Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Five months

Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet Eli.
One person remembered other than me of course. My friend Christie who lost her baby three days before me. I say one person remembered and I do not know if that is actually true. I do know that Christie is the only one to mention today's milestone to me.
Why does this make me so sad? I really can not pinpoint the reason. I know that life goes on. I know that others do not live my grief. I know that I can not expect others to live through all of the firsts with me. This is something that I have to do. Although it seems like I am doing this alone, I know that I am not. God has been whispering in my ear all day today. He has been telling me that he has not forgotten my hurt.
I guess I just feel so lonely today. I am surrounded by family but I just feel alone in my grief. I do not want anyone to think that my family has been anything less than wonderful to me, because I just could not have made it to where I am today without them. I really do know that I own my grief, I do. It is just so hard to explain. You know, I could have mentioned what today is to someone.  I just did not feel like I had to remind those that are close to me.
We are still at the beach. I should be enjoying this time. I thought it would be a time to be carefree again...a time to remember joyfully. I do not know if I will ever get to that point. I suppose I expected this get away to be just that, a chance to get away from it all. I guess grief jumped in my suitcase when I was not looking and traveled right down here with me. I  meant to leave it at home. I really did.
Much love,


  1. Jennifer,
    I was thinking of you all yesterday...and especially our precious little Eli. However, just as you said...this vacation is supposed to be a chance to get away. Which is the reason I personally didn't send you a message yesterday letting you know that I was thinking of you all. I am also certain that is the reason why no one else mentioned it to you. We have not forgotten...we never will! Monday was Mitch's birthday...couldn't help but think maybe he and Eli celebrated this week together! I love you all, I think of Eli daily & I am continuing to pray for you all daily! Beverly

  2. Hugs! It slapped me in the face at the beach too. I thought being at the beach would make me feel better, but I just felt the same at a different location. I am sorry that you are feeling alone. Somedays I feel that way - even though my family is great. You are Eli's mom and no one feels the same way you do- that is what I realize in those moments. You are in my prayers!

  3. Jennifer,

    I sit here with teary eyes having just read this post. It brings such strong emotions to the surface because I can so closely relate to what you wrote. My grief followed me to the mountains instead of the beach, but it was there. And I'm sorry that you feel alone on days like this, like no one remembers but you. I am remembering Eli with you and praying that God will wrap His loving arms around you right now.

    Love to you,

  4. praying for you today. I understand the feeling of lonliness...

  5. So sorry for the pain you carry.
    Thinking of you,

  6. Sending prayers your way. {hugs}