As I grew my fears changed. I could go through tons of silly teenage fears that I
Until a few months ago, if you had asked me what was I scared of, I would have answered not too much. Now, I have a long list of things that I am afraid of.
- I get so anxious when Eli does not move for a while. There is a 30 - 40 percent chance that Eli will have a cord incedent due to the absence of fluid and also just cherish his activity so very much.
- I get scared and sometimes downright panicky when I think about how fast time is going by. It has been 12 weeks since we found out about Eli and it seems like yesterday. I only have about six weeks left to carry him.
- I am so scared of how my children will react to Eli's birthday.
- I am scared of having a c-section. Eli is transverse breech with his feet presenting first and is not expected to move due to the absence of amniotic fluid.
- I am scared of not being able to be a mommy to Eli. Eli's kidneys have no function and I never really realized how important fluid is for babies en utero. Eli is my fourth child and I have learned so much this time due to Eli's condition. Not only does the fluid act as a cushion for babies and make room for them. It also is ingested by babies to facilitate lung development. The fluid passes through the baby's body and the kidneys act as a sponge. The fluid is then passed back into the sack to make room for growth and development. It is a continuous cycle unless the baby's kidneys do not work. Which is the case with Eli.
- I am scared of possibly having only a short time to say everything it should take a lifetime to say to Eli. Really a lifetime is not long enough sometimes is it?
- I am scared of empty arms...
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled , neither let is be afraid. John 14:27
I must admit that I have to renew myself in His assurance quite often. But, God has been patient with me. He is such an awesome Father, isn't he? I know that if one of my fears does happen to come to be, God will not leave me then either. This is a difficult pill to swallow and where faith comes in. God is most definitely still working in my life on that one. I do not understand any of this and why God has chosen Jamie and I for this journey. But he did, and we have to do the best we can to make our response pleasing to God. I know that Eli is a gift from God. I fully believe that every moment I get to spend with him is a moment of wonder.
Pray with me tonight that God would calm our fears and give us unending peace.
I would also like to ask for prayer tonight for one of our church family members. Baby Preston Hughes was born in November and has stuggled since birth with eating, breathing and muscle issues. He has spend much time in Children's Hospital in Birmingham. He had to be rushed back today due to some difficulties. I am not sure of specifics right now, but please remember baby Preston and his family in your prayers. He is such a beautiful little man!