Thursday, July 29, 2010

A peek into the past

I have found myself unable to lay down and close my eyes so many nights these last few weeks. I am sitting here now thinking about birthdays. I have given birth to four babies and each time I have found that I miss having them in my belly. I miss feeling them next to my heart 24/7. I was thinking back to when Jay was born (Almost nine years ago. Where does time go?). There were so many unknowns... I was ready to have him when he came. I was done being pregnant. My rear hurt ALL of the time. It was hot. I had awful carpal tunnel in both hands. Then when I had him, I missed being pregnant like crazy. I missed feeling him kick box my ribs. I missed the hiccups. I missed everything about being pregnant. However, I had this amazing little bald headed baby to love and care for. Ten months later, I found out Cooper was on the way. Once again, I loved being pregnant. This time it was not as hot, my rear didn't hurt, and the carpal tunnel was very mild. I just enjoyed carrying him. He was very lazy and did not wiggle around too much. Wouldn't you know it, he decided to come early. I started going into labor with him at 34 weeks. I took meds to stop labor for two weeks and he finally made his appearance at 36 weeks. He has always been stubborn like that, still is. Once again I really missed being pregnant. Maybe this seems strange to some, I do not know. I can tell you having two children under 18 months is a lot easier when one is in your belly. Those were crazy days around my house. Jamie and I both worked an hour or so from home and Jamie was in school full time, at night. I still am not really sure how we maintained our sanity, except for my mom who kept the boys during the day for us and my sister who camped out with me when ever I needed her (which was often). Cooper was such a beautiful baby with a head full of dark hair and had the best temperament. He was so easy. He was sleeping all night by five weeks. Then I got pregnant with my Lucie Rose about three years later. I loved, loved, loved being pregnant again. I loved feeling her wiggle around in my belly. She was another easy pregnancy. It was beyond hot that summer. In fact the day she was born the temperature outside was a whopping 107 and we will not even talk about what the heat index was. But, I still enjoyed carrying her. Then she was born and turned out to be my easiest baby yet. She required little. She ate and slept and ate and slept. When I took her for her two week check up she wound up being put in ICU because she has Salmonella. Not really sure how or why, but she was severely dehydrated. I was nursing and she ate well but she had severe diarrhea. I called the doctor and they assured me that was normal for nursing babies. My instincts told me differently, but I assumed they knew more than me. That is really when I learned to follow my instincts more closely. I took 9 months for that ugly virus to finally leave her body. Despite all of that she was still so stinkin easy. As long as you swaddled her like a burrito she was content. Then we got pregnant with Eli. From the start this pregnancy was different. At first, I did not really know if I was pregnant or not. I spotted quite a bit and just did not feel pregnant. I was though and it was confirmed September 9, 2009. We had an ultrasound that day and I got a picture of my little butter bean. Each visit to the doctor was uneventful. I started feeling him move around 15 weeks or so. I never once realized anything was wrong until our 20 week ultrasound. Once we found out that Eli had Potter's Syndrome, we determined to make the most out of all of the time we would get with this baby. I was determined not to complain one bit because I was just thankful to have him in my belly. Jamie got to feel him move for the first time around 21 or 22 weeks. Without fluid his movements were way more pronounced. I loved everything about being pregnant with him. I will tell you that when you do not have fluid to cushion the baby, things can be quite a bit more painful. But I knew that it was worth it and even those moments of aches and pains are as precious to me now as they were then. I would have taken that and anything else just to know he was alive and close to my heart. I miss being pregnant with him more than any of my others because aside from a few minutes in my arms that is all I have from him. Lord knows I would love to be sitting here writing about colic or sleepless nights or sleeping in a hospital waiting room while my baby is in the NICU instead of missing him like crazy. I still have those phantom movements that stop me in my tracks sometimes.
As I type, I think about the two sweet mother's that gave birth today. I know they like me wished that they could have carried those little ones forever. My heart aches for them and what they have to face now. Being pregnant was so much easier than what is to come. I have prayed for them over and over today and then some more. Someone told me when I was still pregnant with Eli, that when he was born I would hold a piece of heaven in my arms and it was so true. I pray that these mamas and daddies are still holding heaven and memorizing every detail of their little ones. I also learned very quickly that when you have to stop holding heaven, heaven will hold you. My prayer for these families in the days to come is that heaven holds them close.
Much love,


  1. Praying for them as well. "I also learned very quickly that when you have to stop holding heaven, heaven will hold you." What a true and beautiful statement. xoxo

  2. ((Hugs)) I know you miss being pregnant with Eli! I wish that you didn't have to be missing him too. I would love to have Ella safe in my tummy again more than anything (other than having her safe and healthy in my arms). Still praying for Melissa. My heart has been heavy for them this week.

  3. About a month and a half before Matthew was born, I remember driving in the car and looking out the window as I held my was a rainy, dreary fall day, and I just started to cry thinking about how much I was going to 'miss' Matthew when he was born. I was BEYOND ready to have him---I was so swollen, couldn't walk much, horrible backache...but all that aside, I told John, "I'm going to miss him so much...miss the closeness of him."

    I of course had no idea of how true those sentiments were.

    I've prayed for both of those mommies as well. Just lifting them up as much as I can.

  4. What an amazing post! I found myself nodding through it all. This one is very close to my heart.

    Been praying for them both as well!


  5. Beautiful post! I am so glad to know someone else besides me loves to be pregnant. I still sometimes wish I could be pregnant again; it is God's greatest miracle and how someone couldn't love that is unimaginable!!! After almost 3 years, I still feel phantom kicks and movements that awaken me sometimes. I think about you often and you are in my prayers. I hope you are enjoying your time with the kids. I so enjoy your posts!! Thanks for sharing!!