Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Sweet Eli

To my precious little man,
I love you so much.  It was one week ago today that I held  you in my arms and gave you to Jesus.  It feels like minutes ago, it feels like years ago.  I can still smell you.  I close my eyes and I can feel you in my arms and see you beautiful little face. I can still hear your grunts.  I am comforted by all of these things.  You taught me how to be brave and to fight.  I will forever be greatful and cherish your time here with us.  You were a miracle in so many ways.  God chose your daddy and I to love you, to cherish you, to hold you, to carry you.  I will forever carry you in my heart and in my memory.  I thank God for the gift of having you to love.  When you left us last sunday night, it was a moment of peace filled wonder for me.  I was not sure how I would handle giving you up.  How could I handle it? You are my baby.  But you left us with angels... You have touched  so many.  Who knew that a life so small, so short, could be so huge?
This week has been so bittersweet and painful for those you left behind.  My arms ache so badly to hold you.  I miss not sleeping to rock you and feed you.  I miss not being able to bath you and dress you.  I miss being a proud mama and showing you off to others.  I so badly want to kiss you toes and spend hours gazing upon you face.  I want to sing to you, to rub your back or pat your little bottom. I miss the tiny little cry of a baby.  I know that you are healed and whole and I would never want for you to know the pain of life here.  That is where my comfort lies.  You are with your creator, in a place of perfect peace and rest.  A place of perfect love...  My arms will ache for you until the day that you can fill them again.  My heart will have a part missing until my aching arms are filled. 
You are one amazing little boy!  I would take nothing for having had you in my belly for 32 weeks and in my arms for minutes.  That time with you was complete joy.  It was with wonder we felt you move and kick and cause a stir in my belly.  I loved every second God gave us with  you.  My favorite time of day was at night when I would get to sit with your daddy and he  would place his hand on you and rub.  You knew your daddy's hand.  Daddy and I would get up early every morning just so we could spend time with you.  Sometimes you would be too sleepy to wiggle for him, but he understood.  Your brothers and sister loved to feel you kick and even when you wouldn't kick them, they still wanted to rub you and tell  you they loved you.  They miss you too! 
Oh, when your daddy placed you in my arms for the first time.  That moment I will carry with me and never forget...I was so nervous, so scared, so thrilled...It was like I had been waiting all my life for that moment.  Even though you were too tired to open you eyes for me, I knew what a tough little boy you were.  You showed the world how to fight.  I am so proud of you.  I am honored to have the blessing of calling you son. Your daddy and I could not have asked any more of you than what you gave us last Sunday night.
You had such a birthday party.  So many people came to welcome you.  Everyone wanted to hold you and show you how much they love you. 
I believe that you have complete understanding of how much you are loved and missed.  I also believe that you have complete understanding of your purpose here on earth.  You know why God chose to make your time here so brief...I do not understand and because of my lack of understanding I have such grief.  I know you were a miracle.  I know that God's grace will carry us through this valley. 
I love you sweet little man!
Mama

3 comments:

  1. Jennifer-
    Just want you to know that you are an awesome mother above all! You are also an incredible sister and best friend! I miss Eli so very much and just wish I could steal just one more kiss:) He was an incredible little man that left such an impact on us all- I am certain of that! I can just imagine him right now, getting so much love from his great granddads and uncle and so many more but most of all our wonderful Lord! I love you all so very much!
    Rachel

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  2. Hey Hill,
    What a beautiful picture of sweet Eli. I am sorry I didn't get to come to his service. I just want you to know I am still praying for you and your family. This is one of the times when we can be glad that Jesus understands the groans of our hearts when we can't find the words to say. I certainly can't say the right words to you. It is very obvious, however, that God chose Eli for you and Jamie, because he blessed so many people in his short time. God has "showed up and showed off" through your strength, courage, and faith.
    Love you,
    Porter

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  3. Amy Johnson RussellMarch 25, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    Jennifer, we don't know each other but I feel connected to you through our sweet angels in Heaven. My son, Brady, also had Potter's Syndrome. We found out at 18 weeks and after several trips to UAB, Brady was born today 2 years ago. About this time...10:20...I was holding my sweet baby and I know every emotion, every thought, every hope, and all the grief you felt and still feel. I know the emptiness you feel because you don't have Eli to hold. You hold your children and know you will hold Eli again. You are such an inspiration to others. I read your blog and loved how you added "what not to say...how to act..." Just a simple hug. Just to know Brady and Eli are not forgotten because we think of them every single day and when life moves on...you just want others to remember your precious baby. It hurts but it does get better. For the first few weeks, Tuesdays were the hardest (Brady was born on a Tuesday), then it was the 25th of the month, then it was the one year anniversaries now we have his birthday. We celebrate this day. We have a cake or cupcake. We let Owen, his big brother, blow out his candle for him. It is the little things but it is knowing that our babies are in Heaven and will never know pain or sickness and we will hold them again helps us celebrate. I read several books that helped me during the darkest of days. If you would like to borrow them or know the names of them, please let me know. My name is Amy Johnson Russell and Amy Brown let me know about your blog. I am from Luverne and work at Troy Bank & Trust. You can email me at amy.russell77@gmail.com. God bless you and your family. I truly feel God selected certain families for this to happen to because through our pain and suffering...we can share God's Love and healing to so many others. Our babies were meant to be angels and not walk on this earth. They had a different purpose in their short lives. We love them and always will. I will be praying for you and your family. Amy Russell

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