A first and a second

This Christmas was very bittersweet.  It was our first Christmas with Miss Amelia and our second one without Eli.  This one seemed a little more difficult than last Christmas for some reason.  It seemed we were all fighting a cold so I am sure that contributed to my state of mind.  Amelia really didn't get the whole Christmas concept this year.  She had fun rolling around in the paper torn from every one's gifts.  She was more than a little snotty and not feeling too well. She has since really enjoyed playing with all of her loot though and her mommy has enjoyed playing dress up with all of her new clothes. Jay, Cooper and Lucie Rose all really enjoyed themselves and were all sad to see Christmas day come to an end. 
I guess the worst for me was early Christmas morning after Santa left.  Jamie and I were making sure everything was ready for the kiddos and I was taking some last minute pictures.  My eyes wandered to where all of the stockings were hung.  Instead of five stockings hanging as usual, there was just one...Eli's.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt like we had left him out and that hurt. I wanted to run and take that one stocking down.  I wanted to fill it up just like his brother's and sister's stockings.  I hate that there is nothing I can do for him.  I HATE it.  It was 2:00 or 2:30 when we went to bed and I had to have a good cry.  It had been a while since I've had one of those.  It is almost as if that set the tone for the rest of the day.  I was really hoping the hustle and bustle of the day would take my mind away from all of those sad thoughts.  I am so blessed to have four children here with me to lessen the sting of missing him, but sometimes it really does get the best of me. I can't predict when it will hit and what will trigger it.  Who new that that one little stocking would send me into a tail spin? It was just the sight of it hanging there all alone.  I couldn't stand it and eventually had to empty the other stockings and hang them back up. 
Sorry for the vent, I just needed to write it out and get it off of my chest.

Here are a few pictures from our Christmas morning.

Yes his hair is a hot mess! 

Yep, Papa and Nitney got them a hunting rifle. 



Look who's starting to crawl! 



Much love,