Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet Eli.
One person remembered other than me of course. My friend Christie who lost her baby three days before me. I say one person remembered and I do not know if that is actually true. I do know that Christie is the only one to mention today's milestone to me.
Why does this make me so sad? I really can not pinpoint the reason. I know that life goes on. I know that others do not live my grief. I know that I can not expect others to live through all of the firsts with me. This is something that I have to do. Although it seems like I am doing this alone, I know that I am not. God has been whispering in my ear all day today. He has been telling me that he has not forgotten my hurt.
I guess I just feel so lonely today. I am surrounded by family but I just feel alone in my grief. I do not want anyone to think that my family has been anything less than wonderful to me, because I just could not have made it to where I am today without them. I really do know that I own my grief, I do. It is just so hard to explain. You know, I could have mentioned what today is to someone. I just did not feel like I had to remind those that are close to me.
We are still at the beach. I should be enjoying this time. I thought it would be a time to be carefree again...a time to remember joyfully. I do not know if I will ever get to that point. I suppose I expected this get away to be just that, a chance to get away from it all. I guess grief jumped in my suitcase when I was not looking and traveled right down here with me. I meant to leave it at home. I really did.