Friday, February 19, 2010

What is your fear factor?

So, what did you fear most as a child?  My fears consisted of the dark and thunderstorms.  Oh yea, and the bald headed peeping tom I thought I saw looking in my window one night.  I grew up out in the "country" and there was not even a security light outside of our house.  Talk about dark.  It was great for star gazing, but not so great for a child afraid of the dark.  Then throw in the occasional thunderstorm... I could really get myself in a tizzy back then.  When I was scared,  I would always casually ask my parents questions about, you know the boogy man lurking in the dark, or the deafening claps of thunder (the thunder is always worse than the lightening).  I say casually because I couldn't let on that I was actually scared of these things.  Do you think they ever caught on? They always quieted my concerns and calmed my fears with their words or actions.  Come to think of it, they never failed to make me comfortable when I was anxious or scared. I can also remember praying about these fears, even as a child.  I particularly remember pulling my covers over my head during thunderstorms and asking God to please keep us safe.  He always did.  Now, I actually like the dark sometimes and even enjoy an occasional thunderstorm. I'm pretty sure Cooper inherited my fear of thunder.  I'll save those stories for another day.

As I grew my fears changed.  I could go through tons of silly teenage fears that I bought into  had. They were not so silly at the time, of that I am sure.  I believe these are also labeled insecurities.  Some of these I took to my parents, many I took to God,  and some I shared with friends.     

Until a few months ago, if you had asked me what was I scared of, I would have answered not too much.  Now, I have a long list of things that I am afraid of. 
  1. I get so anxious when Eli does not move for a while. There is a 30 - 40 percent chance that Eli will have a cord incedent due to the absence of fluid and also just cherish his activity so very much.
  2. I get scared and sometimes downright panicky when I think about how fast time is going by. It has been 12 weeks since we found out about Eli and it seems like yesterday.  I only have about six weeks left to carry him. 
  3. I am so scared of how my children will react to Eli's birthday. 
  4. I am scared of having a c-section. Eli is transverse breech with his feet presenting first and is not expected to move due to the absence of amniotic fluid. 
  5. I am scared of not being able to be a mommy to Eli.  Eli's kidneys have no function and I never really realized how important fluid is for babies en utero.  Eli is my fourth child and I have learned so much this time due to Eli's condition.  Not only does the fluid act as a cushion for babies and make room for them.  It also is ingested by babies to facilitate lung development. The fluid passes through the baby's body and the kidneys act as a sponge.  The fluid is then passed back into the sack to make room for growth and development.  It is a continuous cycle unless the baby's kidneys do not work.  Which is the case with Eli.
  6. I am scared of possibly having only a short time to say everything it should take a lifetime to say to Eli. Really a lifetime is not long enough sometimes is it?
  7. I am scared of empty arms...
I am scared all of the time...God knows that I am scared because believe you me I have told him.  And guess what, He has answered me.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled , neither let is be afraid. John 14:27

I must admit that I have to renew myself in His assurance quite often.  But, God has been patient with me.  He is such an awesome Father, isn't he?  I know that if one of my fears does happen to come to be, God will not leave me then either.  This is a difficult pill to swallow and where faith comes in.  God is most definitely still working in my life on that one.  I do not understand any of this and why God has chosen Jamie and I for this journey.  But he did, and we have to do the best we can to make our response pleasing to God.  I know that Eli is a gift from God.  I fully believe that every moment I get to spend with him is a moment of wonder. 

Pray with me tonight that God would calm our fears and give us unending peace.

I would also like to ask for prayer tonight for one of our church family members.  Baby Preston Hughes was born in November and has stuggled since birth with eating, breathing and muscle issues.  He has spend much time in Children's Hospital in Birmingham.  He had to be rushed back today due to some difficulties.  I am not sure of specifics right now, but please remember baby Preston and his family in your prayers.  He is such a beautiful little man!
Much love,

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer,
    I didn't read this until this morning, but I woke up praying for Eli and you, Jamie, and the kids. You all are constantly on my mind and in my prayers. This is such a hard road to have to walk, but walking any road with God is better than walking what looks like a perfect road without Him. You all are on our hearts constantly. We are praying for healing for Eli, for him to turn, for God's peace and presence as He carries you all in the palm of His hand right now, and (hardest of all when we don't know the future but He does and we know that we can trust Him because He is good and works everything for good in the lives of those who trust Him) that His will be done.
    Jennifer, I love you all so much.