a great miracle. It is hard to know how to pray sometimes, so we have to just ask God to intercede for us.  We have to ask Him to provide when we do not even know what provisions we need.  He always knows...
Tonight, I ask you to please join me in praying for a precious baby boy named Tate.  Tate is tucked safely in his mommy's tummy for the next couple of days.  He should make his appearance sometime Tuesday.  Tate is a very special little fella who has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18.  You can visit his mom's blog here.  Tate's mom, Cricket, has listed some specific prayer requests that might help you know better how to pray for them. Let's hit our knees for this family my friends. How great would it be to flood Heaven with prayer for sweet baby Tate and his family?

Much love,