Four Months in the arms of Jesus

I remember the exact moment Jamie put Eli in my arms four months ago today.The moment will forever remain a memory. The time on the clock was somewhere between 6:40 and 6:45 the evening of February 21st. Eli came into this world at 4:47 and went straight to the NICU. I can see it like it was moments ago, Jamie walking into that room holding my sweet little fella. I can feel it like it was moments ago, Jamie putting him into my arms. I absolutely have no recollection of what I said to him, in fact, I had to ask Jamie what I said to him.  At one point I was afraid that I did not tell him how very much I love him. I knew I had but just did not have a visual memory of it. Jamie was there right beside me and he assured me I did. I am not sure why my mind blocked this out. It is crazy, I remember so many things but not that. I do remember when Jamie walked in the room with him and the way he grunted. He grunted several times, never any cries, just grunts and wiggles. I should say never any cries around me. Jamie said he did whimper a little when he was first born. But those grunts...they are precious. The grunts with a few wiggles was all he had left to give. Some days remembering those grunts and wiggles is what gets me by...remembering just how my arms felt with him in them. After a few grunts and very few wiggles he got so still. I knew then...I knew he had met the angels and was on his way to meet Jesus. I had him cradled in my left arm with Jamie sitting right beside his little head. He just went...there was no struggle, no fighting for a breath...just peace...calm...quiet...stillness...
About five or ten minutes later his  nurse came in and I put him up on my shoulder.  She raised his gown and place the stethoscope on his back and listened. She then shook her head at me and whispered "He's gone."  He was gone, but I knew that already. In fact, when she came in and told me that she needed to check him I told her there was not much going on.
The grief is not as intense today as it was four months ago, but the longing to hold him is greater. The memories are not a sharp as they were and that worries me, but  I guess that goes along with healing. I can't smell him anymore, that sweet sent of a baby. I have his bonnet that still smells of him, so I take it out and smell of it from time to time. I have the blanket that he was wrapped in and it still bears his blood stains. I have our pictures that I look at daily. I am scared of forgetting. It frightens me.
He's gone...

Much love,